Better Mail Than Jail
My internet connection was completely wiped out on Tuesday, and on Wednesday it has been up and down like an 83 year old man on viagra. I never knew how much I need the internet....I'm like a crack whore ready to sell my body for another hit...just one hit....one little hit and you can stick it anywhere.
Before I had this official blog, I use to write a newsletter (which now is my notify list)...basically the same concept, except I would have a joke, a picture of the day and what not as well as personal stories. So first, I want to thank all of my loyal readers who have followed me through thick and thin with my original website, Everyone Loves Timmy.com before I was shut down due to having adult content. Muahahahahaha....you can hold me down but not for long. I'm like a 13 year old boy ready to explode while he sneaks a peek at his math teacher's cleavage.
While my internet has been down, I decided to reach into my old archives and pull out some of the best emails I've received. Then I thought, hey, I've gotten some great comments, so I'll pull those out and attach a link to the person who wrote it and to the reference of the post.
The old emails won't have a link since they were via email. These entries, do not include content that was posted on a different website, these are just emails and comments only.
From: XXXXX | Block Address | Add to Address Book
Date: Sun, 2 Dec 2001 01:08:58 EST
Subject: Hi Timmy
ur hella funny i have a crush on a guy named timmy
but he spells it diffentely "timmie" all be seenin ya
love ya byebye
Are you slightly retarded?
~ TIMMY!
From: XXXXX | Block Address | Add to Address Book
Subject: RE: CHUCKLE OF THE DAY! 10/17/2001
Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2001 07:54:08 +0200
Hi Tim,
As you know I have just joined you site and I must
say I was not disappointed. Man some of this stuff is
really funny and it really does keep a lot of the sh-t
at bay.
I hope you're still around my dear man...
~ TIMMY!
Fountain of Pee
OMFG that's funny.
All the funnier really, since I've been there, cupping piss, not knowing why.
Just wait until Curley get in touch with scooping vaseline out of its tub, and applying it liberally to her head....ahhhh, good times.
Omnipotent Sister
Uhhh, I hope I never, NEVER have to deal with vasiline like that.
~ TIMMY!
Why Co-Workers Plot To Kill You
Ew...feet!
You are so wonderfully stream-of-consciousness (or is that stream of pee?) Yep, you really outdid yourself that time. You might as well change the title of your blog to "Fountain of Pee."
I think the secretaries are obsessed with it because they secretly wish you would cup their urine in your hands. Daddy.
Pisser
Me Rove You Rong Time...thanks for naming my website!
~ TIMMY!
Slow Down!!! You're Going 10 mph!!!
you had me at "running shoes"....
that was a great setup.
you need to get laid.
uh, no i'm not offering...
boredhousewife
I do need to get laid...I'm like a virgin again...LIKE A VIRGIN!
~ TIMMY!
Tamale Intoxicated Timmy
Damn, now I gotta go change my panty liner. It wasn't made to hold the fountain of pee I have expelled laughing at this stuff. Instead of saying you crack me up, I'm saying you make me leak!!!!
Wanda
You leak? As in your panties are wet? And I did that? Yeah, I do need to get laid.
~ TIMMY!
Good Times....Good Times
only you would try to get it on with the pastors wife!
you totally rock timmy! =]
Kimberlee
I'm trying everything at this point.
~ TIMMY!
Godzilla Bowling for God
Oh, man, but that was righteous. I'm having a hard time deciding which is the funnies image conjured here.
(I think "tall Mexican in flip-flops" among the Liliputians might be the winner.)
Special K
Oh who am I kidding...no one will sleep with a tall Mexican in flip-flops.
~ TIMMY!
Can TIMMY Come Out To Play?
I can not even tell you how many times I have read this post. The whole thing is hilarious.....but I get that "almost pee my pants" laugh for some reason when I think about "rolled up on me like Christopher Reeves....not that "handicapped " is funny in anyway but gees who would have thought to use that analogy other than you! My jaws hurt from laughing.
Tiff
Christopher Reeves line is like my utmost favorite...like fer sure.
~ TIMMY!
In the Name of the Rumba, the Mambo, & the Cha Cha Cha
oh lord.
you did not misname this site.
every time i come here--i pee.
