Tamale Intoxicated Timmy

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I'm getting old my gentle readers.

I know shocking as that sounds considering I'm so dashingly young & handsome.

But alas, tis true.

I've been having these weird urges lately. I've always cast aside the urges from being intoxicated with tamales or something.

The urges may include, but are not limited too:

Buying Depends for myself so I won't have to get up in the middle of the night

Hockin my pants up to the middle of my chest

Blowin air from my ass like a trumpet in a public area without even trying to deny it

Yelling at the little Hispanic kids to get the hell off my property

I don't clip the plastic that holds my shoes together so I'm forced to take tiny quick steps

I keep trying to take my teeth out at night

I tried to subscribe to a magazine titled, "Elderly - Life Without Sex"

I've called my doctor 4 times trying to set up a prostate examination

I keep repeating the phrase, "Life is nifty after fifty"

I'm 1/2 way to fifty and yet, I'm doing these weird things. Those of you over 50, don't be ashamed because 50 isn't old....its uhhhh, ancient.

I haven't realized how old I'm acting until one day I was watching TV in the middle of the day in my bath robe. A commercial comes on for Dodge's Caravan. I'm watching the commercial getting excited.

I'm not proud.

But I got a slight twinge in my pants.

I was excited for this minivan and as if I couldn't stop the words from coming out of my mouth...I shouted, "Minivans are swell, I want one!"

They are so adaptable.

So affordable.

So convenient.

I quickly scanned the room so no one else could see the excitement emanating from my eyes.

How embarrassing.

I was actually thinking of buying a minivan.

Someone slap me. A fucking Minivan???


Supercalafragalisticexpealadocious

I'm going to invent a totally kick ass cock holder. I need one when I'm taking a piss. I love to read, yet, I can't read while I'm at a urinal/toilet cause I need at least one hand holding my cock directing my laser urine into the urinal/toilet.

Title Will Be:

Method & Apparatus For Pulse Template Holder Of The Penile Unit

See what happens when you work for an Intellectual Property Law Firm? You go fucking crazy.

When you work for a Patent Law Firm you don't know what to say.

And what do you say where there is nothing to say?

Supercalafragalisticexpealadocious.

Thats right. You'll feel better.

Supercalafragalisticexpealadocious.

Supercalafragalisticexpealadocious.

As you might have been able to tell, I watched Mary Poppins over the weekend with my Little Curly Top.

Some things I learned while watching the movie as an adult.

Mary Poppins is a stuck up lesbian cunt

However, Mary Poppins is hot for a stuck up lesbian cunt

Jane & Michael (the two kids) are the biggest pansies around self loathing for daddy & mommy's attention. They're not even happy when dad takes them to work!

Mary Poppins is just like me, "Practically Perfect In Every Way"

Bert (Dick Van Dyke) is the biggest molesting pervert since R. Kelly.

Quotes from Bert
** {Singing} You've got to grind, grind, grind, at that grindstone
** You think....you wink...you do a double blink. You close your eyes, and JUMP!
** {Singing} Hello, Miss Corey, I've got one for you. Your daughters were shorter than you, but they grew!


Do you see the underlying message from this sex offender?


Back to my work of writing the specifications for the Method & Apparatus For Pulse Template Holder Of The Penile Unit.

That is all....Good Day Sir!

I SAID GOOD DAY!

Slow Down!!! You're Going 10 mph!!!

---

Jonathan is fucking gay

Jorge thinks to himself as he puts on his uniform.

I know that little shit stick faggot fucker was looking at me.

Jorge - "What up Jose...get any poon tang from Kristy yet?"

Jose - "Fuck you fucker....at least I have a girlfriend."

Jorge - "tell me you have at least gotten some head from her?"

Blank look from Jose.

Jorge - "HAHAHA - You're such a fucking loser man...."

Jose - "You're such a prick."



BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ


Jose - "There's the bell for class.....I hate P.E."

After changing Jorge & Jose head outside for roll call.

Teacher - "Abdala?"

Jorge - "Here"

Teacher - "Ballaso?"

Kristy - "Here"

Teacher - "Busato?"

Amanda - "Here"

Teacher - "Martinez?"

Jose - "Here"


Jorge - "hey man, look they're leveling the track out for us."

Jose - "yeah, look at that dolt out there messing our track up."

Jorge - "what the fuck is he wearing on his head? He looks like a giant condom.....oh wait, you wouldn't know what that is huh?"

Jose - "I don't cause I don't use on on your mom."

Jorge - "Fuck you."

Jose - "HAHAHAHA....did you just see that???? That idiot just fell!"

Jorge while pointing - "Holy shit!!! HAHAHAHAHA"

---

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Amanda & Kristy are walking out for roll call Amanda immediately starts in on her friend Kristy.

Amanda - "Oh my God...so tell me, have you and Jose done it yet?"

Kristy - "Shhhhhhh, like shut up!!!!"

Amanda while giggling - "Oh my God....tell, tell, tell!"

Kristy - "I'm sooo in love with him. He told me he loved me too!"

Amanda - "SHUT UP!"

