Bipolar Midget Clones

 I've always wanted a midget as a pet. I think that would be like the most awesome thing on this planet besides me. You could make them do your chores and have conversations with them. You could play with their fat little fingers while they giggle and tell each other jokes.

That would so rock.

However, since apparently they are like human with feelings or something, I'm not "technically" allowed to have a midget as a pet. So what is a tall Mexican with a Clark Gable smile in flip-flops supposed to do?

Clone himself thats what.

However, I ran into another problem when I looked into that scenario. Apparently cloning is against the law based on some bullshit like morals or something.

So now I'm left with no midget, and no clone. Sometimes life is cruel....and yet, sometimes life is great because I have Curly Top!

Because Curly Top is tiny, she's like a midget, and she looks like me (not really but I tell myself 17 times a day that she looks like me so I can convince myself of same), its like having a midget clone! So basically, I have a little midget clone all because I just so happened to grab the condom that had tiny pin pricks in it.

Though I was pissed that the condom even had tiny pin pricks in it at all, I'm happy now with my midget clone. Now I have time for important stuff like, playing video games, and gazing at myself in the mirror, you know, the essentials of life because I make her do all my household chores.

And in return, I let the midget clone paint my face.

Speaking of my birthday.....

**interrupt**

TIMMY! your birthday was on Sunday, stop talking about it...sheesh, you talked about it the week leading up to your day, and now what? We have to sit through you talking about your birthday the week after? Come on!!! Talk about something else. You're 26 for God's sake, birthday's aren't that important after 21.


Okay first of all, never interrupt me again or I will stab you in the forearm with a paperclip.

Secondly, this is my fucking website and I will talk about whatever I want, including, but not limited to, midgets as pets, cloning, Curly Top, how women shouldn't be allowed to vote, black balls, crotchety old women who smell like decomposing B.O., Mexicans and why they mow my lawn, boobies, how I want women to cook my steak, why Taco Bell food looks like diarrhea wrapped in a tortilla, the 237 reasons why ugly people suck ass, herpes and why that disease rocks, stuck up no rhythm white people, Christopher Reeves-the man of wheels, Tamales and why I love the Tamale Lady, my dashingly Clark Gable smile and my Cary Grant good looks, tomatoes, and of course....my fucking birthday.

Okay? You got that?

So just sit there at your desk with your pathetic life and read my Kick Ass Nobody Rocks Like Me Blog and you will be entertained.

Now where was I?......

Dammit!

Now you got me all fucking worked up and I can't remember what I was going to say.

It's assholes like you that ruin it for everyone else.

Horseshit!!!!

I need to go grab an 83 year old Asian woman from the driver seat of a car and kick her in the crotch to feel better now.

Thank you...I hope you feel good about yourself knowing that an 83 year old Asian women driver has to suffer now because of your inconsiderate and selfish request asshole.

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Ummmm......I'll be launching my new additions to my website as I have finished the main page finally.

I'm like stho sthmart.

I have an entire new addition that will prove that I am definitely bipolar and I need to be on some kind of medication. I'll also have a section updated every Friday that you will enjoy. You might not be able to look at it at work, but at least it'll be there.

Just to let you know I'll be scripting all my pictures so you can see all the pictures I've used on my blog without having to go through all the archives, but that will take me time. So don't stop having sex waiting on me cause it might be awhile. Keep slapping those sweaty bodies together trying to make midget clones.

I was hoping to unveil the main page last Friday for my birthday but I hit some snags. So hopefully it'll be this Friday, as long as my shipment of viagra comes in by Thursday from my Tio in Mexico I shouldn't have a problem getting it up on Friday.

Oh yeah!! I remember what I was going to say about my birthday......does anyone have a problem with me talking about my birthday now?

No?

Good.

I want to share with you the best birthday card....no, the best card period that I have ever received in the entire Universe, it also helps that the person giving it to me is Tamale Lady beautiful, and she even wore knee high boots the other day so it was like a perfect birthday present....

click it to read the inside:

Happy Birthday Daddy!

