The Little Man-Maid

"Daddy, can I have this please? Yes? Okay?"

I swoop her up and start tickling her and she begins to give a full no holding back belly laugh. Catching her breath she says, "Again-again-again."

"You can get anything in the store baby," I said knowing that we were inside the Dollar Store and there wasn't anything in there that I would say no to - especially when it came to pricing.

I mean seriously, what could Curly Top possibly get at the Dollar Store that would be bad? Besides finding a 7 year old package of cookies, the Dollar Store is a good place to go when you need to find some treasures.

Common Things You Will Find at the Dollar Store

People with no front teeth

People who can't color coordinate their clothing apparel

Cash register operators who need to do a price check

People who can only speak one language, and it isn't English

Fat people with horizontal striped tank tops and black stretch pants

Things that are Not Common at the Dollar Store

White people - unless they are barefoot and/or with mullets

People with no stains on their shirts/blouses

Shoppers with a legitimate job

Children without any silver caps on their front teeth

Polite people who smile at you

Going to the Dollar Store is an adventure all in itself as the characters that shop there are an amazing bunch of creatures...yes, I did say creatures because these are the "special" people God created to remind good looking intelligent people like myself that God could have made me a "Dollar Store Creature".

So, thank you God for not making me a Dollar Store Creature.

I usually don't take Curly Top to the Dollar Store because Dollar Store Creatures always seem to love cute children - I'm guessing because they have only read about beautiful children and have never seen one up close and personal. If they are parents, the more intrigued they are about approaching Curly Top and trying to communicate with beautiful people. These people scare the shit out Curly Top, and to be honest, me too, so I try not to take her to the Dollar Store to often.

So as Curly Top and I are shopping at the Dollar Store, her little eye spots something....off in the corner it sparkles in Curly Top's eyes....she runs over and says, "I get this yes daddy?"

I look at the merchandise that Curly Top so desperately wants and try to convince her that maybe we could get a kite - then I start singing in the store, "Lets Go Fly A Kite."

Curly Top giggles and says, "Silly daddy....Mary Poppins no thank you. I want Ariel!"

"Ummm, I don't think that's a good idea babe, lets get some stickers."

"Dad-dey! Please? I get Ariel yes? Okay" she says shaking her head trying to convince me.

A barbie Ariel - the fun loving redhead mermaid in the Disney animated film, "The Little Mermaid" was being held by my daughter and I was trying desperately to convince her to get something else.

My attempts fell on deaf ears. My attempts fell on a little girl that was so intensely interested in wanting...no, needing - as in life or death needing - that she now was ignoring me and talking to Ariel directly.

"Curly Top....this isn't right. I don't think we want this."

"Ooooooh, I like your lips Ariel" Curly Top says as she continues to ignore me while stroking Ariel's flaming red hair.

I get down to Curly Top's level as I bend down on my knee, I look at Curly Top, and then I look at Ariel and back to Curly Top and say in my most non-discriminating-I-love-all-people-no-matter-what-they-look-like voice, "Are you sure you want this?"

Her big blue eyes slowly meet mine, and as they light up with joy she says, "Yes daddy, I love Ariel."

Horse Shit.

Since we were in the Dollar Store - she was automatically cuter than normal because subconsciously you compare your child to all the ugly children in the Dollar Store. Dammit - well, I can't say no now, especially since I already said she could pick something out.

I'm screwed and have to get this thing.

She loves it - and when I say, "it" I mean "it". She hasn't gone to bed without it since we've purchased this thing....it.

It is constantly with her. I don't know what to call it because the barbie looks like a man...well uhhh, sort of. I don't know what it looks like, I just know that it doesn't look like a princess and it doesn't look like a man...it doesn't look like much of anything other than a toy that my daughter loves.

I shall call it - The Little Man-Maid - and Curly Top loves the Little Man-Maid.



She loved the Little Man-Maid so much I finally broke down and purchased all of the Drag Queen Princesses.




This is what I get for taking Curly Top shopping at the Dollar Store.