Kristy - "I swear to God he said that....we love each other so much we did it."

Amanda - "SHHHHHUT UP!"

Kristy - "Last weekend when his parents were out."

Amanda - "Oh my God."

Kristy - "The best 2 minutes of my life."


Teacher - "Abdala?"

Jorge - "Here"

Teacher - "Ballaso?"

Kristy - "Here"

Teacher - "Busato?"

Amanda - "Here"

Teacher - "Martinez?"

Jose - "Here"

Amanda - "Hey...look at that fine guy running on the track."

Kristy - "he is cute, but I can't look at guys anymore, Jose and I are going to get married once we turn 18."

Amanda - "You can look at the menu you just can't order."

Kristy & Amanda giggles.

Amanda - "Oh my God, that cute guy just fell!"

Kristy while giggling - "Think he's okay?"

Amanda while giggling - "Oh my God."

---

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ


**Snooze**

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BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ


"DAMMIT!"


**Snooze**


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BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ



I get out of bed and throw my shorts on. My shirt goes on next, I put on my socks and then lace up my running shoes. I grab my nifty little running cap to keep the sweat out of my eyes. I love that little cap, it fits nice & snug on my head.

I jog down to my old high school so I can run some timed miles.

"Burrrrr, cold out" I say to myself as I stretch. I also notice that a go-cart is out pulling the thing-a-ma-jig to level the track. You know, like they use in baseball games to make the infield look nice? Damn, now I'll have to run around him and choke up the dust he blows up.

I line up and set my stop watch.

GO

I'm cruising.

1st Quarter mile I clock in at 1 minute 25 seconds.

Whew...not bad since I didn't warm up.

As I'm cruising around the track at a good pace, I notice all these high school kids in P.E. (Physical Education) standing around.

Dammit....I hate when the kids run on the track, it throws everything off.

Besides they're watching me which is sorta creepin me out.

I decide to pick up my pace so the high school girls can admire me and the high school boys can be jealous of me.

Faster.

Faster.

The cold air rips through my lungs like a knife as I take deep breaths.

I clock my 2nd 1/4 mile at 1 minute and 15 seconds.

I'm getting really fucking tired now though. I try to keep my pace up but I slowly start slowing down. If I keep my next 1/2 mile at 4 minutes I'll run close to a 6 minute mile.

I'll still impress the high school chicks.

Its a cheap thrill for a 25 year old man like myself, but I'll take what I can get at this point in my life.


As I was coming around the track 1/2 way done with my 3rd lap, the cart pulling the thing-a-ma-jig is coming around too. We are going to meet at the right place so the wind will blow all the dust directly in my face.

Dammit.

I'm already sucking wind here so I need to do something. I'll get really close and jump behind him as he passes and the wind will blow the dust right past me.

Hah...I'm so brilliant.

Everyone does want to be me.

Here it comes....

I get close and the cart passes me.

The thing-a-ma-jig is 1/2 way pass me when I decide to jump over it.

I'm tired though and I don't jump far enough...my foot lands on the fucking thing and sweeps my feet from under me.

I fall flat on my face like President Bush has about the WMD.

I get up quickly and keep running.... obviously a little slower than what I was running.

Dammit!

0 - Pride

1 - skinned hand

2 - skinned knees

3 - days changing bandages on my leaking knee

4 - high school kids that think I'm an idiot

163 - women who now want to sleep with me (down from 341)

8,693 - People Curly Top has talked to (up from 4,937)

Dear Timmy...

 

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{Q}

DEAR TIMMY,

I have been married to "Ginny" for two happy years. My wife is the best. She's understanding, loving and, most of all, my best friend.

The only problem is her parents. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly and have known these folks since I was 12. Ginny's dad has been my pastor a good portion of my life in our small town.

What bothers me is the fact that my in-laws won't let us fall down! Whenever Ginny and I are faced with any type of financial difficulty, her parents find out about it and insist on helping us. Well, it doesn't help.

Time after time, I've tried to politely refuse their offers of help, to no avail. They end up giving the money directly to Ginny. Timmy, can you come up with some advice on what I can do?

-- BOTHERED IN NEBRASKA


[ Whether you're searching for Mr. Toilet Seat Down or Ms. Swallow, or if you just need sound advice, relationship and general bullshit expert Timmy is here. ]


{A}

DEAR BALL-LESS,

Take the money and keep your trap shut. What the fuck are you thinking? You're in-laws won't be around forever so take what you can get from them. Be happy your in-laws are giving you money. My parents wouldn't even buy me a pack of Bazooka Gum growing up, and now that I'm older, I'm lucky to get the finger from them.

If you are serious about attempting to make it on your own, tell your in-laws they are endangering your marriage. If your molesting father-in-law pastor is a man of God, he will honor your request as the man of your household and not come between a husband and wife. Remind Ginny that she is no longer a child the next time she is on her knees playing the skin flute. Tell her to grow up and stop asking mommy & daddy for an allowance.

You need to take the dress off, find the balls you obviously lost and tell Ginny to stop spending money and get her ass into the kitchen where it belongs.