 Curly Top decided that it would be a fun day to take me, my niece (Omey), Omey's little brother (4 months old) and my Godson to a place called Bamboola. It's a huge place for kids that has all sorts of fun things to do.

They have dress up, crafts, water stuff, jungle stuff to climb on and balls to play in...and face painting.

Every single one of us had a great time!

I got everything I wanted for my birthday....genuine love from the kids I love.

Thank you Curly for being the best daughter in the Universe...I love you!

Click Here for the conception story of me I wrote 2 years ago.

I Love Me Some Black Balls

My dad took me out for my birthday today at lunch, and to my delight, he bought me some Black Balls to suck on and then he proceeded to watch me suck on them like a 19 yr. old Room Service Waitress.

I delicately suck on the black balls slurping them up while I softly gnaw on them like a pair of soft boobies.

My hands gently caress the long thick straw as I reach pure ecstasy.

Satisfied from all of my Black Ball sucking I slump in my chair and fantasize about tomatoes and midgets.

Times are good my gentle readers, times are good.

Here's a picture of me today sucking on some black balls:






What are Black Balls?

Black Balls are also known as Bubble tea, boba drink, pearl tea drink, boba ice tea, boba, boba nai cha, zhen zhou nai cha, pearl milk tea, pearl ice tea, black pearl tea, tapioca ball drink, BBT, PT, pearl shake, QQ (which means chewy in Chinese) and of course my term for it: Black Balls.

Black Balls originated in Taiwan in the early 1980's at a small tea stand for kids getting out of school. In 1983, some chick named Liu Han-Chieh introduced Taiwan to tapioca pearls (the Black Balls).

Black Ball drinks are usually cool, refreshing, and a sweet drink with tapioca pearls sitting on the bottom of a clear cup that also look like bubbles, thus also became to known as "Bubble Tea". Sometimes the drink is made with fresh fruits, milk, and crushed ice to create a healthy milk shake.

Tapioca pearls are typically black. The consistency of tapioca pearls are somewhere between jell-o and chewing gum. They are the size of a marble. They are also known as the "boba" drink in Western China because it is described as to having the same texture as the female breasts which is just a great feeling chewing on a black ball imagining it to be a boob.

A clear cup with black balls on the bottom can easily identify bubble Tea drinks. Another obvious trait is a huge fat straw. The fat straw is needed so that the black balls can be sucked up with the drink and eaten. Bubble Tea's appearance definitely makes it unique.

One thing is for certain. Black Balls is not a fad. It's a trend. This drink is addictive. If you've had a good one before then you know what I'm talking about.


Make me proud and go suck on some black balls.

Bow to the mighty Black Balls.

You Look Like Ed Zachery....

Why is it when you are explaining someone's physical appearance you feel obligated to somehow compare them to a celebrity?

Is it because you're to freakin lazy to give an accurate description of the person?

Maybe its because you want to pretend like you are popular and you know someone who looks like so n so.

I personally have always enjoyed someone talking to me and then all of a sudden they turn there head like a dog and with an astute observation that they just realized, they advise you who you look like completely ignoring your conversation and cutting you off with a .....

"Hey, you know you look like...."

"Has anyone ever told you - you look like..."

"You look like .... in that movie....."

"Oh my God it's like talking to....."

First of all, don't interrupt me because everything I have to say is important and I need your full undivided attention.

Second, I don't look like the celebrities, the celebrities look like me.

Here are the celebrities I've been told I look like in no particular order.


Frank "Ponch" Poncherello from the T.V. show CHiPs played by Erik Estrada.

I use to love this TV Show. I think Ponch looks more like my Tio (uncle) Sal. I've always wanted to be a CHiP because I enjoyed how they would get a call in the middle of lunch and they would throw it away as they ran to the motorcycles. The call was always for a 17 car pile up....I've always wanted to do that so being compared to Ponch is a compliment. Now a days I see Erik Estrada on local TV networks desperately trying to sell real estate for property that most likely doesn't even exist. That sorta worries me as I can see myself in the future trying to sell used Lawn Mowers.