Pre-Nuptial Agreement Part II

I, the undersigned, a male accepting a marriage proposal agree that...

Section 1
In the likely event of myself achieving an early orgasm like a cheap Ethiopian Male Whore, I shall apologize profusely and give you oral pleasure for the rest of the night without asking for anything in return due to my incompetent self not being able to please you.

Section 1.01
I will not under any circumstance lie about my pre-mature ejaculation by saying stuff like, "Wow, this is a first" as we both know that I am really only half of a man for failing.

Section 1.02
I will under no circumstance ever watch TV or pay attention to other things in the room while we are Making Love (which I will NEVER refer to as "Screwing") and/or while you are venting on me.

Section 1.02 (a)
If you decide to vent on me, I will including but not limited to: care, understand, be respectful, give you devotion, validate and reassure you and I will not try to "fix" the problem as I understand you just need loving care and support.

Section 1.03
I will always ask for more foreplay and/or ask if you need anymore oral pleasure as my one true goal in life is to please you in every way possible.

Section 2
I fully understand that a man's main role in any relationship is to take the blame and look like the dipshit that we as men truly are. I will be more than happy to step in and accept blame for whatever we screw up in as a couple or as individuals. I will agree with you and nod my head happily if you decide to tell our friends and/or family that I somehow screwed up and/or it was entirely my fault.

Section 2.01
If you are late getting ready or you change your clothes 17 times, I will advise you of how beautiful you are and how lucky I am to have married such a wonderful and beautiful woman. I will never roll my eyes or tell you we are late.

Section 3
I will never go out for a 'guy's night out' as my sole purpose in this relationship is to follow you around like a stray puppy dog trying to get some spoiled meatballs from an Italian restaurant wherever you want and/or need to go unless you need space - if you do need space, I will stay home and clean the house including but not limited to, bathroom, rugs, windows, kitchen, bedrooms.

Section 3.01
I shall never complain when you want to go shopping and I will be more than happy to pay for all the shoes that you want to purchase even if you have said shoes at home.

Section 3.01(a)
I will never mention that you don't need something, as buying whatever your heart desires is the least I can do for blessing me with your presence and actually marring such a pitiful man as myself.

Section 4
After Making Love, I will be more than happy to cuddle you for hours till my arm goes dead. I will never allow you to sleep NOR touch the 'wet spot'.

Section 4.01
I will never, ever bounce your breasts like an African Man playing the conga as I realize that they may be tender and are not my personal love instrument.

Section 5
I promise never to bring up your weight gains and/or stretch marks that you may encounter over the years providing our relationship with the many blessings that only a woman can bring. I will always advise you that I love you each day more and more.

Section 5.02
I promise to shave everyday in order to not scratch and/or harm parts of your body when I am allowed to kiss you.

Section 6
I will never leave you for that younger more beautiful woman even after you bitch slap me, yell at me, spend hours in the bathroom and/or make passes at my friends. I will just nod, smile and tell you that I love you.

Section 6.01
I understand that mechanical objects like cars, plumbing, and electrical is most likely beyond my intelligence in regards to repairing them. I will always call a proper professional repairman to fix said repairs if any should occur.

Section 6.02
I will always assist and even advise you to sit down and watch Operah Winfrey as I, iron, do the laundry, cook, and clean.

Section 7
I will always put the toilet seat down so you will not have to look before you sit.

Section 7.01
I will stop and ask for directions.

Being of sound mind, body and completely in love, I enter this relationship contract.

Pre-Nuptial Agreement Part I

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal agree that...

Section 1
In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for three (3) whole minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

Section 1.01
And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.

Section 1.01(a)
I will under no circumstance ever advise you that I am faking one, nor will I ever under any circumstance ever advise anyone else of said fake orgasm.

Section 1.02
I will never ask for more foreplay.

Section 1.02 (a)
In preparation of foreplay, I will provide you with a beer and wait for you to finish said beer and will patiently wait until you are ready for sexual intercourse.

Section 2
I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to women - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.