~ TIMMY

Can TIMMY Come Out To Play?

 

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Where has the time gone?

My last post was 3 days ago...I try to post on Friday's since I don't post on the weekends. I don't post on the weekends cause I have a life, which is why my life is better than yours. I mean...come on, do you honestly expect me to have a kick ass life if I'm sitting at the computer all day typing to you?

I got things to see, people to do.

Chew can be jelloeoloussssss

Saturday rolled up on me like Christopher Reeves. I planned on going to the city with my lovely mother to catch a show. We decided to take BART...public transit in Northern California.

The train's third rail propulsion power is 1000-DC electricity. What does that mean? Basically it runs on about 110 9-Volt Batteries.

Thats my translation.

Anyways, we get the tickets and sit down and everything is moving along fabulously.

Train starts, and boom shacka lacka boom.....we are coming up on our first stop....the conductor of the train comes over the loud speaker

**kuishh**

"No arigidng, Buinion Fity....now arifdljge.....Buinion Fity..."

**kuishh**

What the fuck did he say?

I look on the map and low and behold, we are coming up on the Union City station.

He was saying it so fast that I couldn't understand him....the fact that he was slurring more than Kirk Douglas made it extremely difficult to understand him as well.

Great, now I'll have to pay attention the whole way just to make sure I get off at the right station in San Francisco.


**kuishh**

"No arigidng, lough Faylard....now arifdljge....lough Faylard..."

**kuishh**

A quick glimpse of the map showed what Stuttering Conductor was saying was that we were arriving at the South Hayward station.

Deep breath.

I take a survey of the train and you couldn't get more of a stereotypical group of people together.

An Asian couple...the guy was wearing a t-shirt, "I love The Golden State", holding a camera...the girl had her hair in pigtails wearing some kind of cat ear head thing.

A black guy with more bling bling in his 4 front teeth than some small country's have total.

A white guy who looked so uptight you couldn't get a greased beebee up his ass.

A Mexican with a white chick. The chick looked like she just performed a professional wrestling match with a vacuum as her multi colored throat had blotches of hickies everywhere. She was carrying two bags and another duffle bag over her shoulder. The guy looked pretty hefty but upon further examination, he was really as skinny as Ally McBeal but the 17 layers of clothing made him look like he worked out. He was carrying a piece of paper that most likely was the schedule of BART making his girlfriend carry everything. My new hero.

If I had a picture phone, I would have started taking pictures of these people because I thoroughly enjoyed watching them sitting there.


**kuishh**

"No arigigng, Faylard....now arifdljge....Faylard."

**kuishh**

Hayward Station.

A new white guy that looks like he lives in the mountains with a full disgusting beard gets on with his bike. His beard looks like it has more fungus than a 2 cent hooker, and he immediately begins staring at my mom.

I look over at my mom who has her eyes shut. I look back at Grizzly Adams and he's still staring. So I start staring at him....I give him the "stop staring at my mom look".....not the "stop staring at my girlfriend look" cause I don't want to give the wrong message.

Stop Staring at my mom look is =|

Stop Staring at my girlfriend look is =|

There's a big difference.

Grizzly Adams finally looks at me and after about 3 seconds of staring at each other Mr. Bling Bling Front Teeth gets up and blocks our view as he is getting ready to get off at the next stop.

**kuishh**

"No arigigng, Gay Stare...now arifdljge....Gay Stare."

**kuishh**

Bay Fair Station.


Mr. Bling Bling Front Teeth gets off. Grizzly Adams now has pulled out some type of paper that is rolled up.

The train starts again.

My mom opens her eyes and Grizzly Adams immediately begins talking to her about the rolled up picture to my mom.

He unrolls the picture and it is some art on it. He tells her that it is all spray painted and blah blah blah....my mom starts talking to him about the art.

Sheesh.

**kuishh**

"No arigigng, Fake Mute....now arifdljge....Fake Mute."

**kuishh**

Lake Merritt Station

Grizzly Adams rolls his modern art master piece back up and gets off. My mom tells him to enjoy the art and that it is very nice.

I look at my mom and say, "I can't take you anywhere."


Cran, Vodka & A Splash Of Urine


We finally get to San Francisco and got to enjoy all the weirdos walking up and down the streets of San Fran. The delightful stinch of urine on the sidewalk left a "Wow, I'm Glad I'm Not Homeless" flavor in my mouth.

Inside the theatre my mom decides to go to the apparently only restroom in the entire theatre and wait in line for about 20 minutes. While waiting I decide to buy a drink.

"Cran & Vodka please"

Barkeep whips it up and says, "8 dollars."

HOLY SHIT!

I look in my wallet and realize that I only have $7 dollars.

Shit.

I tell the barkeep to wait and I'll be right back.

I go and find my mom who is just about to go into the restroom.

"MOM!....hey MOM."

She finally looks.

At this point I realize that all the eyes of the women in line are on me. Now I'm feeling very awkward ...especially knowing what needed to come out of my mouth next.

I pause not wanting to ask my question.

I close my eyes and let it rip....