Oscar De La Hoya, "The Golden Boy"

Even though Paul Hamm has a deeper voice than this former Gold Medal winner, I use to take being compared to him as a complement. Now that he constantly gets his ass kicked more than Whitney Houston, I'm thinking I would like to forget about ever being told I look like Oscar. The fact that he actually recorded an album making him look like a doofus doesn't help the situation either.

Retire Oscar...you're embarrassing the Hispanic community.



A Nascar Driver

I don't remember which Nascar driver I was told I looked like because quit frankly, nobody cares about Nascar except for the people that can sit for hours watching cars go around in circles. Watching cars go around in a huge circle? That is so exciting! I decided to add a picture of various drivers and maybe one of them will stick out as the one I look like. I've always wanted to look like a white trash-mac N cheese-eatin-toothless Nascar driver.

Or maybe the person who told me I looked like a Nascar driver actually meant I looked like the Beaner that gasses up the car on a pit stop.



A Latin Jim Carrey

He's tall and gangly with big teeth to go along with his big mouth. I think this might be the most accurate resemblance of me yet. I mean, I do have a big mouth and I am gangly and most importanly...I'm special. When I was younger I wasn't allowed to sit across from the window during dinner because I wouldn't eat as I was making faces in the reflection of the window. That is a true story. I was forced to sit with my back to the windows....I was deprived growing up.



RJ Helton of American Idol Season 1

Judge 1 "Awwwright dawg, you just didn't do it for me...I mean, I see the resemblance but I know you can do better than that dawg."
Judge 2 "I think this is one of the best comparisons yet. You still could do better, but I feel you did an amazing job tonight."
Judge 3 "You're an idiot. TIMMY! looks nothing like him. He's a teenager, and he's short. I've seen better comparisons of Robert Redford & Farrah Fawcett to a bag of beef jerky."



A Backstreet Boy...not anyone in particular, but I've been told I belong in the Backstreet Boys

Wow, being compared to 35 year old guys who cater to 15 year old girls has always been a dream I've had. Maybe I could pass as a Jim Carrey Backstreet Boy.



I've been told I look like "that guy"

I've been THE Grody Guy, but who the hell is "that guy"? Maybe being "that guy" is better than being "this guy". Still, why can't I just be TIMMY!?



Freddie Prince Jr.

How sad is it when I'm being compared to a cartoon type of caracter? Times have gotten low when I'm compared to a shaved Freddie Prince Jr. though I can take into delight that his last name is Prince which sorta is like me.....only sorta like me cause I'm not a prince, I'm a King.



Chayanne - Latin Singer/Actor

Most of you won't know who he is...actually, only about 3 of you will know who he is, but I've been told I look like him. I think the pictures of him speak for themselves in showing the resemblance....err, maybe not.



JFK Jr.

This was a nice comparison when he was alive. But now I feel like someone is making fun of me when they compare me to JFK Jr. The dude is dead for Christ's Sake and I'm told I look like him. Wow, thanks.....errr, I think.



Maybe someday people will say....Hey, You look like TIMMY! Then people can put my picture up on their website.

No Asshole, I Won't Throw Them Away!

 Since my birthday is coming up, I have been doing some thinking...always a dangerous weapon when it involves my brain. I started thinking about my birthday last year and the various gifts I received.

Last year for my birthday I was given a $100 certificate to buy some new clothes.

If you are wondering why, it's because I typically dress like crap. A typical outfit of mine consists of a Hawaiian shirt, a pair of jeans or dockers and a pair of flip flops.

So my friends decided to help me out and purchase some gift certificates in hopes that I may be able to be presentable enough to hang out with them.

I also received a $25 gift certificate to purchase a new pair of cleats. I still have the $25 gift certificate for a new pair cleats because I don't need a new pair of cleats, the pair I own are just fine. They have provided me with many spectacular athletic moments so why should I get rid of them?

