Pimps R Us and the Littlest Pimptress

 

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First of all..... TW - To answer your question....



The Hot Dog Man is nothing...NOTHING like The Tamale Lady.

BIG DIFFERENCE!!!

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It was Palm Sunday yesterday....the week before Easter.

I was in bed as the sun shines brightly through my window shades. My man made tent underneath the covers is a little uncomfortable so I reach down and shift my golf balls and my driver around....okay! okay! it is more like a putter, but its my story so I'll say whatever the fuck I want to.

I reach down and shift my golf balls and driver giant baseballs and big bat into a more comfortable position.

I get up and pour myself a nice hot cup of cream with a splash of coffee and two Sweet N Lows. I drink said cup and pour myself another. I grab a box of Girl Scout Thin Mint Cookies and start eating those with my cream with a splash of coffee. Goddamn I love these cookies....I can eat an entire box in one sitting. I turn the box to read the info on the side panel while I'm munchin on my 7th cookie.

1 Serving = 4 cookies
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7 Grams of Fat per 1 Serving

Oh My Lard.

I immediately put the box down and just concentrate on my cream. So I'm sitting there sippin my cream relaxing when I realize that I forgot to spring my clocks forward and I'm an entire hour behind schedule.

I'M LATE PICKING CURLY TOP (my 20 month old daughter) up from her mom's!

Shit!

I make a dash for the phone to call my baby's momma, hence forward shall be referred to as, "Blondie"

**doot, do dat, ding ding, dot doot**

{insert connecting sounds here}

**Ring......Ring....**

"Come on...pick up..."

**Ring....Ring...**

I slowly sip on my cream.

**Ring...Rin...CLICK**

Blondie in gargled voice: "Hello?"

TIMMY: "Hey its me....I forgot to change my clocks last night, I'm going to be late."

Blondie with big sigh: "Oh, okay....ummm, I'll have Curly ready."

TIMMY: "Oh did you forget to turn your clocks forward too?"

Blondie: "Uhhh no....I have it together."

TIMMY while rolling eyes: "Okay I'll be there in 20 minutes."

Blondie: "Okay, bye."

TIMMY: "Bye."

DAMMIT!!!

I quickly down my cream and make a dash for the shower.

By the time I get out of the shower the coffee and the sugar have materialized into a pure rush of ....

Whoa....I'm feeling good.

I'm bouncing around the place like a horny rabbit....I'm here, then I scamper over there, back and forth, romp romp romp like a damn cockroach.

I sped off to pick up Curly Top for another day with Daddy.


After a little encounter and some mutual exchanges with Blondie, I pick up Curly and off we go!

Granted I'm still feeling all amped up like a baseball player on roids, so I decide to go to the Mall!

I put "The Wheels Of The Bus Go Round n Round" on for Curly and I start singing like a banshee mutha fucker as I speed down the highway.


I pull up to the mall and get Curly out. Into the mall we stroll. The first thing I do is head for the bookstore to buy a new book. I'm a book worm when it all comes down to it, so I need to have my books. I purchase 2nd Chance by James Patterson as I've already read, 1st To Die. I love James Patterson's writing style.

Next I was off to Macy's to buy Curly a new little jacket. I didn't have one and it was semi cold out. So I pick one up from the clearance rack and head over to the checkout.

Now would be a good time to say that I'm not the "playa" type when it comes to women. I keep to myself and that pretty much is about it.

I'm not even this guy....




Notice his smirk on his face....see how happy he is? Granted, this guy probably typed his fingers raw to the bone from all the cyber sex he has had, but look at him...surrounded by beautiful women.

I'm not even the loser that beautiful women "feel safe from". You see, this guy is allowed to be in the group because the women know that he has absolutely no chance of ever getting laid. They don't have to worry about him being an asshole using cheesy pick up lines, because they know, he will be the nice brotherly type.

I'm not even the brotherly friendly type....when it comes to women, I'm not smooth, I would have a hard time talking to a chick and coming away with a number....it just ain't me.


So I'm standing in line waiting to purchase Curly Top's new little clearance sweater. I'm holding Curly and she is waving to the new born baby in front of us.

"Hi Baby" Curly says as she waves.

The mom says how cute, and waves back.

Then Curly turns around and starts waving to the lady behind me.

I hear the lady say hi.

Curly then begins an entire conversation with said lady.

"Bala me gabble town...."

Lady: "Oh really?"

"Ooooookay....my shoe." she says as she maneuvers in my arms to point to her shoes.

Lady: "Oh my, such beautiful shoes."

Curly then decides to point to me and says, "My daddy."

Lady:"Is that your daddy?"

"Uuuuh Huh."

At this point waiting in line, I feel that I now need to become a part of the conversation. Its like Curly was introducing me and now I had to take part in this make believe conversation.

I turn and around and this beautiful woman is standing behind me talking to my daughter. She was no longer a stranger talking to my daughter....she was a beautiful woman talking to my daughter. There's a big difference.

I flash a Clark Gable smile and say, "Hi."

Curly then points to me again nodding her head while she says, "Daddy."

Lady: "Hi daddy."

This is where I normally would be hamming it up about now and give a fun giggle and what not, but I throw out a fake laugh as the realization of my 20 month old daughter pimping me out like a cheap hooker finally hits me.

I tell Pimp Curly to say bye and she promptly replies, "Buh Bye."

Lady: "Nice talking to you and daddy."

I couldn't help but silently say..."That's right...I'm the daddy."

TIMMY: "Bye...nice talking to you"

I quickly purchase the clearance sweater and I drag Ms. Pimptress to the car.

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Who doesn't love a cheesy pick up line?

Some of my favorites....are, including but not limited to:

"It must be a day off in heaven for an angel like you to be amongst us."

"You're so fine I'd drink a tub of your bath water."

"Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk by again?"

"Baby, when you leave, walk real slow, 'cause I want to know the way to heaven."

"Here I am all in your kool-aid and I don't even know your flavor."



And women...advice to you:

Keep his pants up and your skirt down

Get some rent in your pocket before you get some dick in your drawers

When you go out, start selecting and rejecting.