"Can I have some money?"

She hands me a $20 as I snatch it as fast as possible and saying thank you as I quickly walk off.

I pay for my drink and lean my back against the bar acting all James Bondish and stuff pretending like I didn't just ask my mom for money.

Later my mom told me that after I left she got questioned by the ladies....

"It never ends does it?"

"You mean I have nothing to look forward to?"

"Men never grow up do they?"


This is when my mom looked at me and said, "I can't take you anywhere."

You're Fired!

 

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You're Fired!

Those are the words I'll be hearing if I don't get my head out of my ass soon. I've been so busy, yet I've been working as slow as a mentally retarded kid trying to finger paint a horse.

It's painful.

I haven't even been able to get around to read my blogs....I don't feel like doing anything really. So I'm sorry to you bloggers out there that I normally read.

I'm burnt out.

I've become the Invisible Worker where I start after 9 a.m., take a lunch and leave before 5 p.m.

A thought just occurred to me....

Hope My Boss Doesn't Read This.


You're Hired

The words will be spoken tonight by Donald Trump when he hires either, Kwame or Bill. Speaking of reality show, The Apprentice, I wouldn't be much of a guy if I didn't mention the 4 chicks who did the spread in FHM.

They were on the Howard Stern show, here's a quick piece of info I picked up:

Kristi and Katrina have boob implants, and felt each other's boobies during the course of the show.




I heard an interview with Donald Trump. He can't understand why everyone hates his hair....he likes his hair. Its not in style, but its coming back he says....

Thats like saying you would cast David Hasselhoff in a multi movie budget movie as the lead actor.

Would you cast Hasselhoff in a leading actor role now?

Uhhhh, No.

Why? Uhhhh....hello, his career is more dead than Bob Hope.

Get a new hairstyle Trump.


What type of co-worker annoys you the most? And do you recognize yourself in one of these?

Here's me.....


The Casual Cretin: He does Casual Friday on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday as well. Hey, hotshot, sandals year-round aren't a fashion statement, they're a disaster!


Fuck you...I wear flip flops every fucking day and I like it.

I'll actually dress up on Friday's so I look nicer than everyone else. Its a cheap trick to give myself attention.

Taxes are due today!!!

Pray the Government lubes up before bending you over.


Fountain Of Pee

My new website inspired by my darling Curly Top. Yes, this is correct, my new web address is FountainOfPee.com and my new blog site is: Blog.FountainOfPee.com

I'll get my old archives up before I officially had a blog up soon. Maybe you'll read them, maybe you won't....either way I'll put them up.


The Numbers Since I started my official blog on March 2, 2004

0 - crashing my work's T1 line

1 - speeding ticket

1 - person who thinks I'm the biggest egotistical fuck alive

3 - ebay items purchased

4 - miles a day I'm running

7 - new secretaries that hate me

11 - hours of actually working

17 - blog entries

56 - times I've masturbated with a tomato

123 - dollars I owe for my speeding ticket

341 - new people who want to sleep with me

4,937 - people Curly Top has talked to




By the way....do you like my new look? I've always had a dark background with light text in the past....do you like? Let me know.

I'll probably keep it the same since I like it and in reality, this is my website, but lets hear your opinion.

If there is anyone still reading my blog....

Easter Popcorn

 

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Hope everyone had a great Easter!

I had a great Easter!

Went to church, learned that I’m ½ way to a CEO in the church community.

CEO = Christmas & Easter Only

I’m only ½ way since I don’t go on Christmas…haha

After church I went to the movies with my mom and a friend, Mr. Con, to go see The Rock’s new film, “Walking Tall”. It's a great movie that was based on actual events. I believe it took place during the 70’s but I’m to lazy to look it up.

Anyways, I got to have my popcorn and my coke. Because my mom was with me, I thought I would splurge and treat my mom. At $3.95 each for a large coke, my mom should be thanking her favorite son like the way Michael Douglas thanks God for giving him a hot wife when he’s so damn ugly.

Two large cokes, at $3.95 each, a large popcorn with butter at $5.50 and my mom snuck in a box of Jr. Mints at $2. So I dump my 2 cokes, the candy and my wonderful Easter Popcorn on the table that I know will cost more than some small countries make in a year. The kid behind the cash register rings me up.

Kid – “$18.50 please.”

TIMMY – “What?”

Kid repeats in slower tone like I was retarded – “$Eiggggggghteeeeeen dollarrrrrs, and Fifffffty Cents.”

TIMMY – “That’s not right, that’s way to much dude.”

Kid while rolling eyes – “No, the register says $18.50”

TIMMY taking a quick peak at the prices behind me I say– “This should be about $15 to $16 with tax man…come on”

Kid while pointing to the register – “The register says $18.50, machines don’t make mistakes.”

Now there is a line forming behind me and I’m now the idiot arguing small chum change holding up the line that I always get pissed at.

TIMMY while taking a deep breath – “Look, do the math in your tiny head. There is no way that costs $18.50 unless you pushed the wrong button.”

Kid, taking a moment now to look over the receipt – “Two large cokes, a large popcorn and a candy, $18.50.”