....why do i keep coming back?? i guess i must enjoy peeing in my pants. it's nice. you're nice. b.o. is nice.
boredhousewife
More wet panties...isn't that nice? oh thats nice...
~ TIMMY!
Like it's THE Grody Guy at the Club
just the fact that you offered to 'knock the rhythm into her' puts you in a whole new realm of cool.
mona
I know I'm rad, but thanks for confirming.
~ TIMMY!
Mechanical Valtrex
OMG. That has to be the best stream of consciousness writing I have ever seen. The tea story is a classic. I wish you worked here.
TW
People wish for me to be with them all the time...in bed, at work, on the dance floor...its good to be me.
~ TIMMY!
10 Things I've Learned From Being A Daddy
She's a cute one, too.
Happy Father's Day, you pervert.
Houston
Pervert??? Now what did I do with those wet panties.
~ TIMMY!
To The One Who Birthed Me
Thank you Moms of the World for not being total bitter cunts due to the havoc pregnancy reaps on your body, having no social life til your kids start grade school, giving up spontenaity, and having to deal with narcisistic exhusbands dating porn stars! Happy Mothers Day you Wenches!!
Rachel
I think you should see someone about some built up anger issues.
~ TIMMY!
The Make-Over
You don't post enough, Timmy.
nongirlfriend
Coming from you that is the understatement of the year.
~ TIMMY!
Sorry Miguel...errr, Jesus...I'm going to Hell!
I hope you enjoyed writing that as much as I enjoyed reading it. (that's a new spin on the 'I hope it was as good for you as it was for me)
You do realize that if you go to hell, there may be plenty of poontang, but you'll probably not have anything to stick in the willing tacos? I mean it isn't called hell for nothin you know!
At any rate, here's wishing you a Happy Easter, and a fun day all around!
Wanda
Hell has sluts...and where there are sluts, there are willing tacos...
~ TIMMY!
The Art of Procrastination
i love this post.
now excuse me as i have some piles of work that need to be held down with my elbows while i read more blogs...
tif
Yes, I know the feeling...it took me about 7 hours to write this post.
~ TIMMY!
Weekend Of Fun
What? No Funeral for Desi? You didn't really love him like a member of the family did you?
Way back when I was a kid our bug containers were old spaghetti jars with holes punched in the tops (and sometimes in our hands) with a nail & a rock. Ahh good times... now when I see a bug I squeal like the girl I am and stand on a chair and throw things at it trying to convince my ferret, Baxter (gender identity issues long story) that she really wants to save me and kill the bug. She never does.
Joanne
Love him like a member of the family? You do know he was a spider right? BTW, I don't think Baxter has the gender identity issues...I think the owner is confused.
~ TIMMY!
The Repressed Chubby Greaseball
Yeah, I'd make a statement about the blow/horse habit, too. (Not to be confused with blowing horses, because I'd imagine there'd be A LOT of protein in that. Of course, she could be throwing it up afterward. Also heroin DOES make you puke ... hmmmmmm ...) Or else I'd comment on her gray hair, even if she doesn't have any. Just putting that thought in a chick's mind will make her go apeshit.
Michelle
Yes...I shall keep that in mind next time I want to drive a woman crazy. Muahahaha
~ TIMMY!
The Squirrelly Feng Shui Office War
Spent a few days in a log cabin in the woods, first couple of days everything is fine. 3rd day 'oooh squirrel, lets feed it'.
Cut to 5.30am every morning for the next 4 days where the squirrel tap dancing club does auditions on the roof of the cabin.
Bastards.
Watski
For some strange reason, I can totally see the squirrel tap dancing too. I think I watch to many cartoons.
~ TIMMY!
Roller Cops - A Hero Will Roll
8 beers had me praying to God not to puke on the train the next morning...
8 LITE beers, mind you.
Getting old sucks my left one, and lemme tell you, my right one isn't jealous.
Diana
I use to be the youngest in everything...now I'm the only old man in the group that knows who Scott Baio is.
~ TIMMY!
The Mausen Party
Why is it that when finding a container from an old lunch in a bag we open it. It's not like we wouldn't know it was going to be bad.
