The Passion Of Diarrhea
Okay so here I am at work, not wanting to work so I thought I would blog it. The word Bloggin it sorta reminds me of picking my nose in a weird sexual kind of way...hmmm I'm just really horny and lonely right now I guess. Which means I need to stay away from my boss since he is gay. Not that that is a bad thing, I mean I moved up my company like a midget being shot out of a cannon solely based on me bending over and picking up pencils.
Anyways, last weekend I helped my mom baby sit 4 kids...the ages: a 5 year old, a 4 year old, a 18 month old, and a 4 month old. I feel sorry for the mom and give props to the obviously well hung dad. On top of the closely age related 4 kids, I had my 18 month old with me. So now there is a total of 5 kids. Let me just say it was hell. Made me realize that I don't want anymore kids...I don't want anymore even if it means pretending I'm a bad lover in bed....not like anyone would believe me if I told them I was a bad lover cause I'm so awesome. You can tell just by looking at me. All the talk about not judging a book by its cover, its all bullshit. Look at me....I look awesome and I am awesome.
So anyways, I got free movie tickets to the new Mel Gibson movie The Passion for babysitting....now I heard the movie was all in subtitles so I was going to wait for the DVD to come out so I can change the audio to English so I don't have to work by reading the fucking subtitles. I mean, I go to movies to relax, not read! But I had free tickets so last night I went and saw the movie.
Now if you don't know the story of Jesus Christ then it might be a little confusing...I was brought up in a church and at times I was a little confused. How many of you out there can honestly say that you first masturbated in the church bathroom???? HUH??? Yeah, I've spent more time sitting in a fucking pew than a priest has touched little boys, and that my gentle readers, is a lot. Back to the movie, so it can be a little confusing, especially since Gibson used a lot of symbolic evil through the movie...you seem some white guy without any fucking eyebrows and he's like "Satan". Evil. Anyways, its sorta weird at first until you figure out what is going on.
The movie was supposed to be really gory, but you know, it wasn't gory at all to me. I mean, the movie Scream had more blood in it and that movie was geared towards teenagers. The difference is, is that the movie portrayed realistic violence that made it seem so much gorier...is gorier a word? Well I'm using it and fuck you if you disagree. Gibson likes to use realistic violence in his movies (Braveheart, The Patriot)...anyways, this movie is no different than those, bloody, yes, more bloody than other flicks, no.
So I'm sitting there stuffing my face with popcorn that cost me $5.50 and drinking my large coke that I paid $3.95 for while everyone else is crying or just staring at the screen. I had this lady sitting behind me that kept talking to herself but she was doing it like she wasn't in a movie theatre annoying anyone else around her. Every now and then you would hear, "Thats horrible...." .... "I can't believe that"..... please lady, shut the fuck up. Okay back to me....So about half way through the movie all of a sudden I get a rumbling in my tummy. This isn't good I think to myself...and then the pain hits like a two ton truck. All I can think of while watching Jesus Christ carrying the cross was that I was in the middle of an Imodium anti-diarrhea commercial...."Where will you be when your diarrhea comes back?"
Here's a picture to help you visualize the commercial if you don't already know.
The pain was unbearable...I couldn't even get up it was so horrible....then the pain subsides and I figure that I can hold out until the movie is over. So I put my popcorn down and shift positions while I wipe away the sweat beads on my forehead. My eyes focus back on the film just in time to see the Romans grab a Jew from the crowd to help Jesus carry the cross since he can't do it anymore by himself. Now, this dude looks like a black guy to me. So now I'm thinking, out of all the white people in the crowd, the Romans grabbed the Jew that looks black to help a white guy carry his shit. What the fuck is up with that? Then the guy shouts to the crowd that he's only "helping" the condemned and he is innocent. Now I knew the fucker was black and I still can't believe that they pulled a black looking dude to help the white guy, I mean god damn....pun intended.
So now I'm watching getting all pissed off at The Man when all of a sudden like a bad case of herpes the pain comes back like a Hymn Fuk....what the hell is a Hymn Fuk? Its when the pain is so severe you start singing "Fuck, Fuck, Fuck" like a god damn song hymn. The pain was so bad I can't even get up as tears start forming in my eyes and if anyone looked at me they would think that I was feeling the agony that Jesus was going through and not even know that I was fucking dying.
Jesus died, and I felt somewhat connected to Jesus to him at that very moment cause I felt like dying. But in the end I was happy the movie was over so I could rush home. The movie was very intense. Well done, I love Gibson as a director.
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