Here's a bad polaroid picture of my cleats. The weird colorization around the cleats is duct tape to hold the cleat together since every piece of material on the cleat has basically deteriorated.





Recently I have been receiving threats to purchase a new pair of shoes and to throw away my current pair of shoes. The shoes I've owned since I was about 16 years old. If I'm not wearing flip-flops, I'm wearing these indoor soccer flats. Well, what use to be indoor soccer flats...they have turned into the most comfortable pair of Godsend slippers known to mankind.

I'm wearing these shoes today, so I took a polaroid picture of them as well for you. I will not apologize for the possible jealousy feelings that may arise from the viewing of my shoes that I have been perfecting for the past 10 years.






The final straw to people trying to dress me happened today. I was attending a baby shower for a co-worker of mine here in the office.

Let me be the first to point out that I hate baby showers.

They're a waste of time.

They make me want to puke.

They're stupid.

Office Baby Showers are exactly 7.3 times worse than a regular baby shower. The pukage factor for a Office Baby Shower increases by a total of 83%.

Please see the graph I drew below to prove my point:








So while I'm sitting there listening to the "ooooooh" ....."awwwwwww" ....."look how tiny" bullshit that one has to deal with while attending a baby shower, I also have to deal with the dumb office skanks that say:

"If you don't want to get pregnant, don't drink the water."

If you don't want to get pregnant, don't worry about not drinking the water, just keep looking like an un-kept fish smelling stupid tramp like you always do and you won't get pregnant. Or how about just keep opening your flea infested trap and spoutin stupid shit out like a moron.

"My Husband wants another one.....I'm like, 'why don't you give birth then.' hahahaha"

Shut the fuck up. Men need to go out drinking with their buddies while you stay at home with the kids cooking our steak to perfection. You're a woman, do your fucking job and stop complaining.

"They're cute now, but just wait, I remember when my child was like that but then...."

This isn't about you, stop trying to make everyone look at you and your unimportant stupid child raising stories. If anyone is going to get the attention, it should be me....so shut the hell up.

So while I'm sitting through this horrific experience of women gabble on and on and on about how cute and tiny the clothes are, I have my legs stretched out and someone mentions to me that I need a new pair of shoes.

Excuse me? First of all, why aren't you busy looking at the ugly cone headed infant while telling the parents their ugly kid is cute?

Don't tell me my shoes are ugly and should be thrown away, I've seen pictures of your kids and you don't throw them away do you? No, then leave me the fuck alone.

Yoko Ono, formerly Fashion Sunshine, tells me that she will take me shopping for a new pair of shoes.

What?

No....I don't go shopping, especially for something I don't need.

My shoes are just fine thank you very much.

Now get off my back assholes cause I'm not throwing them away!

Karma is with Law Firm Celebrities

 My T! Magazine was a huge success. I sold exactly 1.73 million magazines less than Opera Winfrey.

Because of its huge success, I will be producing a second edition in the coming weeks. Major thanks to Peeved Michelle for writing the Metrosexual article. It was nice not having to write all the articles....I should hire some writers for T! Magazine. Please send in your applications to become a writer for T! Magazine and in exchange, I'll ask my Uncle to mow your lawn.

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It's All About Me!

So I was informed that Yoko Ono, formerly of the Law Firm Clique and her roommate wanted to throw a joint birthday party for myself and Julie McCoy, original member of the Law Firm Clique.

First of all, I don't share my birthday with anyone. It's my birthday, and nobody else fucking matters. Even if you are from the Law Firm Clique, I don't share my goddamn day. Don't try and save money by throwing a 2 for 1 deal like a cheap sale at the dollar store.

They wanted to do this shing ding on Friday the 17th.

Whoa there friends who feel obligated to celebrate my birthday with 27 other people who's birthday also falls in the month of September, I have plans.

It's Friday night, always assume I have plans....there is a reason why my life is better than yours, and its because I don't sit my brown ass in front of the TV stuffing my face with extra cheesy dorritos watching highlights of the Olympics on Friday nights.

I have plans.

