Pre-Nuptial Agreement Part I
I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal agree that...
Section 1
In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for three (3) whole minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01
And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.01(a)
I will under no circumstance ever advise you that I am faking one, nor will I ever under any circumstance ever advise anyone else of said fake orgasm.
Section 1.02
I will never ask for more foreplay.
Section 1.02 (a)
In preparation of foreplay, I will provide you with a beer and wait for you to finish said beer and will patiently wait until you are ready for sexual intercourse.
Section 2
I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to women - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
Section 3
Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are more hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would be jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01
I shall mention often your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom as well
Section 3.02
And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
Section 4
After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01
I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname and I will be ready and willing to go on my knees whenever you feel the need and/or desire.
Section 5
In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
Section 5.01
I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner get them drunk and hide their car keys so they have to stay the night.
Section 5.02
I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.
Section 5.02(a)
I will never mention said beer gut and continue to tell you how handsome you are.
Section 5.03
I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04
I promise to shave every possible inch of my body. I will never complain and I will always love your weekend beard.
Section 6
If you feel the need to find a younger woman and/or need a new scene change, you can advise me of the split up whenever you feel the need. If said split up should occur, I will never sleep with any of your friends and/or colleagues; or, anyone else you have ever met - ever or may one day meet. If men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men" with your huge Amazon Gorilla Schlong from giving me repeated orgasms.
Section 6
I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything mechanical.
Section 6.01
You are in charge of all mechanical items with the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets in which I will operate and become proficient at.
Section 7.0
I will always be the quite pretty wife you will be proud to show off.
Being of sound mind, body and on my knees, I enter this relationship contract.
Section 1
In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for three (3) whole minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.
Section 1.01
And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like "So THIS is what hot monkey love is all about!" and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin.
Section 1.01(a)
I will under no circumstance ever advise you that I am faking one, nor will I ever under any circumstance ever advise anyone else of said fake orgasm.
Section 1.02
I will never ask for more foreplay.
Section 1.02 (a)
In preparation of foreplay, I will provide you with a beer and wait for you to finish said beer and will patiently wait until you are ready for sexual intercourse.
Section 2
I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team loses, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to women - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn't there.
Section 3
Whenever my friends and I get together for a girl's night out, I will tell them that you are more hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak, and an elephant would be jealous of your genitalia.
Section 3.01
I shall mention often your sexual prowess and longevity in the bedroom as well
Section 3.02
And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.
Section 4
After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as "making love"), I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.
Section 4.01
I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname and I will be ready and willing to go on my knees whenever you feel the need and/or desire.
Section 5
In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.
Section 5.01
I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform you if any of them have the slightest bi-sexual tendencies. Then I'll invite them around for dinner get them drunk and hide their car keys so they have to stay the night.
Section 5.02
I promise to work out at the gym for two hours a day in order to keep my body sexually desirable to you, even though your intake of beer may cause your gut to swell to proportions of a nine-month pregnancy.
Section 5.02(a)
I will never mention said beer gut and continue to tell you how handsome you are.
Section 5.03
I promise never to bring up your hair loss and the fact that a baby's butt and/or honeydew melon is somewhat similar.
Section 5.04
I promise to shave every possible inch of my body. I will never complain and I will always love your weekend beard.
Section 6
If you feel the need to find a younger woman and/or need a new scene change, you can advise me of the split up whenever you feel the need. If said split up should occur, I will never sleep with any of your friends and/or colleagues; or, anyone else you have ever met - ever or may one day meet. If men attempt to talk to me, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men" with your huge Amazon Gorilla Schlong from giving me repeated orgasms.
Section 6
I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of anything mechanical.
Section 6.01
You are in charge of all mechanical items with the exception of the following household items: iron, washing machine and dryer, stove, refrigerator, garbage disposal, garbage can, vacuum cleaner, diapers and toilets in which I will operate and become proficient at.
Section 7.0
I will always be the quite pretty wife you will be proud to show off.
Being of sound mind, body and on my knees, I enter this relationship contract.
<< Home