Section 3
Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are more hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would be jealous of your genitalia.

Section 3.01
I shall mention often your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom as well

Section 3.02
And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

Section 4
After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

Section 4.01
I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname and I will be ready and willing to go on my knees whenever you feel the need and/or desire.

Section 5
In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

Section 5.01
I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner get them drunk and hide their car keys so they have to stay the night.

Section 5.02
I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.

Section 5.02(a)
I will never mention said beer gut and continue to tell you how handsome you are.

Section 5.03
I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.

Section 5.04
I promise to shave every possible inch of my body. I will never complain and I will always love your weekend beard.

Section 6
If you feel the need to find a younger woman and/or need a new scene change, you can advise me of the split up whenever you feel the need. If said split up should occur, I will never sleep with any of your friends and/or colleagues; or, anyone else you have ever met - ever or may one day meet. If men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men" with your huge Amazon Gorilla Schlong from giving me repeated orgasms.

Section 6
I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything mechanical.

Section 6.01
You are in charge of all mechanical items with the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets in which I will operate and become proficient at.

Section 7.0
I will always be the quite pretty wife you will be proud to show off.

Being of sound mind, body and on my knees, I enter this relationship contract.

Ling-Ling Meets Mexizilla

"Being a ballroom dance instructor, I should tell you that you will be propositioned by 50 and 60 year olds..."

"Fred!" Ginger yelled out.

"Well, he needs to know these things, he's a good looking kid and I'm just telling him the truth."

Thus began my career as a ballroom dance instructor.

The first rule that was given to me was not to sleep with my students no matter how close their boobs came to touching the ground or how old and crusty they may appear - I am not allowed to sleep with my students.

That's a good thing, cause I envision that it would be a very awkward moment to be getting your groove on horizontally, getting sweaty, getting passionate and grinding none stop as you pull the panties off and moths come flying out.

Uhhhh, yeah, that would just be weird.

So thank you to Fred and Ginger for giving me that sound advice. Now obviously Fred and Ginger are fictitious names since I'm working for the Fred Astaire franchise, and for those of you that are and not cultured - Fred Astaire and Ginger Rodgers are legendary dancers.

I've been studying with this attractive Asian lady, hereinafter shall be referred to as, "Ling-Ling" because she owns her own Beauty/Nail Salon and has a very thick accent.

So as Ling-Ling and I are training together we exchange numbers so we could get together sometime to dance. Nice thought at the time, but now she is calling me up to ask if I want to dance with her in 1 hour on a Thursday afternoon - uhhh, sorry Ling-Ling, I don't own a beauty salon that gives blow jobs in the back that I can just shut down and run off to dance with you on a 1 hour notice.

We set up a time for the coming Saturday to dance together at a place that she always dances at. I meet her at her salon so I can follow her to this place because I couldn't understand her when she was describing the directions to me. Besides I only want to dance for like 2 hours and then ditch out so driving two cars seemed like the way to go for me.

I walk up to the salon just as she is locking up and she is wearing a short....SHORT skirt, low cut top and her hair all done.

"We can take one car - yes? yes take one car."

*rolling eyes*

I open the door for her on my passenger side and walk around to the driver side I start feeling like this is some sort of date. We head off and she gives me some instructions on where we are going, and it is one of the worst areas of town. As in, I should have gaffled my dad's bullet proof vest bad.

We park at an Asian shopping center and I don't see any signs "dancing"....nightclubs, or anything. We get out and she leads me on this weird maze through the Asian shopping center and I'm starting to get worried about being raped by this seemingly innocent beauty salon owner. We enter a building that looks like a cafe and I think that maybe we are going to get dinner first....so I start looking at the Asian writing thinking that I will some how understand it if I stare long enough when I hear my name called out...."TCHEY".....that's "TJ" with an Asian accent.