They finally broke me down like a Martha Stewart Scandal and I agreed to attend their party.

Just because my loyal friends are to cheap to give me my own day to celebrate my birthday doesn't mean I still won't get my way. I got everyone to agree to change the party to the next day, Saturday the 18th.

So though I'm feeling like I'm lying face down in a puddle of mud hearing Darth Vadar breathing noises in the distance as I just got ran over by Christopher Reeves because I have to share my birthday, I feel a little Kathy Lee Gifford-ish like I'm getting cheap labor from kids overseas knowing that they changed the date just for me.

Here is the actual Evite that went out on Monday.



Subject: Pajama Jamy Jam

Yes, you read it right!!! Well, it’s for Julie McCoy and TIMMY! for goodness sakes! Yoko Ono and Jelly Bean are hosting a pajama party for these boys! And yes, you MUST wear your pajamas or suffer the consequences and you know we aren’t going to go easy! And those of you who sleep in the NUDE, please be considerate and come with leaves at least.

We'll be in the “Red Light District” (our backyard with red lights) for some food, fun and a whole lot of drinking…..in your pajamas!!! We’ll provide the BBQ and dessert. Please bring your beverage of choice and whatever else you feel you’d like to share.
Please forward this evite to those people we missed and we'll see you this weekend!!!



Not only do I have to share my birthday with Julie McCoy, but I now have to read Yoko Ono mentioning Julie McCoy before me.

What the fuck?

Did you forget who I am?

I'm TIMMY!

Not just timmy...or Timmy.....or TIMMY.....but.....TIMMY!

I'm TIMMY! the goddamn Law Firm Celebrity!


So I'm really fuming over this whole scandal....thats right...a fucking scandal when I realize that I no longer can even make it on the 18th.

The rage that was erupting inside my 6'3 frame quickly evaporated as I realized that I no longer can even make the date that they changed just for me.

BWWWWWWWWWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I responded to the Evite that I could not make it and that I was serious.

Then I received this email from Yoko Ono:



Subject: OMG!! You're not going to your party, we changed the date for you!

Black Magnum told me that you couldn't do it on Friday night so I changed it to Saturday.


BWWWWWWWWWWWWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


This is exactly what you get for not making me number one in your lives and giving me my own damn birthday party.

That's Karma for you.

Maybe next year you'll think of me and try to make me happy instead of trying to make everyone happy.

So if you're sitting there reading this and you are attending my party, I hope you enjoy it and let me know how it turns out cause I won't be there.

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It's Still All About Me

Last week I flew into Santa Monica (LA area) for a day & a night. Even though I didn't find a Latin Club to check out it was a nice visit. I'll return and check the place out for some sight seeing as this trip was just for business and I missed out on sight seeing. The only other time I've been in the LA area, was to go to Disney Land and the only sight seeing I got to see then was a school of mentally challenged children. Though I love watching those goofy bastards, I want to see something other than a kid with a helmet running pigeon toe with snot running down his face trying to get Mickey Mouse's signature.

So my trip to LA was all business. It was nice though, I got to meet a lot of the people I deal with all the time. As I was going around meeting people I hear my name called out and about 5 people immediately crowd around me. They were asking me questions, gazing at me lovingly, and trying to reach out and touch a piece of my clothing.

I was a Law Firm Celebrity.

Now I know you're sitting there wishing you too could be a Law Firm Celebrity, but let me tell you that it isn't as glamorous as you might imagine.

You can't even walk to the copier without being recognized, yes, my gentle readers, it's that bad. You can't make a freakin copy without someone asking how you like LA. I even had Elena, the Janitor recognize me....I guess that isn't that unusual though cause she's also my Aunt.

I had to sign off on a couple of things while I was there. I glanced over the document I was supposed to sign and I saw my name in full print and signed my name above it. My signature looks something like a circle, and a couple of zig zag crosses.

Interesting signature you have there - I was told.

With the numerous autographs that is requested from a Law Firm Celebrity I have taken the liberty to alter my signature to something that resembles a stroke patient trying to write out the alphabet. It doesn't matter though, as my name always appears directly underneath my signature in perfect blocked print.

