I Go Potty Like A Big Girl

 
Looks like Curly Top is dragging a cantaloupe between her legs so I pick her up and head to the changing table to change her diaper. I put her down and take her diaper off while holding my breath.

Just pee.

Whew.

I hate changing poopy diapers. Anyways, I take off her diaper and wipe her up and as I'm unfolding her new diaper I hear a soft draft like noise hitting the changing mat. I look and Fountain Of Pee Part Two is squirting up and back down her legs and all over the changing mat. If you read the original Fountain of Pee story of almost a year ago, you would see how well she was doing potty training back then...but since she has seen less of me, she has taken a step backwards, because as with anything I'm better than everyone including being a parent.

I make a quick intelligent decision to not cup the urine in my hands learning from past experiences.

I watched proudly as Curly pissed all over the changing table smiling as I knew that cupping her urine was a mistake. Learning from my mistakes is something I take pride in. I then quickly learned that letting her finish pissing all over the mat while she laid there was a mistake too. Her little chubby hand found wetness next to her hip and she began slapping the urine as she discovered it sounded like a fat man trying to slap a wart off his ass.

And she enjoyed that sound as she continued to slap the mat with more force each time as urine splashed everywhere.

DAMMIT!!!!!!


A few weeks later I pick Curly Top up from my Ex-Mother-In-Law's and immediately head over to see a little Christmas play that was being held outside. I was holding Curly Top in my arms as we both were enjoying the play when all of a sudden Curly Top without making a noise shivers.

She got the chills.

As I squeeze her tighter trying to keep her warm I immediately feel my shirt being soaked with a warm soothing sterile liquid.

HORSE SHIT!!!

She pissed all over me because her diaper wasn't put on correctly. I had to leave the outside play and take care of this situation now. As I was at my car changing her, I thought about different ways to get my ex-mother-in-law back for sabotaging my evening on purpose by putting her diaper on wrong.


A few days later I was visiting my Mexican Danny DeVito father when I see Curly Top take off running down the hallway. After a few minutes of silence, I go in and check on her. I don't see her though.

"Curly? Where are you?" I called out...but nothing.

Dead silence.

I hear movement in the closet.

I smirk as I know where she is and then I say, "Okay, I'm leaving because I don't know where you are."

Dead silence still.

I'll sneak up on her and scare her. I'm her daddy and I can do these things...hehe. The Mexican in me came out as I creeped up on her like I was about to steal some hubcaps. I crouched down as I prepared to fling the closet door open and yell, Boo.

Bwwwwhahahaha - I love it when a plan comes together.

I FLING THE DOOR OPEN AND YELL...

BOO!

The odor shot out of the closet and hit me like a ton of bricks causing my knees to buckle as I fell over.

It smelt like burnt moldy pizza with ass sauce.

"I go poopoo daddy." The one who smelled like she farted in tupperware and kept it for over a year before exploding it in my face said.

After regaining conscience, I swooped her up and changed her diapers with biochemical gloves and a mask.



THAT IS IT!!!! I'VE HAD IT!!!

Her mom says she'll go on the potty when she's ready, you can't push her in potty training she says.

*cough* BULLSHIT *cough*

Oh, on the contrary less of a parent than I - You're wrong.

Curly Top obviously knows when poop is coming which is why she ran off and hid. Now I just have to get her to connect the two so instead of hiding, she'll go on the potty. She loves M&Ms, so I got one of those M&M men that you put M&Ms in and pull his arm down and M&Ms come out. I let Curly Top watch as I put the M&Ms in and got everything ready while I constantly reminded her that if she goes poopoo on the potty she can get M&Ms.

The first morning I put the M&M man out in plain view so she could see him.

Curly Top - "Give me M&Ms."

TIMMY! - "Excuse me? That is not how you ask."

Curly Top - "I get M&Ms please?"

TIMMY! - "No, when you go potty like a big girl, you get M&Ms."

Curly Top - "Oooooh, you right."

I know I'm right kid it was my idea, and in case you're sitting there thinking how jacked up that was for me to make her ask correctly before telling her no, you're stupid. She still needs her manners thank you very much. I didn't make her ask with "May I......please" because she is only 2 1/2 years old, I want a polite kid, not one that is parroting back just to get her way. If you disagree, you're wrong.

After about an hour of putting the M&M man out I get a frantic Curly Top running up to me.