"Tchey! Ovah he-ah"

I look over and she is going through a backdoor that no one else is going through, I follow my little Ling-Ling through the door and down the hallway. I'm starting to wonder if we will end up at some kind of underground Kung-Fu to the death match or something that you read about Americans going to and never coming out of. We come to a door and she pushes it open and there is a very nice dance floor with the music blaring by a DJ. Here we are...I'm not going to be raped by a little Asian woman...

dammit.

She tells me that we are at a Vietnamese Ballroom dance club. I could have figured that out by the mere fact that the tallest person in the place came up to my armpit.

I got a lot of flirtatious looks from the women and a lot of - "WTF" stares from the guys.

I'm sorry - I'm not the one that gave Asian men the stereotype of small cocks with straight pubic hairs so stop staring at me Kung Pao.

Ling-Ling was a freaking dance machine, she wanted to dance every dance and the only break I got was when one of her other little friends (and when I say little, I mean that in a physically short handicap type of way) would ask her to dance. Normally I could dance every single dance, but I didn't want to with her.

I noticed that a lot of the women have fucked up teeth. I mean, worse than the British – and that is saying something. Pretty women until they smile - It's a shock when they smile too because you are looking at someone attractive and then like a cannon blast they smile at you and the ugliness hits you like wasabi and goes straight to your brain and your face gets all distorted.

There were some very good dancers there - one of the differences is that they rotate the opposite direction as American dancers, I also noticed that everyone flowed gracefully, beautiful smooth dancers - but they didn't have a lot of Cuban motion...shaking the hips. I'm Latin so of course, my hips move naturally....

I'm obviously shaking my hips more than the rest on the dance floor and I'm already tall on the dance floor, but there in Asianville I was Mexizilla.

So I was sticking out like....well, I was sticking out like a Tall Mexican in an Asian Ballroom.

Four hours later of only getting about 3 breaks from dancing, people finally begin to leave. Ling-Ling and I head back to my car and off we go. I had originally only planned on dancing for about 2 hours and then ditching out, but here I was 4 hours later and now Ling-Ling wasn't taking me back to her car.....she was taking me on a 10 minute road trip where we pulled in front of some kind of 24 hour Asian restaurant; Asians are serious work aholics...now I know why they do so well in school.

Three other couples met us there - and here I am walking in with Ling-Ling and now I really feel like we are on some kind of a date....things didn't get better while I was sitting there and the women were talking in Vietnamese. They then would ask me a question in English like, "you have gulfiend?" I answer no and then they would start talking in Vietnamese again - look at me - smile, and keep talking obviously talking about the Mexizilla single status that Ling-Ling had brought with her to the dance.

Good thing I was Asian in another lifetime because I loved the food and ate everything up and enjoyed myself overall....I thought about asking the waiter if he had any tortillas because that would go just perfect with the meat I was eating, but I don't speak Vietnamese and didn't want to ask my new friends to translate for me. The waiter pretended to speak English - I knew this because he would look at me whenever I talked to him and he would just smile at me with a blank stare until someone else said something in Vietnamese...he would then shake his head approving.

2 hours I had planned on staying out and I finally made it home 7 hours later and came to the realization that Asian people are weird.

Part II - When the Music Changes, So Does the Dance

"We need quiet time to examine our lives openly and honestly. . . spending quiet time alone gives your mind an opportunity to renew itself and create order."
Susan Taylor

After posting my "It's My Blog, I'll Cry If I Want To" post and I said I was taking a break, I hightailed it out of town. My dad was going up to his property where he is retiring to and building a house, so I tagged along with him to get away, even if it was for just a short while, I needed it.

It was beautiful area, I sat out and just gazed at the mountains and breathed in the fresh air.....it was very peaceful and I needed that. I changed some personal beliefs that I previously held, I changed my thought process, and I decided to move forward and leave all my problems there in those mountains.

Growth means change and change involves risk, stepping from the known to the unknown.

"He who cannot change the very fabric of his thought will never be able to change reality, and will never, therefore, make any progress"
~ Anwar Sadat

Things then immediately began to change for me. The friends we were staying with had company over, who just so happens to be the daughters of a tribal head honcho type of person in the American Indian area we were in. They owned casinos and are heavily involved with a brand new big name Las Vegas Casino that is coming. The daughters loved me and we danced Cha Cha and Salsa for hours. They Loved Me Johnny.....they REALLLLLLLY loved me. Muahahahahahahaha - it's good to have connections with powerful people like this.

