Thanks For Laughing

 
You need to vote for Nongirlfriend aka, Ms. Chicken as the biggest blog whore people....I'm happy to announce that I knew she was a blog whore BEFORE she was officially nominated for a finalist in this voting thing-a-ma-jig. Which I've never seen, but this is the internet so you know it is the real deal.

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At the end of every year, I usually give a sappy thanks to my readers for being loyal and enjoying my unusual humor. I write whether you read or not. I love reading your comments but I was contemplating removing the comments because I write for fun...not for comments. Peeved Michelle convinced me that it is a good thing because it is a way for the people who read the stories about my life as a way to connect with me. I don't mind connecting with anyone as long as they are not ugly. This includes you.

Anyways she convinced me, so if you like leaving comments, thank you and say thanks to Peeved Michelle by visiting her site.

So thank you to everyone for reading my stories and giving me the opportunity to make you laugh even for a little bit. I've been writing stories about my life for over 5 years, and this is the 4th year that I've gone public (minus the 1 1/2 year I took off). Over that course, I have been asked numerous questions on numerous situations, personal things, anything and everything. I have always given a generic response or an exaggerated one. Or I have made fun of them publicly.

If you are interested, this year as a special thank you for allowing me to bring some laughter to you, I am giving you the opportunity to ask me questions on any subject and I will give a straight honest answer. This will give you a chance to get to know me better too...ahem, I don't know why, but people are interested in that shit.

I will post the best questions, and my answers to them.

I only have one rule...and yes, I have a rule because this is still my fucking website.

You can only ask two questions

You can ask unanimously but you are still only allowed two questions. There are ways for me to track IP addresses, but lets be honest, I'm to much of a lazy Mexican to do that so this has to be on the honor system, I don't want to be flooded with the same person asking questions.

You can either leave a comment with the questions, or email me: timmy@fountainofpee.com

If I choose one of your questions, I will post your name with the link to your website (if you have one). If you're asking by email, make sure to put your link down in the email. If you want to ask unanimously, either don't fill in the information in the comments, or sign your email anonymous.

Depending on the number of questions I get, I will either choose 5 or 10 questions to answer honestly.

It will probably be another 5 years before I open Pandora's box, so choose your questions wisely.

The Story of Cupid's Corner

 
The Players!

TIMMY! (the ridiculously-good looking-sex deprived-tall Mexican-in flip flops-with no lips)

Ritchie Valens (friend who thinks he is a pimp)

Hot Chick (a mutual friend through Ritchie Valens working at Cupid's Corner)


Background Info!

Cupid's Corner is a sex shop I visited to purchase an item. To purchase the particular item I wanted, I had to go into the "backroom" that was covered with a curtain. Only creepy people go to back room, unless your name is Bad Mamma Jamma who has a frequent buyer card.

The Story!

- TIMMY! flashes Clark Gable smile
- TIMMY! walks into Cupid's Corner
- TIMMY!'s smile disappears as he enters Cupid's Corner
- TIMMY! looks down as to not make eye contact with anyone
- TIMMY! goes to backroom
- TIMMY! feels dirty
- TIMMY! still looks down as to not make eye contact with anyone in the backroom
- TIMMY! covers face as he looks for particular item
- TIMMY! shocked of toys he sees
- TIMMY! slobbers by seeing naked chicks on covers of toys
- TIMMY! gets creeped out by double anal toys
- TIMMY! thinks he hears lube being squirted
- TIMMY! feeling uncomfortable
- TIMMY! can't find item he needs
- TIMMY! goes to clerk to ask for help
- TIMMY! looking down
- TIMMY! says, "ummm, I need....ummmm...something...and ummmm, can't ...ummmm, can't find it."
- Hot Chick standing behind counter says, "Hey TIMMY!"
- TIMMY! looks
- TIMMY! knows her and she knows him
- TIMMY! now embarrassed for being recognized in the "backroom"
- TIMMY! forces a smile and says, "oooh, ummm, hi."
- Hot Chick smiles
- Hot Chick asks what she can do for TIMMY!
- TIMMY! says he needs this item
- Hot Chick tells him they are over there
- Hot Chick points to other wall
- TIMMY! says thank you
- TIMMY! puts head down and walks to other wall
- TIMMY! hears couple talking about strapping a Zucchini to a strap on (ahem Bad Mamma Jamma)
- TIMMY! covers face while looking for item
- TIMMY! finds item he needs
- TIMMY! walks back to Hot Chick to purchase item
- Hot Chick talks to TIMMY! about New Years
- TIMMY! thinks it is weird to talk about New Years when surrounded by items you can shove in every orifice
- Hot Chick slides visa through machine
- Awkward silent moment
- Machine starts to produce receipt then stops
- More awkward silence
- TIMMY! begins to form sweat beads on forehead
- Hot Chick still talking like there is not a 17 inch ribbed dildo for her pleasure with 5 different speeds under the glass counter
- Hot Chick hands receipt to TIMMY! for signature
- TIMMY! signs
- TIMMY! grabs item he purchased
- TIMMY! says it was nice seeing you
- Hot Chick says have a great New Years
- TIMMY! walks fast
- TIMMY! sees white short bald man with glasses staring at video of 2 black men having a 3some with a little Asian chick titled, "Afrolicious"
- TIMMY! walks faster