Now the kid is looking at me like a cocky bastard. Not wanting to make a bigger scene than I already have I pay the $18.50 and get the receipt.

Looking over the receipt while I stand in front of the, I realize the little prick charged me for 3 popcorns at $5.50 and a candy.

I point it out to the genius kid with the giant calculator.

TIMMY while handing the receipt back – “Can you explain to someone who has less intelligence than you, why you charged me for 3 large popcorns when I only ordered one?”

Kid while taking the receipt – “What?”

TIMMY – “So you don’t push the wrong buttons again with your chubby little fingers, I should get back $3.10.”

After some computing, the kid reluctantly handed me the proper amount of $3.10.

We finally get into the theatre and sit down. Aaaaaaaah.

I was finally able to start eating my Easter Popcorn when my mom, who was holding the bucket of Easter Popcorn, decided to cough. She purposely coughed 1 and ½ times before she got her hand up in time to cover her mouth.

1 ½ coughs all over my fucking Easter Popcorn.

Not wanting to go have another intellect duel with Kid Einstein, I decided to scrap going out and getting another popcorn. So I just sat there with my $3.95 coke, and enjoyed the movie.

Sorry Miguel...errr, Jesus...I'm going to Hell!

 

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I had a dentist appointment today...dammit!

I hate the dentist...not because I'm afraid of going to the dentist but because my dentist makes me feel guilty for not having, perfectly white teeth. Meaning, if I don't take care of them perfectly, he's laying guilt trips on me.
I mean, come on, my dentist ain't a family member, he doesn't have the right to lay guilt trips on me.

To make matters worse, about 1 year ago, said dentist referred me to an oral surgeon to get my wisdom teeth removed.

I have a confession to make...I know this make come as a shock to most of you so brace yourself....

I have a big mouth.

I'll let the shocking news absorb into your skin and minds a little bit before continuing.
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Take deep breaths....the shock will go away....

So I have a big mouth and I have room for all my wisdom teeth...never had them removed. I don't need them removed but its a pain the ass to get all the way back there to clean them...so I take the husband/mexican route on laziness and decide that it would just be easier to have them removed.

So I'm sitting there after my teeth have been polished like a brand new penny, when I hear....

SCREEEEEECH........BOOOM......break......

I jump up and look outside and two cars had smashed into each other. About 1 minute later the Hygienist and the Receptionist come in and ask what happened.

Standing there watching the two attractive women, I think to myself....hey, I'm only two people short of a 3some, and low and behold, there are two hot asian chicks in the room with me.....

My day dreaming abruptly ceases when I hear crying from one of the passengers. I look outside again and everyone is walking away and I see one of the people involved with tears streaming down her face. Everyone seems fine, and I don't see any blood...I also see another person on the phone, so I don't need to go out there.

Just because I'm an EMT doesn't mean I have to help if no one knows right? My normal excuse in these situations is that I don't have any gloves on me....but I was in a dentist office so I couldn't use that excuse.

So I just sat back down in my chair and tried to ignore them. Those of you out there right now, cursing me to hell, let me just say, that everyone was walking and there wasn't any blood....cops were already on the scene and I didn't need to go out there.

So my dentist looks at my teeth and reminds me that I need to get my wisdom teeth pulled....

All finished I take one last peek out the window, and I see the Paramedics C-Spining the chick that was crying. You know, strapping her up to a flat board. Then I felt semi-bad...but I got over it pretty quickly when my dentist handed me my new dental floss and brand new toothbrush.


Good Friday equals Bad Boy

Yeah, every freakin year when the holy moly holiday rolls up on me like a pubic crab, I always, ALWAYS feel like the shittiest person around. Makes me remember what a sinful piece of shit I really am. The way I feel though is that I'm investing in a first class ticket for my trip to hell. Besides, hell is where the booze & slutty chicks are, so obviously that is where I should be. How many orgies do you think go on in heaven? Uhhh, yeah, exactly...

The streets may be made of gold, but there ain't no poon tang!!! Give me dirt roads and willing tacos to stick my burrito in...

The best part is, I won't have to worry about AIDs as I'll already be dead!!! No Condoms In Hell. MUAHAHAHAHA

I'm actually going to church with an old high school buddy on Easter this year. Easter is when church is the most crowded! People who never go to church and lead a "decently good" life go to church to try to make up for all the times they didn't go. Would I fit into that category? Uhhhhh, no.....

I never liked Easter...my mom was a fuckin Houdini when it came to hiding my damn easter basket. She would never tell me where it was either, not even a damn clue...every year about 2 fucking weeks later I would stumble across the Easter Basket and have the joy of eating stale chocolate easter eggs.

Speaking of Jesus and Good Friday, I need to point out that one of my observations was correct....I know, shocking as that sounds, I was correct.

From my post, The Passion Of Diarrhea, I talked about how the Romans grabbed a Black looking Jew to help Jesus carry the cross.

