My Life Is STILL Better Than Yours

Status update. I’m going to die.

{thick Mexican accent} jussssssss keeeeding

No seriously, I’m going to die.

Someday that is.

I have high iron in my blood – I’m not going to die because of it. Thank you to everyone who left their concerns and fuck all of you from the bottom of my heart who visited and didn’t mention it to me and/or leave a comment. I will figure out who you are by your IP address and I will personally pay a gypsy to put a curse on you. Anyways, I have high iron in my blood. What does that mean? “Dammit Jim I’m not a doctor.” Oh wait, that isn’t how the quote goes. Eh.

Two things I have discovered since I learned I was Mr. Ironman.

The Pill and condoms cannot stop my ironman seamen. Look out ladies.

I can’t get a reception with my satellite Sirrus radio unless I leave the room

I haven’t figured out what kind of super ironman powers I have yet, but let me be the first to tell you that I will be trying out a lot of things to see if they work. As in, closing my eyes really hard to make myself go invisible and going into the women’s bathroom, trying to breath under water, trying to crash through concrete walls with my shoulder. I don’t know what I can do yet, but I’ll find out and I’ll be blogging about it. Stay tuned to this ironman channel for more ironman exploits.

Now, you might be sitting there reading this wondering why I haven’t changed the title of my blog to something that is more descriptive of my current situation. Like, “My Life Sucks Beaner Ass.”

I have a wrecked car, to much iron in my blood, I had a co-worker take a sudden nose dive in his health and lose his battle with cancer this month, and other issues that will make you think I’m a pathetic loser. All these things happened THIS month in January.

You are probably wondering why I don’t drain some of my ironman blood out, freeze it into a bullet and shoot myself with my own blood committing suicide because you think my life sucks so bad.

Well, even though it may seem like my life is falling apart and my entire world is collapsing, My Life Is STILL Better Than Yours.

How is that possible TIMMY!? Your life sucks more than Paris Hilton.

Okay Firrrrrrrrst of all….

Paris Hilton can’t suck shit. I’ve seen the video okay, not only is she a skinny crack bitch that carries around her fucking ugly dog everywhere like a clothing accessory, she can’t give a good blow job. I actually felt sorry for the chump getting the hummer in the video.

Lets tear this question apart like a juicy tomato. Besides the obvious that Nobody Rocks Like Me, my life is better than yours because I have a passion to live. My glass is always half full….well, unless it is half filled with alcohol and then it is half empty and then I need a refill. Refill pronto, “Here Bar Wench!”

I LOVE THIS LIFE!

Period mother fucker. Period.

It is the sole reason why my life will always be better than yours. I could have died in that car accident or I could die from iron poisoning or whatever…and my life will still be better than yours.

Because I love life more than you.

I just wish I knew how I was going to die so I could blog about it and bring laughs to people one last time.

Back to point….because I love life, the entire world could crash on me and I would still find humor in it and love life.

No matter what happens to me and no matter what The Man takes from me, my life will always be better than yours.

Because I Love To Live Life.

I have no ride. So I am basically stuck on other people’s schedule and completely dependant on them. Which sucks, but it gives them the opportunity to spend time with me which is like spending time with Jesus Christ.

He’s JC, I’m TJ….do you see the privilege I give to those less fortunate of not being me?

Why do I do that? Cause I’m a great guy.

The other night I went to Karaoke, and you know the same ‘ol same ‘ol from everyone that goes, “I MIGHT sing if I get really drunk”…and blah blah blah. That is why your life sucks and mine is better than yours. You don’t know how to live life. You don’t know how to enjoy life, when the opportunity is there you cease it and LIVE life.

Because it isn’t wise to drink for me right now, I am completely sober when these pictures were taken.

Reason #2,476 why My Life Is Better Than Yours.

I know how to live.

This is the BEST Year of My Life!

 

I guess having diarrhea, wrecking my car beyond repair and everything else isn't enough.

More shit please.

I got a call in the middle of the night telling me that Curly Top has an extremely high fever. This afternoon she's throwing up.

More shit please.

This morning I was supposed to give blood. Well, I can't. Why? Because my iron level is way to high. Which may be a sign for a disease called hemochromatosis. I've always donated blood which may have actually kept the sign from showing up sooner.