"Daddy! I go poopoo!"

I get all excited, "Oh Oh, hurry hurry lets go to the potty! Hurry! Hurry!"

Arms frantically waving in the air we run to the little potty. I quickly fumble at her zipper of her nightgown and get it off. I get to her diaper and as I'm frantically getting the straps off I think to myself that I better slow down and take the diaper off slowly just in case so I don't fling poo everywhere.

No poop in the diaper so I finish getting her diaper off and she sits down on the potty. I'm so happy that she's sitting on the potty I sit down next to her so I can enjoy this achievement of her taking a dump in her little potty and all because of my idea.

I so rock.

I have a bunch of books by her little potty so we began to read books while she sat on the potty.

About 5 minutes into sitting there, the enthusiasm on my part was gone. She was pushing every now and then so this is a good thing. We'll wait it out and she'll go and then I'll win, and show everyone how much I rock.

10 minutes later she still says she has to go poopoo pushing every now and then. So we continue reading books as my ass begins to hurt sitting on the ground because I wasn't expecting her to be this long on the potty.

15 minutes of reading Dora the Explorer trying to figure out some stupid retarded rhyme with her pet monkey, Boots, was really getting on my nerves as my intelligent child continued to say she still has to go potty pushing every now and then. Doubt began to creep in my mind that my fantasy of seeing little turds today wasn't going to happen.

20+ minutes later I have given up hope and my ass is completely numb. I have no desire to read anything more about Rainbow Fish wanting to hang out with his friends. I do not care whether he zigs, or zags, or swish or swims because in my honest opinion I believe this little rainbow fish has some serious identity issues he needs to work out. I mean, he's a "rainbow" fish and he's hanging out with the opposite sex.

Just before I was about to find out whether or not Sammy the Sea Lion escaped from the evil grasps of Nick the Shark , Curly Top perks up and says, "I go poopoo daddy! I get M&Ms!"

"YAY!!!!" We both yell all excited. I was so excited I was ready to call everyone I know including her mother to rub it in her face of how right I always am.

She begins to stand up as her little butt cheeks peel off the plastic potty and as she turns her red ring butt around we both look into the potty. Excitement consumes me as I imagine looking at magnificent brown polished tiny turds in this tiny little potty after sitting for 20+ minutes.

Yes, I was very excited to see poop.

Achievement and glory is something special to feel...and I was feeling it until my eyes focused in on the poop.

I'm lucky to have 20/20 vision because I needed all of it to see this tiny hamster dump she took. It looked like a piece of crumb from a chocolate cake, so I look closer and it is a tiny weeny itsy bitsy poop. She took a baby midget size crap.

She must be on some kind of Valium because this turd was bullshit. I can't believe I sat for 20+ minutes for her to take a tiny dump like this.

I look at her like she's crazy and say, "Are you kidding me? You want M&Ms for this tiny thing?"

She turned on her charms and said, "Daddy...I get M&Ms, I go poopoo."

My numb ass and I wasn't too happy so I said, "Are you serious?"

Curly Top now gets annoyed with me and says, "I go potty like a big girl daddy!"

I started chuckling at her determination to go potty for M&Ms and I said, "You're right, you get M&Ms!"

I get her dressed and she pulls the arm down of the M&M man and off to watch Mary Poppins she goes munching on her hard earned M&Ms.


Now it is clean up time.

I pull the little plate out from underneath and look at the hamster poop she took. I tilt it over into the toilet but it doesn't come out. I softly tap the back of it and still nothing happens. I didn't want to fling it out because what if I missed the toilet and the little turd flew across the room and hit the wall and then I wouldn't be able to find it because it was so tiny. I thought about using some toilet paper to clean it out but I didn't want it to smear all over in the inside and have the toilet paper tear getting the poop underneath my fingersnails. I didn't want this to turn into a big ordeal of cleaning up.

This little turd was becoming a problem.

As I hear Mary Poppins singing Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious in the background, I devise a plan to get rid of this thing once and for all.

I turn the hot water on.

I don't know why but I find my self being a genius of coming up with the idea of melting this little turd into liquid and then flushing it down the toilet.

After getting the water as hot as it could get,, I stick the little pan under the steaming water and to my delight it worked. It didn't melt it like I envisioned it would but nonetheless it worked.

I am happy to announce that she hasn't gone poop in her pants for the past couple of weeks.

And yes, I take full credit.