Well, after a little research on the subject, his name was Simon of Cyrene. In the Gospel of Mark 15:21 is says: Simon of Cyrene who coming in from his country just then, was pressed into service to carry Jesus' cross. (Simon is the father of Alexander and Rufus)

Footnote for Mark 15:21... Colonies of Jews existed outside Judea; Simon came from Cyrene in Africa, making a pilgrimage to Jerusalem for the Passover.

Many Afro-Americans are born Jewish. One of Americas most famous black Jew was Sammy Davis Jr.

I love that one eyed fucker.

Have a great Easter and don't eat to much chocolate.

Why Co-Workers Plot To Kill You

 

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I hate working.

I don't want to work.

I stop working.

I've been having a "comment" conversation with Pisser, one of the best bloggers around. After the conversation ended with me saying, "I'm your daddy" I decide to go surfing the internet to make sure that all the funny and fantastic webpages are still operating at a superior level.

Where would the internet be without me?

After dressing Jesus up in a Giant Easter Egg & Space Helmet I decided to check out how my Pimps are doing over at Pimpkane. I make a few Wheel Bys since I don't have any lowriders and kill Pimp Silk's thugs off. Ha...

Its about 12:30 p.m. so I get up and decide to walk the halls aimlessly looking to trap unsuspecting secretaries into deep thought provoking small talk about myself.

The 3rd cubicle I come to the secretary is there typing vigorously as she transcribes a tape. I stand there for awhile staring at her with a smirk until my 6'3 shadow from the office lights begin to wear on her eyes as she stares at the computer. She makes eye contact with me and stops typing. I talk about Curly Top and her latest and greatest exploits but all the secretary wants to talk about is The Fountain Of Pee. I sent an email out to my Co-Workers with the Fountain of Pee story so now that is the topic of discussion whenever one of my Co-Workes sees me. Right before the story shifted to the secretary's life and her kids, I chimed in that I better get back to work.

Seven cubicles later and not a single additional secretary to be found, I begin heading back to my office.. Hmmpf.... They must all be at lunch taking a break from all the hard work that they actually do in a day. Well, thats okay....I'll take my 2 hour lunch in about an hour. I'll have time to eat on my 2 hour lunch break if I spend the rest of the hour before my break looking up websites and reading blogs.

I get back to my desk and launch my Internet browser and point it to my blog. I think about changing the title of my blog from "My Life Is Better Than Yours" to something totally kick ass like {insert something totally kick ass here}.

I get on Trillian and try to start some cyber sex with an unknowing grandmother of 8. Apparently she didn't know that Tomatoes and Foil can be used as sex toys until I came along. After being the only one talking for 4 minutes straight (and 4 minutes in a cyber situation is a very long time) I realized that I must have been put on ignore.

Said cyber fun with grandma of 8 got me thinking whether or not I could get a venereal disease from a tomato. So I hippity hoppity over to WebMd.com and type in tomato into my search.

The only thing close to what I was looking for was that Tomato extract can lower Prostate Cancer risk. Hmmm......so now I type in "Venereal Disease from Tomatoes " to get more exact on my search.

Your search on "venereal disease from tomatoes" returned 0 results.

Cool, I guess I don't need to use a condom while using a tomato in my sexual adventures whether by myself or with a partner.

Vital information for my gentle readers is once again found by yours truly.

"You Have Reached The End Of The Internet, Please Reboot"

Dammit.

None of my Co-Workers are here....the last time I was one of the few people left in the office I got involved with the "Infamous Diaper Scandal". I don't seem to fair much better though when the office is full of people as I have crashed our network in the past. Yeah, thats right, I didn't realize I had such super hero powers but apparently I do as I shut down the network that included 8 offices Nation wide and about 100 attorneys. How does it happen that I'm still working here you ask?

Simple.

I'm me.

I'm an overachieving ridiculously good looking worker.

Did I get in trouble for crashing our network?

No.

Was I spoken to about it?

No.

I can't help it that my Co-Workers hate me and are extremely jealous of me.

If you're thinking that it takes a lot of hard work and dedication to become an overachieving ridiculously good looking worker where Co-Workers are overly jealous of you like myself. Well. Then you're wrong. I don't do anything to be superior over my supposedly equal Co-Workers.

I just am.

Sometimes it is difficult dealing with the fact that I have a superior intellect that my Co-Workers can only dream of acquiring.

It's difficult, but I manage.

Some of my Co-Workers read my blog so this will just add another notch in the cubicle desk of reasons why they hate me.

If my posting on my blog mysteriously stops all of a sudden, please call the police and notify them that my body is probably hidden under a desk being used as a foot rest for ergonomical purposes.

Pimps R Us and the Littlest Pimptress

 

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First of all..... TW - To answer your question....



The Hot Dog Man is nothing...NOTHING like The Tamale Lady.

BIG DIFFERENCE!!!

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It was Palm Sunday yesterday....the week before Easter.

I was in bed as the sun shines brightly through my window shades. My man made tent underneath the covers is a little uncomfortable so I reach down and shift my golf balls and my driver around....okay! okay! it is more like a putter, but its my story so I'll say whatever the fuck I want to.