Iron plays a crucial role in the body: It's a component of hemoglobin, which is responsible for helping red blood cells transport oxygen to tissues. However, it's possible to have too much iron, which results in hemochromatosis. The most common form of the disease is genetically inherited and affects as many as one in every nine people.

Because this condition can affect the liver and pancreas, and until I can get to a doctor, it would be wise to limit or avoid consumption of alcohol.

I could have a disease or it could be that I've been popping to many Flintstone vitamins.

THIS IS THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE!!!

More shit please.

I'm On Time Because I'm Perfect

 
After a week of absence, I’m back like a fat man at a Chinese all you can eat lunch buffet for $4.95.

Miss me?

No?

“You ain’t gotta lieeee Craig.”

I’m like two old people doing it doggy style…you’re disgusted yet you can’t look away.

Not that I would know what that looks like or that I own a video of “Grannies Gone Wild”.

Cause I don’t.

Speaking of getting screwed over, about a week ago I had a meeting at 7 p.m. on a day I had Curly Top. So I asked C.C. Grandma (the infamous convicted spider killer) to watch her and she happily agreed.

At 6:30 p.m., C.C. turns to Curly Top and says, “lets watch a movie, maybe daddy will go to the store and pick up some popcorn for us.”

HOLD THE MUTHA FUCKIN PHONE

Lets rewind about 14 years when I was 12 years old.

My mom was always late picking me up, and dropping me off at sporting events. One time after practice I waited for over an hour….and no one had shown up to pick me up. I walked home. Later that night, I got yelled at and got in trouble because I was not at the field when my mom finally did decide to show up and she was worried about me.

Me not being there 2 ½ hours later is a lot more worrisome than leaving me at the field with hundreds of sexual predators lurking about apparently.

I was late so much due to my mom to various games that one of my coaches threatened to bench me if I was not on time for team warm ups. Whats a tall Mexican in cleats supposed to do?

I told my mom what time I was supposed to be there and if I was late I was going to be benched…we were late.

Again.

As always.

I might have a California Public education and ate a lot of glue in my day, but I’m smart. See, I told my mom that I needed to be at the game an hour earlier than I was supposed to knowing that she was going to make me late and thus making me right on time.

Worked like a charm. I still got in trouble for lying and making my mom sick to her stomach rushing around trying to get me there on time but I didn’t care. I was on time.

Fast forward 14 years.

“Lets watch a movie, maybe daddy will go to the store and pick up some popcorn for us.”

It takes me 20 minutes to get to where I needed to go that night, and I always leave at 6:30 to assure I’m there on time as bad memories of being late is not something I enjoy reliving.

Yet, here was psycho spider killer attempting to make me late by using my beautiful innocent daughter against me by asking HER if I should go get popcorn.

Irritated I storm out of the house after kissing Curly Top and flipping habitually late C.C. Spider Killer off behind her back. Speeding down the road on my way to the store, I get my game plan.

Popcorn Aisle 7 – Run, Grab, Line, Cash, Out Door.

I’ll be done in 5 minutes.

Nobody Rocks Like Me.

I’m like a horse with blinders on as I speed down to aisle 7 and grab the popcorn. I come around the corner to get in line and I stop suddenly realizing how busy the store was and that I was going to have to wait in line.

DAMMIT!!!!

I quickly scan the other lines and figure my line was the fastest so I stayed put.

A horrible mistake that I would later regret.

Nobody was in the self service line but I’ve already learned my lesson on those crap ass self service checkout bullshit.

“Place Item In Bag”

*Places Item In Bag*

“Place Item In Bag”

“What the hell? The item is in the bag.”

“Place Item In Bag.”

*Takes item out to put back into bag but suddenly bells and sirens go off*

“REPLACE ITEM IN BAG IMMEDIATELY”

Then some acne attacked teenager shows up and starts talking to me like I’m an idiot, “Ssssssir, you need to scan it and then place in bag.”

“I did!”

“The computer says you didn’t sir.”

“But…”

“Look sir, I’ll do this for you because you don’t know what you’re doing, please just go stand over there.”