This particular individual in which I now believe was one of the goofy bastards I saw at Disney Land 4 years ago advises me that no one would ever be able to recognize and read my signature.

Looking at my printed name directly underneath my signature I thought that this person would have better served the world if their parents had elected to abort them.

After my long day of battling Law Firm Celebrity Groupies and running from Law Firm Paparazzi's, I went to dinner with the Senior Partner (my boss), another Partner, and the Firm's CFO.

Granted, I was the lowest on the totem pole of -let-me-screw-you-out-of-your-money-Law Firm operations, I was still the Law Firm Celebrity and the most popular at the table.

The restaurant was some sort of Italian place that I've never heard of but it was within walking distance of our Hotel. I knew that I would never be able to afford to eat at a place like this as soon as I noticed the waiters weren't wearing bullet proof vests. I wasn't paying for anything, that wasn't the issue, the issue was that I don't think they serve minorities. The minorities do the serving and the cooking in places like this.

I did feel a little out of place when the host requested to see my green card.

Everyone at the table, the two partners & the Chief Financial Officer ordered a seafood entree and an appetizer. The waiter looked at me and I ordered the only thing I recognized on the menu.

A $35 dollar plate of meatloaf and a coke.

I felt everyone at the table roll their eyes at me as they sipped on their wine. Which I would feel comfortable putting money on that the wine didn't come from a box.

My boss then laughs and says, "The only place in town where you can order a $35 plate of meatloaf."

I thought about lunging across the table and poking him in the eyeball with my straw from my coke but I didn't as I knew he had to fly my happy Mexican ass back to Northern California the next morning. And I wanted him to have two good eyes as we flew in his twin propeller Ritchie Valens look alike plane.

I can order whatever the hell I want because I'm a Law Firm Celebrity....

....And Karma's on my side.

The T! Magazine

 
Click An Article To Read It

Updates With Dear TIMMY!

 

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On my last post, I used the term "hero" very loosely. I just want to take a second and recognize the true heroes. The ones that protect & serve on domestic land as well as those that protect & serve on foreign land.

I also wanted to quickly point out a good friend of mine who joined the military right out of high school. He served and completed his 4 years in the U.S. Army and was back at home going to college. Months after Operation Iraqi Freedom was under way, a lot of the men and women were not allowed to rotate home because of the short circulation of military personnel. My friend put his college studies on hold and re-enlisted to join Operation Iraqi Freedom. His hopes were to take the place of someone with a family so they would be able to rotate home. That to me, is a heroic act.

I wear a flag pin with a yellow ribbon behind it everyday to support the troops overseas. I don't know why I didn't do it before, but I'm adding a yellow ribbon to my website as well.

Even though I used the term "hero" loosely, I have a ton of respect for the true heroes.

"We sleep safely in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence upon those who would do us harm."
~ George Orwell

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Next thing I need to do, is send you to this post from the Rad Female TJ. The post is about the Olympics and it gets my vote for post of the year.

I'm going to our LA office next week on Thursday. Flying back on Friday. I contacted Bad Mamma Jamma but was informed that the Santa Monica area, which is where I'll be staying for the night, is sorta far from her. I'm assuming Pisser is in the same boat, but if there is anyone else in the LA area free on Thursday night that is close, let me know. I've been trying to track down a Latin Club to check out, but not really having much luck especially for a Thursday night. As long as I'm not The Grody Guy I'll be good to go.

More than anything though, I'm hoping that my boss doesn't eat a watermelon the night before and drink a pot of coffee the morning of so he doesn't fill a gallon full of piss like he did the last time I flew with him.

Old people are funny.

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It is well documented my displeasure of shopping at Wal-Mart. Yet, I find myself constantly returning to Wal-Mart like a priest at a playground.

I'm drawn to it by some outside force. Like God intended Wal-Mart to be some sort of sanctuary for me.

It's because Wal-Mart is a super store made for minorities and white trash.

