Godzilla Bowling For God

 

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Friday night I was invited to go bowling with the Men's Group of my mom's church. Granted, I was brought up in a church and can recite John 3:16 like a bad mutha fucka....but as you might be able to tell, I no longer go to church and I'm not, how do you say, one to be appreciated by the typical church goer whenever I open my mouth.

So I get introduced to everyone as Kathlene's son. Great, now I have to be on my good behavior or it will reflect poorly on my mom which in turn will make my life a living hell more so than it already is. So I flash my Clark Gable smile and meet all the guys in a nice way.

"This is Kathlene's son, TJ."

TIMMY: "Hi, Nice to meet everyone." flashing my Clark Gable smile

Guys: "TJ?"

TIMMY: "Yeah, you know...... like the letters."

Guys: "Oh as in Tijuana!"

Laughter from guys....

TIMMY: "You got it!" fake laugh from me

So we all get our shoes except for about 3 guys who brought their own ball, their own shoes, gloves, basically a whole outfit ready to go to war. I get my rented shoes and start walking back to the lanes that were pre-paid for. I notice that there must be some kind of Asian tournament going on cause the place was loaded with Asians. Great....granted I'm only 6'3 but I felt like Godzilla walking around the damn Bowling Ally.

Then I felt like a slab of meat as I was gawked at by the 15 year old high school girls who can't go anywhere else except to the Bowling Ally. Which in turn caused their pimple poppin 16 year old boyfriends to stare me down. Yeah, a Godzilla who's hangin out with bible thumpin old guys is going to pull an R. Kelly on your girls....yeah, okay. Whatevah.

I toss my flip flops to the side, put my socks and my rented bowling shoes on. Then I get introduced to "my team". Aaaah, great.....

First up was a really big old guy I'll call "Mr. Action" because he knows more about movies than Steven Spielberg. This guy has not only seen every movie, he's seen them more than 3 times....so I was surprised that he was actually out and doing something besides consuming his time up with more movies. So the name Mr. Action fits him perfectly especially the irony in that the fact that he hasn't probably seen any action since Scott Baio had a career. The last time Mr. Action bowled his feet hurt for 3 days...he's a partier.

Next was my close family friend who invited me, so lets call him "Mr. Con" since he coned me into going in the first place. The last time he bowled he sprained his finger. The animal.

Then there was one of the "professional bowlers"....he had his own shoes, a ball, a spare ball, a glove, a support for his wrist, chalk, a towel and I'm sure there were tons more he had but I just didn't notice because I couldn't take my eyes off the fact that he looks exactly like Christian Slater.....So lets call him "Mr. Slater" .....Mr. Slater still has a 1993 Backstreet Boys haircut and immediately started in on how he hasn't bowled for about 5 years.

Rolling Eyes

I already know Mr. Slater was at the last mens group bowling about 2 months prior because Mr. Con informed me of same. I hate when people act like they don't do something well just so they can get compliment after compliment when they do well.

Then there was me, a Tall Mexican in flip flops trying to fit in.

Wonderful...


First up on the Dream Team was Mr. Action....he grabs a ball and slowly jogs up to the line like a rhino trying to do the ballet then flings his 12 ib ball down the lane at a 103 mph as he slides across the line. He knocks over 2 pins. He finishes his first frame at knocking down a total of 5 pins. Kudos to Mr. Action.

Next up was me....I threw a strike...."YEAH BABY!!!!! YEAH!"

Mr. Slater - "Looks like I'll have some competition" then giggles like Joe McIntyre from New Kids On The Block.

Mr. Con is up and in his first frame he knocks down a total of 3 pins.

Mr. Slater is then up and tries.....let me re-emphasize, "TRIES" to hook his ball but looks more like Anna Nicole Smith pretending to be smart. It just doesn't look pretty. Anyways he ends up knocking down a total of 7 pins and immediately begins to talk about how "wet" the lanes are and blah blah blah. Apparently Mr. Slater's average is about 190 but just hearing him complain about shit instead of just going out for fun is completely and utterly annoying.

Mr. Action doing his best impersonation of Ozzy Osbourne as he half jogs half trips while he throws the ball at a 107 mph down the lane only to knock down 3 pins is beginning to become amusing to me.

It is my turn and I throw a spare...wow, I'm doing pretty swell I think to myself, I then head off to the toilet. More glares from the 16 year old boyfriends. Walking across the bowling ally I believe I hear whispering screams of "Godzilla.....Godzilla.....Godzilla....."

I fight off the glares and the paranoia of being Godzilla to get back to the complaining Mr. Slater of how his wrist hurts now. I would really like to kick Mr. Slater in the fucking balls right now but I can't knowing how word of my behavior would get back to my mom and again, make my life an even more living hell than it already is, I decide against kicking Mr. Slater in the balls. Instead a conversation with Mr. Action is begun about the movie, "About Schmidt". I know that the only reason why Mr. Action has seen this movie 4 times is because of the nude scene with Kathy Bates.

Oh Puuuuke

As the night wore on, Mr. Slater started doing better and stopped complaining like....well, like Christian Slater himself. The urges to stick my finger in his nose to ram it up into his brain finally subsided.

I did enjoy my time with Mr. Con and at the end of the night....I had a good time.