I know that little prick pulled a Napoleon Dynamite on me, “Ugh! Idiot!”

Well, that was my last experience at the self service checkout. Fuck the computer and teenagers who think they know more than me.

I’m standing in line with my one item as the guy in front of me with his two snotty brats running around in line has about 13 items.

I look helpless and in a hurry trying to get his attention so he can see that I only have one item and will let me go ahead of him. And no, Peeved Michelle, I’m not going to just ask to go in front of him because that is rude, I’m not rude like you.

Maybe I should have asked though because this prick was moving slower than old people fuck. Wow, that is two times in one post I referenced old people having sex….not good. I need to get laid before I become a senior citizen.

The cashier rings him up finally and says, “That’ll be $7.83 cents.”

It is at this time that the old fat funk ass moley bald head prick pulls out his checkbook and starts writing a fucking check. The ghetto Mexican in me was ready to jump out and stump this mutha fucka down right there in front of his two ugly ass kids.

After continuously stopping to write his check to tell his kids to settle down, I was ready to go kick his little boy in the fucking nuts because somebody needs to pay for this outrage.

This injustice.

Besides, his kids were ugly….and I’m not talking ugly awkward stage ugly…I’m talking like God farted in their face while he was creating them ugly.

He rips the check out in slow motion and hands it over to the cashier. The cashier says thank you and runs it through the machine.

The cashier gets on the loud speaker and says, “I need an over-ride on check stand 2, over-ride on check stand 2.”

DEAR GOD NO!!!!!

PUUUUUUULEASE FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY!!!!!

This has to be punishment for all of my Christopher Reeves jokes. He’s probably up there right now rolling around laughing at me. Seriously, this is not fair Christopher.

I can’t believe the cashier has to get an over-ride on an $8 check. Excuse me….$7.83.

Just clear the check you dipshit before I ghetto slap the fuck out of you.

Feel me....beeeyatch?

Ghetto slap is when you grab anything that you can pick up and start slapping the shit out of someone.

It took this guy about 9 minutes to get through the checkstand and me about 49 seconds. I would have been out of there sooner, but the fucking cashier decided to give me my receipt and my change all back on top of each other with the coins falling onto the counter. Don’t gift wrap my currency with the receipt and place my damn coins on top you dipshit.

I rushed out of the store while fat slow fuck was still grabbing his two bags of 13 items he paid $7.83 with a check for while attempting to get control of his ugly elephant kids.

Rush home with the popcorn and drop it off and head back to my car after another quick kiss from Curly Top.

I see my mom’s car sitting there and if I had bad gas I would have taken her car and farted all the way to my appointment with the heater blaring so she would have a nice surprise when she started her car as payback for trying to make me late. But alas, I didn’t have any stomach problems for a change.

I left my house at 6:47 p.m. and I sped to my appointment weaving in and out of traffic.

You think I swear a lot now? You should see me in a hurry driving down the freeway like a midget running from the circus.

I was right on time as planned even with the added stress from my night because I’m perfect like that.

I don’t care if the other person is late unless it is a chick I had sex with…then if she’s late then that is a major problem.

Me sitting and waiting 10 minutes is better than me walking in 5 minutes late.

I’m always on time because I’m perfect

Father Knows Best

 
Our Mother, who art in heaven?

.....uhhh, no.

Father Knows Best period.


Little Mermaid
Disney's 28th animated masterpiece is an under the sea classic. Ariel, the fun-loving and mischievous mermaid, is enchanted with all things that are human. Disregarding her father's order to stay away from the world above the sea, she swims to the surface and, in a raging storm, rescues the prince of her dreams. Ariel must win the prince's love and save her father's kingdom -- in the end her father, King Triton, gives her legs so she can be with the man of her dreams. It is completely obvious by watching this film that her mother abandoned Ariel and her sisters because she didn't love them.



Bambi
The critically acclaimed coming-of-age story that has thrilled and entertained generations of fans. This grand adventure is full of humor, heart, and one of the most beloved characters of all time that sparked numerous stripper names -- Bambi, the wide-eyed fawn. Because Mother's aren't needed, Walt Disney had the bitch murdered.