I reach down and shift my golf balls and driver giant baseballs and big bat into a more comfortable position.

I get up and pour myself a nice hot cup of cream with a splash of coffee and two Sweet N Lows. I drink said cup and pour myself another. I grab a box of Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies and start eating those with my cream with a splash of coffee. Goddamn I love these cookies....I can eat an entire box in one sitting. I turn the box to read the info on the side panel while I'm munchin on my 7th cookie.

1 Serving = 4 cookies
======================
7 Grams of Fat per 1 Serving

Oh My Lard.

I immediately put the box down and just concentrate on my cream. So I'm sitting there sippin my cream relaxing when I realize that I forgot to spring my clocks forward and I'm an entire hour behind schedule.

I'M LATE PICKING CURLY TOP (my 20 month old daughter) up from her mom's!

Shit!

I make a dash for the phone to call my baby's momma, hence forward shall be referred to as, "Blondie"

**doot, do dat, ding ding, dot doot**

{insert connecting sounds here}

**Ring......Ring....**

"Come on...pick up..."

**Ring....Ring...**

I slowly sip on my cream.

**Ring...Rin...CLICK**

Blondie in gargled voice: "Hello?"

TIMMY: "Hey its me....I forgot to change my clocks last night, I'm going to be late."

Blondie with big sigh: "Oh, okay....ummm, I'll have Curly ready."

TIMMY: "Oh did you forget to turn your clocks forward too?"

Blondie: "Uhhh no....I have it together."

TIMMY while rolling eyes: "Okay I'll be there in 20 minutes."

Blondie: "Okay, bye."

TIMMY: "Bye."

DAMMIT!!!

I quickly down my cream and make a dash for the shower.

By the time I get out of the shower the coffee and the sugar have materialized into a pure rush of ....

Whoa....I'm feeling good.

I'm bouncing around the place like a horny rabbit....I'm here, then I scamper over there, back and forth, romp romp romp like a damn cockroach.

I sped off to pick up Curly Top for another day with Daddy.


After a little encounter and some mutual exchanges with Blondie, I pick up Curly and off we go!

Granted I'm still feeling all amped up like a baseball player on roids, so I decide to go to the Mall!

I put "The Wheels Of The Bus Go Round n Round" on for Curly and I start singing like a banshee mutha fucker as I speed down the highway.


I pull up to the mall and get Curly out. Into the mall we stroll. The first thing I do is head for the bookstore to buy a new book. I'm a book worm when it all comes down to it, so I need to have my books. I purchase 2nd Chance by James Patterson as I've already read, 1st To Die. I love James Patterson's writing style.

Next I was off to Macy's to buy Curly a new little jacket. I didn't have one and it was semi cold out. So I pick one up from the clearance rack and head over to the checkout.

Now would be a good time to say that I'm not the "playa" type when it comes to women. I keep to myself and that pretty much is about it.

I'm not even this guy....




Notice his smirk on his face....see how happy he is? Granted, this guy probably typed his fingers raw to the bone from all the cyber sex he has had, but look at him...surrounded by beautiful women.

I'm not even the loser that beautiful women "feel safe from". You see, this guy is allowed to be in the group because the women know that he has absolutely no chance of ever getting laid. They don't have to worry about him being an asshole using cheesy pick up lines, because they know, he will be the nice brotherly type.

I'm not even the brotherly friendly type....when it comes to women, I'm not smooth, I would have a hard time talking to a chick and coming away with a number....it just ain't me.


So I'm standing in line waiting to purchase Curly Top's new little clearance sweater. I'm holding Curly and she is waving to the new born baby in front of us.

"Hi Baby" Curly says as she waves.

The mom says how cute, and waves back.

Then Curly turns around and starts waving to the lady behind me.

I hear the lady say hi.

Curly then begins an entire conversation with said lady.

"Bala me gabble town...."

Lady: "Oh really?"

"Ooooookay....my shoe." she says as she maneuvers in my arms to point to her shoes.

Lady: "Oh my, such beautiful shoes."

Curly then decides to point to me and says, "My daddy."

Lady:"Is that your daddy?"

"Uuuuh Huh."

At this point waiting in line, I feel that I now need to become a part of the conversation. Its like Curly was introducing me and now I had to take part in this make believe conversation.

I turn and around and this beautiful woman is standing behind me talking to my daughter. She was no longer a stranger talking to my daughter....she was a beautiful woman talking to my daughter. There's a big difference.

I flash a Clark Gable smile and say, "Hi."

Curly then points to me again nodding her head while she says, "Daddy."

Lady: "Hi daddy."

This is where I normally would be hamming it up about now and give a fun giggle and what not, but I throw out a fake laugh as the realization of my 20 month old daughter pimping me out like a cheap hooker finally hits me.

I tell Pimp Curly to say bye and she promptly replies, "Buh Bye."

Lady: "Nice talking to you and daddy."

I couldn't help but silently say..."That's right...I'm the daddy."

TIMMY: "Bye...nice talking to you"

I quickly purchase the clearance sweater and I drag Ms. Pimptress to the car.

