Nagel Me This Batman....

 

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Man!!! Its been a few days since I've been able to write, but my god, thats what I thought about every time I got on a keyboard... shit, I got to write my blog! Amazing how bloggin becomes like a friend you don't want to let down. Not like I could let my blog down, cause everything I have to say fuckin rocks!

When my wife and I first moved to the beach, my brother's wife asked if we wanted this Nagel picture. Nothing screams 1985 like a fucking Nagel picture so I was like, "BEAT IT" with that bullshit I don't want the damn picture, but alas, my wife took the picture and hung it up at the bottom of our stairway where I got to look at it every night before I went to bed. 3 years I had to endure that piece of shit until 2 months ago I moved out. Aaaaaah, Nagel free at last!!!!

So as my wife has been packing her stuff to move she has been packing little odds & ends here and there. I went to go pick up some stuff that she had packed up and gave me one of my posters and the Nagel. "You can have it or throw it away cause I don't want it." What the fuck? I never wanted it in the first place! It's perfectly framed and everything is okay with it, so I took it to work to see if someone at my work might like to take it. I might not like it but maybe someone else does, and because I'm such a fucking rad guy, I made a post in the Public Forum at my work:

Nagel For Free

Okay, I have a Nagel already framed if you want it. Why you would want it, I have no idea, but email me if you do. If there is more than one response, we'll toss the names in a hat unless I like one better over the other then I'll just give it to the person I like better.

If I don't get any responses by Friday I'm throwing it away cause I hate the damn thing.

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Two days pass and I still have the fucking ugly thing in my office when finally.....FINALLY I get a response from the secretary that sits by me saying how she loves Nagel and she wants to take a look at it. Well, low and behold it just so happens to be her most favorite Nagel, and the same one she has is broken, so this works out great!!!!!

Yes, here you go I say as I happily hand over the piece of art that I consider to be like taking a big fucking dump and then framing it. She then proceeds to tell me that she will put it up at work....wait, you can't do that I tell her, knowing that she sits right next to me and I'll have to look at the ugly thing every fucking day. "Well, I already have 3 at home and it is really ghetto to hang them up, so I'll hang them up here at work."

OH MY FUCKING GOD.... Please don't do this to me. NO WAY JOSE!!!! I guess God is still getting me back for masturbating in a church bathroom while looking at cutouts from the bra/panty section in the Macy's catalog.



A great friend of mine, Bad Mamma Jamma had written about "sister" rules and stuff. Taking it a step further, I thought I would write some for my "brothers" and the rules we follow. Since we all know that guy friends are better friends than chick friends. Its a fact and at the end, I'll explain why.

In no particular order:

- If a brother introduces you to a "female friend", under no circumstance are you allowed to hit on her, even if they are not dating. The exception to the rule comes in when you get shit face drunk and any woman who is willing to sleep with you are up for grabs.

- When giving a hug, make sure to pat the back 3 times - it is the unspoken disclaimer - "I'm Not Gay"

- When your brother gets shit face and passes out, its a duty to kick the shit out of him, then tell him the next day he must have fallen.

- If you are ever questioned by your brother's girlfriend/spouse of his whereabouts, he was a) with you; b) buying his love a gift; c) I don't know

- Unless there is a wine cooler in your brother's fridge, you are not allowed to bitch like a pansy about the alcohol he has.

- Never look at your brother when the two of you are at a urinal and make sure there is a urinal stall between the two of you.

- You need to ask permission to date a brother's ex. There is no exception to this rule. In return, your brother is allowed to beat the shit out of you then proceed to tell you how much you will enjoy her blow jobs.

- If a brother has a booger in his nose, it is your responsibility to make fun of him up until he is about to cry. In addition, you are not responsible to advise him if his zipper is down because you never looked down there in the first place.

- Never have an argument with your brother, paper, rock scissors shall settle any disagreement.

- Always help in any way you possibly can to assist your brother in getting a 3some.

- If your brother has the opportunity to sleep with the hottest chick in the club, you are required to talk to the ugly friend, lip lock and pretend like you love it, even up to making her scream like a crazy Ethiopian One Legged Hooker in hopes that your brother will sleep with the hottest chick.

That's all I got, but I think that about covers the major points.


Now, back to explaining why men "brothers" make better friends than women "sisters". It comes down to one point actually....and it just so happens to be the last rule I wrote. A brother will sleep with Jabba The Fuckin Hairy Hut if it means his brother will live out the Boyhood dream of sleeping with a hot chick. We'll even suck on that hairy mole on her lip and like it if it means our brother is going to get some good poon tang.

Women on the other hand....hah....You will not sleep with a fat greasy slob. Your sister might have the chance to get the best dick she's ever had, but you will not sleep with a disgusting sleaze piece of shit.

So....given that little scenario, men make better friends...that is all.