THE APPLE DUMPLING GANG
You will laugh your ass off with this great comedy that includes Tim Conway and Don Knotts who can't hit the side of a barn with a 6-piece. The hilarity begins when a roving father-like figure (Bill Bixby) inherits three young orphans as women can't properly raise children. When the youngsters stumble upon a huge golden nugget, they must fend off the greedy townspeople. So the kids join forces with the bumbling outlaws to stage a robbery of the gold. If you're aiming for fun, saddle up and head out with THE APPLE DUMPLING GANG with no mother figures.



PINOCCHIO
An unforgettable cast of characters that includes kindly old wonderful father Geppetto that created Pinocchio; the spry Jiminy Cricket; the sneaky J. Worthington Foulfellow; a monster of a whale named Monstro; and, of course, the little puppet made of wood, Pinocchio. Let us not forget the never seen, never spoken about character that doesn't exist, the mother.






FINDING NEMO
Another soon to be classic where the mother gets killed at the beginning of the movie. Nemo, an adventurous young clownfish, is taken to a dentist's office aquarium. It's up to Marlin (Albert Brooks), his worrisome father, and Dory (Ellen DeGeneres) Nemo's future step-mom, to make the epic journey to bring Nemo home. Because of Marlin's undying love for his child and unwavering courage, he ultimately finds the little clownfish and brings him home.



THE GNOME MOBILE
Northern California's majestic Redwood Forest is the scene for a chance encounter between two young children (Mathew Garber, Karen Dotrice - the Mary Poppins kids) and Jasper (Tom Lowell), a two-foot-high gnome. Jasper has been desperately searching for a suitable bride to please Knobby (Walter Brennan), his 900-year-old grandfather. Surprised and delighted with their find, the children and the children's grandfather, D.B. Mulrooney, (duel role played by Walter Brennan) agree to help Jasper with his predicament. As the plot develops, an opportunistic freak-show entrepreneur tries to kidnap the gnomes for his own personal wealth. The film ends with a game of "Greased Gnome" to find his bride. The film does a wonderful job showcasing how wonderful life can turn out with father figures and not one single mother figure throughout the film.



BEAUTY AND BEAST
This timeless story won the prestigious Golden Globe for Best Picture and is the only animated film ever nominated for a Best Picture Academy Award® (1991). The action takes place in a quaint French village during the late 18th century, where the beautiful Belle finds escape from her ordinary existence -- and boorish suitors like Gaston -- by reading books. But when she accepts to be a prisoner to save her father from a hideous beast (actually an enchanted prince), only true love can save the day. By analyzing this wonderful classic, you will see that Belle's mother committed suicide while leaving her father to properly raise Belle into a wonderful kind hearted woman.



DARBY O'GILL AND THE LITTLE PEOPLE
Take a wee bit of ancient folklore, mix in some spectacular special effects and a magical cast (including Sean Connery) -- and you've got one of the most enchanting fantasies of all time with the only mother in the film being a manipulative conniving bitch. The main character is a frisky old storyteller and loving father named Darby O'Gill. One of Darby's tall tales comes true when he captures the King of the Leprechauns (King Brian), who must grant him three wishes. Darby ultimately uses one of his wishes, to save his daughter's life as Walt Disney proves once again that when it comes right down to it, mother's aren't needed and father knows best.



ALADDIN
Soar away on a magic carpet ride with Robin Williams the voice of the Genie in this nonstop thrills of fun adventure. Aladdin and his mischievous monkey, Abu, battle to save the free-spirited Princess Jasmine while her father is under a horrific spell. I haven't figured out what happened to the mother on this film yet, but I have a feeling she had an affair and ran off with a lowly peasant. Anyways, back to the film, Aladdin's whole life changes with one rub of a magic lamp as a fun-loving, shape-shifting Genie appears and grants him three wishes. Through his adventures, Aladdin proves that he is a prince where it truly matters most -- on the inside. Princess Jasmin's father changes the law of the land so she can marry her true love showing how awesome father's are. Princess Jasmine and Aladdin live happily ever after without a mother and no mother-in-law.



