Benefit Show

If you are in the Bay Area, then you may want to attend a benefit show raising money to help the toothless wonder, Mad Maxine, the vicious Derby Girl who got her teeth knocked out.

It will be this Sunday, (July 24th) at the Golden Bull in Oakland.

Doors Open at 6:00, show will be at 7:00
$5 - $20 Sliding scale admission
@ The Golden Bull - 412 14th Street @ Broadway Downtown Oakland
HERE'S THE LINE-UP, IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE -

COMPTON SF
THE GOLDEN GODS
THE NIGHTCRAWLERS
And
THE CLIFTONS

Mad Maxine herself will be doing a raffle in-between The Nightcrawlers and The Cliftons performance.

From the mouth of Derby Girl herself, "I'VE GOT A BUNCH OF FUCKIN RAD SHIT TO RAFFLE OFF! I'M SUPER EXCITED!!! SO COME ON OUT AND HAVE A HELL OF A TIME!"

Click Here For the Official Flyer


I'm still a ways off from meeting my goal in helping her; so, I am offering up my email server to you. You can purchase a lifetime email at fountain of pee which would include:

YourName@fountainofpee.com
2 GB of Storage
Virus Protection.
Spam Protection
No Advertising on outgoing email
You can also use your favorite email program (such as Outlook® or Eudora®) to access your mail.


All you need is a Yahoo! ID and donate $20 to the Mad Maxine Fund. Use paypal, and make sure to leave in the comment section what name you want for your email. Those of you who donated over $5 will receive a discount (email me for further info).

Whenever someone asks me what my email is and I give the email of fountain of pee, it always brings a few laughs, or I get a really weird puzzled look.

How To Make A Sandwich Like A Man

I'm sick and tired of people making pussy sandwiches.....errr, wait, pussy sandwiches? That actually sounds enticing ..... hmmmm, let me think about that for a moment....












Pussy Sandwiches....good times, good times


I'm sick and tired of people making pansy sandwiches. I want meat, cheese and chips. That's it!

I DON'T FUCKING NEED ALL THAT GREEN HEALTHY BULLSHIT

And we definitely don't want to have tomatoes on our sandwiches as we have learned in the past that tomatoes are for the bedroom, not for sandwiches.

I'm going to show you how to make a sandwich like a man.

A Manwich.

Women, take notes as you will need these sure fire tips on making a proper sandwich like a man. Make him a sandwich he'd be proud of by keeping that smile on his face even when you're not on your knees.

What you need:

Meat - what every true man (hunter) needs. You need meat, lots of it and with a variety of it.

Cheese - You'd have a pussy sandwich if............................good times, good times. You'd have a pansy sandwich if you didn't have a lot of and a variety of cheese.

Chips - Every perfect sandwich needs chips on the sandwich - this is common knowledge and if you didn't know this, your retarded. If you didn't get the joke in that last sentence, you really are retarded.

Mustard - MUSTARD, none of the pussy whipped Dijon Mustard or other crap that is watered down, you need mustard - good hard clean original yellow mutha-fuckin mustard.

Mayonnaise - Just a little bit, unless you are trying to keep your mullet properly greased.

Tabasco - We are making a sandwich like a man and you need Tabasco or something hotter if available like "Dave's Insanity Sauce" on your sandwich. If you don't put Tabasco on your sandwich, you might as well cut a whole in your jeans around your ass and stop wearing underwear. Eat pussy, don't be a pussy - put Tabasco on your sandwich.

Wheat Bread - Wheat reminds me of my brown skin.

If you don't have these ingredients, then you will need to find a deli where you can make your own sandwich. Luckily for me, there is a place right across the street from where I work that allows you to make your own sandwiches. Perfect - it is at this location that I will be giving instructions on how to make a sandwich like a man.



Deli's are usually broken down very conviently for those of you who are just learning how to make a sandwich like man. As you can see, all the ingredients you need to make your perfect sandwich are located in one section - while all the crap ass healthy bullshit is in another section.