I once got the dry heaves from one.
Smiley
It's like God is calling us to open that container...MUST OPEN and smell.
~ TIMMY!
Employees Go Crazy For The Big Chalupa
This is by far your best yet.
I'll never look at my crucifix the same way again. Now I know why I used to have those sex dreams about Jesus as a child.
Which, by the way, my then-therapist told me was common.
nongirlfriend
Having sex dreams with Jesus is not normal you fruitcake. Unless you're that good in bed that you can satisfy Jesus...which if that is the case...email me baby.
~ TIMMY!
Dear Timmy....
"getting bitched slapped by your mom like a cheap hooker"
I'm dying, I tell you, DYING.
Heh, when I turned 18, I had a 15 year old boyfriend at the time. I went to college, and his parents broke us up because she believed I was whoring around with my newfound freedom.
I wanted to tell her that not everyone becomes a whore at 18 like she did, but it was just one of those missed opportunities.
For the record though, the little snot was most certainly NOT the love of my life.
Michelle - When Cats Attack
The question is, did you THINK he was the love of your life when you were 18 though? And a missed oppurtunity? Puulease, that mom saved you so you could whore it up in college...aaah, good times, good times.
~ TIMMY!
I Curly - Birthday Me!
Okay. I think if I had a favorite post? It would be this one. It so freakin' cute I want to cry. And Curly? Your bday is one day before mine! Whee!
Zoot
I didn't even know Curly Top could type.
~ TIMMY!
Run from the mouse...RUN!!!
I kind of hope you end up in jail, just so we can read about it later.
bunny
Wait...what?
Date: Sun, 02 Dec 2001 07:41:04 EDT
From: "XXXXX"
To: timmy@everyonelovestimmy.com
Subject: Re:File - Goodbye
"F.Y.I."--
I am a member of 2 other joke clubs...
but I found yours to be sexist, not particularly
funny, and crude in a sexist way. I don't mind a good
racy joke, but these were not.
But...
The Passion of Diarrhea
Wow, you're a racist fuck, aren't ya?
Anonymous
But...
Date: Sat, 26 June 2004 16:31:23 EDT
From: "XXXXX"
To: timmy@fountainofpee.com
Subject: Re: I'm Reporting You
You have got to be one of the most arrogant assholes on the internet. im reporting you to blogger for being a sexist, and a racist and i hope you are removed from the blogsphere.
But...
Date: Thur, 20 May 2004 20:54:48 EDT
From: "XXXXX"
To: timmy@fountainofpee.com
Subject: Re:
FUCK YOU you fucking prick.
But...
Wal-Wars of Mart
Jesus Christ buddy if you hate this country so damn much, then go the fuck away. Nobody wants you grimy greasy spicks here anyway. You just waste space and resources meant for real americans. Oh and before you label me racist, take a look in the mirror pal. Its people like you who keep racism alive by crying about being who you who born. I'm sorry your a clearly repressed greaseball. I'm sorry for all the spearchucks who overflow the crimal justice system in this country while taxpayer dollars feed them. Im sorry for all the white crackers in this country who drain resources because they are too fat and lazy too get a job. So go back to Meh he co and find some shack to live in and complain about the US then. ingrate. or better yet tell me where you live so I can run over you and get a free lube job for my car.
Jonnie
Thank you for showing me the way....lemme just pack my tamales up and go back to Meh-He-Co where I belong.
~ TIMMY!
Iraqi In My Khaki
I do hope you'll consider donating your brain to science hon. It's a very special one
Brenda
Well, I'll only do that if I get compensated now by getting a lifetime supply of tomatoes.
~ TIMMY!
over to you and stand up on its hind legs to beg for food.
of meeting for the underground movement in the Feng Shui Office War.
business and put some Salsa on. My friend starts walking back to our table and I quickly scan the dance floor for someone to dance with; mainly looking for someone who has been there for awhile 
)
Without missing a beat she grabs my cheek and says, "Wow, you've gotten chubby."
dad left and you never see him huh? Well, let me give you some advice that your father should have given you before apparently running off and letting you waste your life away so pathetically.
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