Very Next Day

- TIMMY! typing vigorously at keyboard
- Instant Message pops up
- Ritchie Valens says, "Heard you went shopping"
- TIMMY! remembers white short bald man with glasses
- TIMMY! gets creeped out all over again
- Ritchie Valens laughs
- TIMMY! doesn't laugh
- TIMMY! ready to kick someone's ass

So That's The Story

Don't Kiss Me You Drunk Skank

 
Every year I go out...doesn't matter with who, where, as soon as:

3, 2, 1 HAPPY NEW YEARS.....

I have some strange drunk skank trying to get her mack on with me.

Look wench, I don't want your foul smellin, stale smoke slobber all over me.

BACK THE FUCK OFF

I don't like you.

Julie McCoy (from the Law Firm Clique) has already set New Years out on the town up and wants me there. New Years is a lot of fun to begin the New Year with someone you care about, but if you're surrounded by drunk skanks that want to kiss you and are willing to bear your children, then I'd like to use my "Get Out Of Jail" card. I'd use my Get Out Of Jail card because that situation is prison, there is no escaping these psychotic, I'm a free spirited hopeful for a wonderful year so I want to kiss you for good luck drunk skanks.

Do you people not realize I don't have any lips? They are not worth the effort to be kissed!

But you see, it doesn't matter because I could be Jimmy the handicap janitor working at McDonald's scaring kids while moppin up my own drool, and I would still try to be kissed at the beginning of the New Year.

These women place their entire hopes and dreams on the following year because the past year sucked so bad.

This is a new beginning, I want to find love and I need to kiss the Tall Mexican in flips flops who doesn't have any lips. They think, I will bring them wonderful luck this year with a simple kiss....it is a new beginning!

A new start.

I draw these drunk skanks like the plague of biblical magnitude. Women, who I don't know, have actually snucked in and kissed me....then they cover their mouth and giggle as if to say, "hehe, I can get away with kissing you because I'm cute." No bitch, you're an ugly drunk skank. The reason why you have had a suck ass year is because you look like a dried up crusty vagina who has slept with more guys than a 2 cent hooker.

But TIMMY!, I kiss guys on New Years and I'm not a skank. You just don't understand, its a fun part and a kiss just brings good luck, doesn't mean I'm a skank!

Let us analyze this situation.

If you kiss guys on New Years, then the chances of me having to use more than one hand to count the number of people you have slept with go up about 163%. This is a true statistic I just made up to prove my point that yes indeed, you are a skank. A drunk one at that.

Married women are excluded from this analysis as you won't be out kissing anyone, you will be on your knees giving your husband oral pleasure while he watches The Dick Clark, Rock n Roll New Years Special. The only time you should stop your hoovering, is when your husband asks how it is possible in this day and age that Dick Clark can live to be a 189 years old. Don't take your mouth off though, just shrug your shoulders....the only time you should take your mouth off is when it is time for you to go and fetch another beer for him.