Wal-Mart is like Welfare...the rich don't have it but the rest love it.

I HAVE A DREAM! - and that dream is to walk into a store where they sell food, clothes and electronics in one place and all are welcome except the rich honky fuckers.

The other day was a grand opening in San Jose for a new Wal-Mart.

There is only one official way to properly introduce the best Super Minority Store in the Universe for a Grand Opening.

And San Jose did it right by hiring a Mariachi Band!

¡Bienvenido a Wal-Mart! El hogar de la minoría y basura blanca.


I'm so going to have my wedding at Wal-Mart, and if you make less than 7K a year, are on welfare, have dark skin, yellow skin, brown skin, or any sort of skin other than snow white unless you live in a trailer and walk around barefoot, you are invited to my Wal-Mart wedding.

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Update Regarding the Law Firm Clique

Fashion Sunshine has left the firm.

She put in her resignation, and like any other good minority, she only gave a one week notice.

However, without her now, our Law Firm Clique is no longer.

WAY TO GO ON BREAKING UP THE CLIQUE YOKO ONO!!!!!!


Chad The Token White Guy hasn't been around much either. He's been busy line dancing and burning crosses or whatever white people do.

So basically with Yoko Ono leaving the firm, and Chad The Token White Guy busy....that just leaves three of us from the original Law Firm Clique....

TIMMY! - I still Rock.

Black Magnum - I'm trying to get her to start writing a blog about the adventures of dating a guy who can only wear Magnum Condoms.

Julie McCoy - I'm trying to get him a girlfriend.

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{Q}


Dear TIMMY!,

I recently came upon your website and I enjoy your stories, I find them entertaining and funny. I have a dilemma that I wanted to write you about, I know you are a dancer and I wanted your input on something. I'm a dancer as well and have been taking lessons for a year and a half. I really like my teacher's instruction, however, I find myself attracted to him and I think he is attracted to me as well. I'm not sure what to do because I do not want to ruin the good rapport we have now, but i really would like to date him. Should I say anything or just silently long for him?

Signed,
Veronica


[ Whether you're searching for Mr. Toilet Seat Down or Ms. Swallow, or if you just need sound advice, relationship and general bullshit expert Timmy is here. ]


{A}


Dear Still-Living-In-1951-Because-You-Won't-Ask-A-Guy-Out,

If he is attracted to you, then he probably hasn't asked you out because of one of the following reasons:

He is gay

He is currently seeing someone

It is against Company Policy to date students


If he is gay - you're screwed and you might as well just silently long for him. How will you know if he is gay? Well, he can dance, but you believe he is attracted to you so it is a 50/50 chance he is gay. The only true way to find out is to go up to him and offer him a Mac n Cheese dinner with a blow job. If he accepts, he is straight, if he turns it down he is gay as no straight man will turn down a Mac n Cheese dinner with a blow job.

He is currently seeing someone - You can confirm this information by asking the other dance instructors. If this is true, then there is only one option for you...you need to sabotage the relationship. This can easily be done by leaving lipstick on his lapel without him knowing so when he sees the other person, they will immediately question the lipstick. He won't have an answer for it and they will start arguing. They will ultimately break up giving you a free run at his emotional vulnerability being on the rebound.

It is against Company Policy to date students - this is a tough one and will take extra work on your part. You can either see him in secret which will take a lot of work; or, you can take the easier option which is the one I always take and is the advice I'm giving you.

Get him fired.

This can easily be done by transposing his head onto a pornographic photograph utilizing handcuffs, whips and goats. Then placing the photograph into the owner/manager's office without anyone seeing you.

After he is fired, you can contact him and let him know that you are on his side and you don't believe the photographs. Happy that you are on his side, you won't be able to keep him off of you. You'll be doing the horizontal hokie pokie non-stop like Paris Hilton.

If there anything I have learned in my short but kick ass nobody rocks like me life, its that you should never sit still and let life pass you by.

A life lived in fear is a life half lived.

~ TIMMY!