---

Who doesn't love a cheesy pick up line?

Some of my favorites....are, including but not limited to:

"It must be a day off in heaven for an angel like you to be amongst us."

"You're so fine I'd drink a tub of your bath water."

"Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again?"

"Baby, when you leave, walk real slow, 'cause I want to know the way to heaven."

"Here I am all in your kool-aid and I don't even know your flavor."



And women...advice to you:

Keep his pants up and your skirt down

Get some rent in your pocket before you get some dick in your drawers

When you go out, start selecting and rejecting.

The Legend Of The Tamale Lady

 

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What is a Tamale?

Tamales are as basic Mexican as you can get. They are an everyday street food. They are fiesta (party) and holiday food. They are family food. Tamales are to Mexican culture what Chicken and Matzo Ball Soup is to Jewish culture.

Tamales are made from masa dough filled with meat, vegetables and spices (or fruit) and wrapped in a corn husk (or banana leaf). Steamed tamale pie until hot. You don't eat the corn husk you doofus. And once you unwrap the corn husk to get to the goods, its like undressing a woman to get the goods....a piece of heaven.

---

It was a cold moist evening...

I was on my way to the grocery store to pick up some odds and ends. I had a bounce in my walk as I softly sung to myself, "Shake it, sh-shake it.....shake it....sh-shake it...shake it...sh-shake it ...oh oh! Shake it like a polaroid picture....shake it...sh-shake it...HEY YA!".

The headlights of a car light up a Courtesy Clerk picking up shopping carts in the parking lot. He must have been about 15 years old.

A great age... I think to myself.

Where else could you look down the blouse of a 300ib teacher's blouse and get a chubby and not feel guilty about it? Or get excited by being the first in your household to nab the Victoria Secret (lingerie) catalog before anyone else in the house even knew it came in the mail. Lets not forget the two most perfect words to a 15 year old pimple poppin, chubby sportin, wet dreamin boy was Scrambled Porn. Those two words had more importance than breathing. Its where imagination and the sounds of erotic moaning by a female and a quick glimpse of a 1/2 a boob gets you off.

Those were the days.

I go back to my current world and my Outkast song....

"Lend me some sugar! I am your neighbor!....Ah!....Here we go! Uh!...Uh.....shake it, sh-shake it...oh oh!....sh-shake it...."

It's then that I saw....

The moonlight softly illuminating her profile like an angel from above. She was an angel. She was my angel. An angel I had to speak to. An angel that was standing in the dark corner to the entrance of the grocery store.

She was.....The Tamale Lady.

I couldn't believe it.

THE TAMALE LADY!

Every orifice on my body leaked from excitement.

Even though my heart rate picked up and I was noticeably breathing harder, I strolled up to her very smoothly.

I silently repeat to myself, "I'm cool....I'm cool.....I'm cool...."

She was wearing her normal attire ...a sun dress underneath an overcoat. With her hair pulled back and her hands in her pockets, she gazed out into the parking lot horizon.

I slowly approach.

"I'm cool...I'm cool...I'm cool...."

Her head slowly turned to see me and her face was lit up by the moonlight. She was gorgeous. My angel...my Tamale Lady.

I leaned up against the wall next to her as her gaze re-focused on the horizon parking lot.

I asked on question, with one word....

"Tamales?"

Without saying a word she crossed in front of me and started walking.

I followed my Michael Jackson like a little giddy boy.

My angel...my Tamale Lady.


She walked up to a beat up rusted station wagon and lifted the back up. I was absorbed by the aroma of the Tamales. It was heaven. My heaven.

My angel...my Tamale Lady.

The Tamale Lady's tender lips parted and the words soared out of her mouth like an opera singer, "Chicken or Pork?"

I quickly fumbled around for my wallet....I checked it for money....cash, hard cold cash to complete the deal....

I had $10.

I took a quick glance around and in a hoarse voice I stuttered, "f-fff-five ch-chicken & f-fff-five ppp-pork."

The Tamale Lady tenderly smiled at me as she pulled out 5 chicken tamales & 5 pork tamales.

"Enjoy!" she said to me as she handed them into my trembling hands.

I met her eyes as I said, "Oh. Trust me. I will."

I stood there for a moment staring at my gold mine that was purchased with $10. My tamales. My goldmine. I forgot why I was at the grocery store, but it didn't matter, I had what I needed, my gold, my tamales.

I looked up to see The Tamale Lady gracefully walking back to her corner by the grocery store.

She swayed back and forth like a palm tree on this cold moist evening.

My angel, my Tamale Lady.

Holy Blogmeister Batman

 

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WoooOOO HoOoOoOO

I take two days off of work and I come back a mini celebrity...not a Tom Cruise type but a Verne Troyer (Mini Me, from Austin Powers) celebrity.





I received a great recommendation from Special K so thank you VERY much! hehe

Being out for two days made me fall really behind in my blog reading, so I'll post a new blog for myself a little later.

While you're reading blogs, go check out Bad Mamma she's a good friend of mine and is funnier than my Curly Top peeing on me...and thats pretty fuckin funny.