I'm On Time Because I'm Perfect

 
After a week of absence, I’m back like a fat man at a Chinese all you can eat lunch buffet for $4.95.

Miss me?

No?

“You ain’t gotta lieeee Craig.”

I’m like two old people doing it doggy style…you’re disgusted yet you can’t look away.

Not that I would know what that looks like or that I own a video of “Grannies Gone Wild”.

Cause I don’t.

Speaking of getting screwed over, about a week ago I had a meeting at 7 p.m. on a day I had Curly Top. So I asked C.C. Grandma (the infamous convicted spider killer) to watch her and she happily agreed.

At 6:30 p.m., C.C. turns to Curly Top and says, “lets watch a movie, maybe daddy will go to the store and pick up some popcorn for us.”

HOLD THE MUTHA FUCKIN PHONE

Lets rewind about 14 years when I was 12 years old.

My mom was always late picking me up, and dropping me off at sporting events. One time after practice I waited for over an hour….and no one had shown up to pick me up. I walked home. Later that night, I got yelled at and got in trouble because I was not at the field when my mom finally did decide to show up and she was worried about me.

Me not being there 2 ½ hours later is a lot more worrisome than leaving me at the field with hundreds of sexual predators lurking about apparently.

I was late so much due to my mom to various games that one of my coaches threatened to bench me if I was not on time for team warm ups. Whats a tall Mexican in cleats supposed to do?

I told my mom what time I was supposed to be there and if I was late I was going to be benched…we were late.

Again.

As always.

I might have a California Public education and ate a lot of glue in my day, but I’m smart. See, I told my mom that I needed to be at the game an hour earlier than I was supposed to knowing that she was going to make me late and thus making me right on time.

Worked like a charm. I still got in trouble for lying and making my mom sick to her stomach rushing around trying to get me there on time but I didn’t care. I was on time.

Fast forward 14 years.

“Lets watch a movie, maybe daddy will go to the store and pick up some popcorn for us.”

It takes me 20 minutes to get to where I needed to go that night, and I always leave at 6:30 to assure I’m there on time as bad memories of being late is not something I enjoy reliving.

Yet, here was psycho spider killer attempting to make me late by using my beautiful innocent daughter against me by asking HER if I should go get popcorn.

Irritated I storm out of the house after kissing Curly Top and flipping habitually late C.C. Spider Killer off behind her back. Speeding down the road on my way to the store, I get my game plan.

Popcorn Aisle 7 – Run, Grab, Line, Cash, Out Door.

I’ll be done in 5 minutes.

Nobody Rocks Like Me.

I’m like a horse with blinders on as I speed down to aisle 7 and grab the popcorn. I come around the corner to get in line and I stop suddenly realizing how busy the store was and that I was going to have to wait in line.

DAMMIT!!!!

I quickly scan the other lines and figure my line was the fastest so I stayed put.

A horrible mistake that I would later regret.

Nobody was in the self service line but I’ve already learned my lesson on those crap ass self service checkout bullshit.

“Place Item In Bag”

*Places Item In Bag*

“Place Item In Bag”

“What the hell? The item is in the bag.”

“Place Item In Bag.”

*Takes item out to put back into bag but suddenly bells and sirens go off*

“REPLACE ITEM IN BAG IMMEDIATELY”

Then some acne attacked teenager shows up and starts talking to me like I’m an idiot, “Ssssssir, you need to scan it and then place in bag.”

“I did!”

“The computer says you didn’t sir.”

“But…”

“Look sir, I’ll do this for you because you don’t know what you’re doing, please just go stand over there.”

I know that little prick pulled a Napoleon Dynamite on me, “Ugh! Idiot!”

Well, that was my last experience at the self service checkout. Fuck the computer and teenagers who think they know more than me.

I’m standing in line with my one item as the guy in front of me with his two snotty brats running around in line has about 13 items.

I look helpless and in a hurry trying to get his attention so he can see that I only have one item and will let me go ahead of him. And no, Peeved Michelle, I’m not going to just ask to go in front of him because that is rude, I’m not rude like you.

Maybe I should have asked though because this prick was moving slower than old people fuck. Wow, that is two times in one post I referenced old people having sex….not good. I need to get laid before I become a senior citizen.

The cashier rings him up finally and says, “That’ll be $7.83 cents.”

It is at this time that the old fat funk ass moley bald head prick pulls out his checkbook and starts writing a fucking check. The ghetto Mexican in me was ready to jump out and stump this mutha fucka down right there in front of his two ugly ass kids.

After continuously stopping to write his check to tell his kids to settle down, I was ready to go kick his little boy in the fucking nuts because somebody needs to pay for this outrage.

This injustice.

Besides, his kids were ugly….and I’m not talking ugly awkward stage ugly…I’m talking like God farted in their face while he was creating them ugly.

He rips the check out in slow motion and hands it over to the cashier. The cashier says thank you and runs it through the machine.

The cashier gets on the loud speaker and says, “I need an over-ride on check stand 2, over-ride on check stand 2.”

DEAR GOD NO!!!!!

PUUUUUUULEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!!!!!

This has to be punishment for all of my Christopher Reeves jokes. He’s probably up there right now rolling around laughing at me. Seriously, this is not fair Christopher.

I can’t believe the cashier has to get an over-ride on an $8 check. Excuse me….$7.83.

Just clear the check you dipshit before I ghetto slap the fuck out of you.

Feel me....beeeyatch?

Ghetto slap is when you grab anything that you can pick up and start slapping the shit out of someone.

It took this guy about 9 minutes to get through the checkstand and me about 49 seconds. I would have been out of there sooner, but the fucking cashier decided to give me my receipt and my change all back on top of each other with the coins falling onto the counter. Don’t gift wrap my currency with the receipt and place my damn coins on top you dipshit.

I rushed out of the store while fat slow fuck was still grabbing his two bags of 13 items he paid $7.83 with a check for while attempting to get control of his ugly elephant kids.

Rush home with the popcorn and drop it off and head back to my car after another quick kiss from Curly Top.

I see my mom’s car sitting there and if I had bad gas I would have taken her car and farted all the way to my appointment with the heater blaring so she would have a nice surprise when she started her car as payback for trying to make me late. But alas, I didn’t have any stomach problems for a change.

I left my house at 6:47 p.m. and I sped to my appointment weaving in and out of traffic.

You think I swear a lot now? You should see me in a hurry driving down the freeway like a midget running from the circus.

I was right on time as planned even with the added stress from my night because I’m perfect like that.

I don’t care if the other person is late unless it is a chick I had sex with…then if she’s late then that is a major problem.

Me sitting and waiting 10 minutes is better than me walking in 5 minutes late.

I’m always on time because I’m perfect