Lion King
Simba, the feisty lion cub who "just can't wait to be king" finds himself outed by his envious Uncle Scar who has plans for his own ascent to the throne, and he forces Simba's exile from the kingdom. Alone and adrift, Simba soon joins the escapades of a hilarious meerkat named Timon and his warmhearted warthog pal, Pumbaa. Adopting their carefree lifestyle of "Hakuna Matata," Simba ignores his real responsibilities. Simba's mother is seen and not heard while his father is killed, but even in death, Disney shows that mother's are not needed as Simba talks to his father's spirit realizing his destiny and returns to the Pride Lands to claim his place in the "Circle of Life."



CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG
Caractacus Potts (Dick Van Dyke), an eccentric inventor, his two children and his lady friend, Truly Scrumptious (Ann Howes), go on a picnic, where they are soon whisked into a magical world of pirates, castles and a flying car that they name lovingly, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. A fantasmagorical film showing that true parent love doesn't come from mothers, but from fathers and getting re-married is the way to live happily ever after.

I Go Potty Like A Big Girl

 
Looks like Curly Top is dragging a cantaloupe between her legs so I pick her up and head to the changing table to change her diaper. I put her down and take her diaper off while holding my breath.

Just pee.

Whew.

I hate changing poopy diapers. Anyways, I take off her diaper and wipe her up and as I'm unfolding her new diaper I hear a soft draft like noise hitting the changing mat. I look and Fountain Of Pee Part Two is squirting up and back down her legs and all over the changing mat. If you read the original Fountain of Pee story of almost a year ago, you would see how well she was doing potty training back then...but since she has seen less of me, she has taken a step backwards, because as with anything I'm better than everyone including being a parent.

I make a quick intelligent decision to not cup the urine in my hands learning from past experiences.

I watched proudly as Curly pissed all over the changing table smiling as I knew that cupping her urine was a mistake. Learning from my mistakes is something I take pride in. I then quickly learned that letting her finish pissing all over the mat while she laid there was a mistake too. Her little chubby hand found wetness next to her hip and she began slapping the urine as she discovered it sounded like a fat man trying to slap a wart off his ass.

And she enjoyed that sound as she continued to slap the mat with more force each time as urine splashed everywhere.

DAMMIT!!!!!!


A few weeks later I pick Curly Top up from my Ex-Mother-In-Law's and immediately head over to see a little Christmas play that was being held outside. I was holding Curly Top in my arms as we both were enjoying the play when all of a sudden Curly Top without making a noise shivers.

She got the chills.

As I squeeze her tighter trying to keep her warm I immediately feel my shirt being soaked with a warm soothing sterile liquid.

HORSE SHIT!!!

She pissed all over me because her diaper wasn't put on correctly. I had to leave the outside play and take care of this situation now. As I was at my car changing her, I thought about different ways to get my ex-mother-in-law back for sabotaging my evening on purpose by putting her diaper on wrong.


A few days later I was visiting my Mexican Danny DeVito father when I see Curly Top take off running down the hallway. After a few minutes of silence, I go in and check on her. I don't see her though.

"Curly? Where are you?" I called out...but nothing.

Dead silence.

I hear movement in the closet.

I smirk as I know where she is and then I say, "Okay, I'm leaving because I don't know where you are."

Dead silence still.

I'll sneak up on her and scare her. I'm her daddy and I can do these things...hehe. The Mexican in me came out as I creeped up on her like I was about to steal some hubcaps. I crouched down as I prepared to fling the closet door open and yell, Boo.

Bwwwwhahahaha - I love it when a plan comes together.

I FLING THE DOOR OPEN AND YELL...

BOO!

The odor shot out of the closet and hit me like a ton of bricks causing my knees to buckle as I fell over.

It smelt like burnt moldy pizza with ass sauce.

"I go poopoo daddy." The one who smelled like she farted in tupperware and kept it for over a year before exploding it in my face said.

After regaining conscience, I swooped her up and changed her diapers with biochemical gloves and a mask.



THAT IS IT!!!! I'VE HAD IT!!!

Her mom says she'll go on the potty when she's ready, you can't push her in potty training she says.

*cough* BULLSHIT *cough*

Oh, on the contrary less of a parent than I - You're wrong.