This year I have a new goal for New Years....I will find a drunk skank who can shoot a ping pong ball out and knock a dude out cold from across the room spread eagle....when the New Year begins and you hear me screaming out, "KEGEL ME YOU DRUNK SKANK!"

You'll know I have succeeded.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas (holiday) and a wonderful New Years.

Happy Holidays From the Staff of TIMMY!

 

Thank you to everyone's comments...I read ALL of them!


Some Future Posts beginning in January 2005 (titles subject to change)

I'm Always On Time Because I'm Perfect

When A Mexican Visits Cow Town

I Don't Want To Look At That While I Piss

Six Days Before Christmas

Co-Workers Should Stay Away From Alcohol

I Go Potty Like A Big Girl

My Future Wife Will Cook My Steak While She Eats My Meat


So until next Year...we wish you Happy Holidays!

See another reason why Curly Top is better than your kid:

Celebrity Baby's Names Are Shitty

Do celebrities get injected with dipshit drugs when they get knocked up? To come up with some of these names, you have to be a complete idiot and have no love at all for your new born. Granted, most newborns are ugly with their cone heads and blue looking skin. See picture below for an accurate portrayal of a newborn:



For those of you who have never had or seen a newborn - the above picture is a perfect example of what your ugly ass kid will look like right out of the vagina. I'm a father, and I'm telling you this is true. However, just because your kid is uglier than something you barfed up due to morning sickness, does not give you the right to name your kid something stupid and ugly. Your kid is ugly, deal with it, don't take it out on the little innocent ugli.

Lets look at names of celebrities - I originally planned on going A - Z but got so disgusted with the names I decided to skip letters.

Apple - Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin
Apple Martin, now there's a cool name I would want. I would even change my last name to Martini...cause that would be so rad and I would never get my ass kicked in school with a name matching my lunch.

Atticus - Isabella Hoffman and Daniel Baldwin
Apparently Isabella & Daniel conceived in the attic.

Banjo - Patrick and Rachel Griffiths
Doot doo der dar do .... Banjo??? I just puked in my mouth.

Cosima - Nigella Lawson
Coma induced labor.

Daisy Boo - Jamie Oliver
The middle name makes me want to take a dump.

Dixie Dot and Bibi Belle - Anna Ryder Richardson
What the...

Elijah Bob Patricus Guggi Q - Bono
Are you serious? I just pissed my pants from the absurdity.

Ocean, True and Sonnet - Forest Whitaker
So hippie it makes me want to fart.

Pilot Inspektor - Jason Lee
If my name was Pilot Inspektor, I'd have to kick my own ass.

Phinnaeus Walter and Hazel Patricia - Julia Roberts
I know! Lets go with something that sounds like Penis so he will always know what it is like to get his ass kicked. By golly, lets fuck his life up!

Racer, Rebel, Rocket - Robert Rodriguez
They could have gone with something really cool like: Paper, Rock, Scissors, but no, they had to be different.

Rocco - Madonna
Your son doesn't deserve a professional wrestling stage name as he will end up a drug addict getting gum jobs from a hooker known as "The Teacher"

Satchel - Woody Allen
It is impossible for Woody Allen to produce an athlete with his pussy ass genes, so bringing back a name from baseball history is just plain pathetic.

Taj - Steven Tyler
Taj comes with a birth marked red dot on his forehead (Taj Mahal)

Tallulah - Demi Moore and Bruce Willis
Tallulah, Tennessee

Willow - Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith
Yes, lets name our kid after a midget in a movie.

Zola - Eddie Murphy
You don't live in Africa you dipshit.


If you want your kid to come home every day with a black eye, their super man underroos pulled over their head and hungry from having their lunch stolen from them, then take one of the names above and show your kid how much you hate them.

If you want your kid to be the one kicking the asses of little Pilot or Bibi Belle, then name your kid TIMMY! or TIMMALITA!. You won't ever have to worry about sending them to school with lunch because Banjo and Rocket will be more than willing to get their asses kicked and hand over their lunch to little TIMMY! or TIMMALITA!.