After getting back, I was completely refreshed. I still was staying away from the internet including reading any blogs.

The very first voicemail I heard upon my return was from my doctor, the voicemail said that I wasn't going to die because of my blood which was a great relief heh

A few days passed by when I was recruited by Fred Astaire Dance Studio to become a dance instructor. Which if I had been hired by the ambulance company I wouldn't have been able to take the job.

About a week later I had done a complete 180 on my thought process and my attitude. I waited a few days and realized it was time to apologize to my friends who I barked at uncalled for. So I sent each of them an email apologizing and hopefully I didn't cause to much damage to our friendships.

I don't shave every day because shaving sucks ass and I hate it...so I waited a week before I shaved and when I went to grab a razor I had no more. And because I didn't have a car to just run down to the store, I had to wait like another week before I could get some. So now I had a two week old beard, so I kept the goatee. Now I really look like I just crossed the boarder.

Blondie and I talked and all of a sudden it was like we were great friends, talking candidly about our situation and trying to make things the best for Curly Top (which is the way it should be all the time) considering our situation. It also helps that papers were served which means that in a few months I can re-marry again under the Laws of California. So I've already subscribed to Asian Midget Brides so I can select my new wife - I'm planning for the future. I think it also helps that Blondie is "talking" to a guy which takes a lot of pressure off of the situation between us.

I got my job situation under some kind of control, but now my office looks like a sumo wrestling match occurred in there. Ugh - but at least I have a system now that makes things a little better for me at work.

I started car shopping and decided to purchase a vehicle outright so I won't have any car payments - concentrating your money on one thing is better than supporting funny causes. Before buying a car, I bought a new laptop computer. I will now be able to post on a regular basis now....happy? (Ozi - I'll be giving a separate post all about my purchase - muahahahaha)

I decided on a used, but great vehicle in a Buick Regal, GS. Only downside is trying to clean my Mexican grease off of the leather
interior.

Wait TIMMY!....you had an Eclipse that you didn't fit in, total it, and then end up purchasing a Regal GS with leather interior and you got a new laptop?

That's right.

Nobody Rocks Like Me

So I'm thinking that my new plan will be to wreck my car every 3 years right when the accident goes off my record and upgrade my car.

I had a friend email me to let me know that they are looking for a roommate and they think I'm the 2nd Coming of Christ and want me as their roommate. Now that I don't have a car payment, I decide to take the offer.....aaaaaah, I have lived on my own since I was 18 and moving back in with my mom was a horrific thing to do. Especially my mom, she is ..... uhhhh, different. It's to hard to explain and you probably wouldn't understand my mom anyways so forget it.

While I'm having a Brazzle Dazzle Day, I decide that I might as well throw out the rest of my past. I took the leap and threw away my 10+ year old shoes that have disintegrated over the years and bought myself a brand new pair.

Yes, you may pick your jaw up off the ground, I threw away the pair of shoes that I said I would never throw away.

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die in one life before we can enter another."
Anatole France

If being a Ballroom Dance Instructor wasn't gay enough for you, I allowed my cousin to finally talk me into highlighting my hair. I know I know....just when you thought I couldn't look any gayer I go and prove you wrong. Now with my goatee and my blonde highlights I look like a Latin Sugar Ray.

My Life went from bad to worse - to suicidal - to better - to good - to My Life is Better than Yours - again.

So lets recap on my super-charged revamped life:

Blondie and I are on the same page

I got a new job (still work at the law firm)

I got a new computer

I got a new car

I have a new home

I got a new pair of shoes

I have a goatee

I have highlights in my hair

I'm a single Latin Sugar Ray

Whew - I have been one busy little beaner - I know that's an oxymoron but alas it is true.

I'm back and without me - life is just aweso