First, slap on the mustard and then a little bit of mayonnaise. A little bit of Tabasco gets put on, not a lot as you don't want to make your Mexican-Skin-Lookin Wheat Bread Soggy.




Then start piling on various types of meat, not just all one kind of course, but mix it up. And keep putting Tabasco sauce on between the different layers of meat. On the other slice of bread, we start layering our various cheeses. Our goal at this point is to get the sandwich to weigh anywhere between 1 to 1 1/2 pounds. Anything over 1 1/2 pounds would just be ridiculous. Mix & match your cheeses & your meats (with splashes of Tabasco sauce) until you have reached your goal.




Weigh it to make sure it falls into the proper man guidelines.




We can't have a sandwich made for a man without a beer. I go to my desk and open my drawer up to find my nice little stash of liquor, beer is on top and the hard stuff is underneath.




The last piece of the perfect sandwich before we chow down - is to place your chips on the sandwich. Placing chips on the sandwich comes last as to keep your chips fresh and crunchy.




With our beer, we have now just completed making the perfect sandwich. A perfect sandwich made by a man, for a man.





This my gentle readers, is how it is done. To see the various layers, here is a picture of the half way mark through the sandwich:




When you are completely finished eating the perfect sandwich made for a man:




and if you look like this:




Then you have properly made a sandwich like a man

Happy Birthday My Little Curly Top

1001 Reasons Why I Won't Date You

I won't date you if...

1) If you are a child molester
2) If you are a psycho stalker
3) if your toes are hanging over open toe shoes
4) Funk ass smells
a - B.O. whether it is a medical condition or if you are just Middle Easterner, sorry - won't date you
b - Funk ass smells - bad sweat smell or just a weird natural smell

5) Weird looking feet and/or toes
6) Weird looking hands and/or fingers
7) If you have fucked up teeth
8) If you have a birthmark that resembles the state of Florida
9) If you are a Floridian
10) Bad table manners
a - how you hold your silverware
b - how you chew your food
c - how you use your napkin
d - If your elbows are on the table
e - If you talk with your mouth full

11) If you are a material girl in a material world
12) If you are to young
13) You say anything if I dress like a homeless person
14) you say anything if I wear a Hawaiian shirt with flip-flips in the middle of winter
15) You say anything if I don't shave for 3 days straight
16) You say anything period
17) If you dance like a stripper but you are dancing off beat
18) Deception - you believe there is a difference between a white lie and a big lie
19) You ask me a question and you already know the answer you want to hear (93% of all woman can't pass this)
20) You make things more complicated than they need to be (the other 7% of woman can't pass this one)
21) Your vagina looks like a grilled cheese sandwich
22) Your nipples are pointy enough to cut glass
23) Your nipples are flat enough to look like a silver dollar
24) You have, or ever had a crush on Tom Cruise
25) You have man hands
26) You like to wear 3 sizes smaller than what you should be wearing
27) You ever do or attempt to throw anything away of mine that is, including but not limited to, disintegrating shoes, shirts, pants, or hats.
28) You keep repeating the word "whatever"
29) You think prequels are wonderful
30) You are against blow jobs
31) You are a fan of condoms
32) You have a problem with pre-mature ejaculation
33) If you get upset if I try and fix your problem
34) You will have sex with someone on the first date (exception being me)
35) You make me late on more than 3 occasions
36) You have a problem with me banging on your boobies like Cuban Congas
37) You have a problem with me saying boobies
38) You are to stupid to sit down on the toilet without checking to see if the seat is up or down first
39) You can't sit more than 7 minutes without opening your mouth
40) You annoy me
41) You feed wild ducks
42) You don't like black balls (Pearl Tea)
43) You knock on the door while I'm taking a dump
44) You report me to the authorities for kicking your cat and/or small dog
45) You get upset with the word cunt in any context but can look the other way of all the other women derogatory words
46) You are a guy
47) You giggle like an annoying 13 year old girl
48) You are selfish and try to rationalize your selfishness like a moron
49) You have one eyebrow
50 - 1001) If you are a typical woman