Curly Top obviously knows when poop is coming which is why she ran off and hid. Now I just have to get her to connect the two so instead of hiding, she'll go on the potty. She loves M&Ms, so I got one of those M&M men that you put M&Ms in and pull his arm down and M&Ms come out. I let Curly Top watch as I put the M&Ms in and got everything ready while I constantly reminded her that if she goes poopoo on the potty she can get M&Ms.

The first morning I put the M&M man out in plain view so she could see him.

Curly Top - "Give me M&Ms."

TIMMY! - "Excuse me? That is not how you ask."

Curly Top - "I get M&Ms please?"

TIMMY! - "No, when you go potty like a big girl, you get M&Ms."

Curly Top - "Oooooh, you right."

I know I'm right kid it was my idea, and in case you're sitting there thinking how jacked up that was for me to make her ask correctly before telling her no, you're stupid. She still needs her manners thank you very much. I didn't make her ask with "May I......please" because she is only 2 1/2 years old, I want a polite kid, not one that is parroting back just to get her way. If you disagree, you're wrong.

After about an hour of putting the M&M man out I get a frantic Curly Top running up to me.

"Daddy! I go poopoo!"

I get all excited, "Oh Oh, hurry hurry lets go to the potty! Hurry! Hurry!"

Arms frantically waving in the air we run to the little potty. I quickly fumble at her zipper of her nightgown and get it off. I get to her diaper and as I'm frantically getting the straps off I think to myself that I better slow down and take the diaper off slowly just in case so I don't fling poo everywhere.

No poop in the diaper so I finish getting her diaper off and she sits down on the potty. I'm so happy that she's sitting on the potty I sit down next to her so I can enjoy this achievement of her taking a dump in her little potty and all because of my idea.

I so rock.

I have a bunch of books by her little potty so we began to read books while she sat on the potty.

About 5 minutes into sitting there, the enthusiasm on my part was gone. She was pushing every now and then so this is a good thing. We'll wait it out and she'll go and then I'll win, and show everyone how much I rock.

10 minutes later she still says she has to go poopoo pushing every now and then. So we continue reading books as my ass begins to hurt sitting on the ground because I wasn't expecting her to be this long on the potty.

15 minutes of reading Dora the Explorer trying to figure out some stupid retarded rhyme with her pet monkey, Boots, was really getting on my nerves as my intelligent child continued to say she still has to go potty pushing every now and then. Doubt began to creep in my mind that my fantasy of seeing little turds today wasn't going to happen.

20+ minutes later I have given up hope and my ass is completely numb. I have no desire to read anything more about Rainbow Fish wanting to hang out with his friends. I do not care whether he zigs, or zags, or swish or swims because in my honest opinion I believe this little rainbow fish has some serious identity issues he needs to work out. I mean, he's a "rainbow" fish and he's hanging out with the opposite sex.

Just before I was about to find out whether or not Sammy the Sea Lion escaped from the evil grasps of Nick the Shark , Curly Top perks up and says, "I go poopoo daddy! I get M&Ms!"

"YAY!!!!" We both yell all excited. I was so excited I was ready to call everyone I know including her mother to rub it in her face of how right I always am.

She begins to stand up as her little butt cheeks peel off the plastic potty and as she turns her red ring butt around we both look into the potty. Excitement consumes me as I imagine looking at magnificent brown polished tiny turds in this tiny little potty after sitting for 20+ minutes.

Yes, I was very excited to see poop.

Achievement and glory is something special to feel...and I was feeling it until my eyes focused in on the poop.

I'm lucky to have 20/20 vision because I needed all of it to see this tiny hamster dump she took. It looked like a piece of crumb from a chocolate cake, so I look closer and it is a tiny weeny itsy bitsy poop. She took a baby midget size crap.

She must be on some kind of Valium because this turd was bullshit. I can't believe I sat for 20+ minutes for her to take a tiny dump like this.

I look at her like she's crazy and say, "Are you kidding me? You want M&Ms for this tiny thing?"

She turned on her charms and said, "Daddy...I get M&Ms, I go poopoo."

My numb ass and I wasn't too happy so I said, "Are you serious?"

Curly Top now gets annoyed with me and says, "I go potty like a big girl daddy!"

I started chuckling at her determination to go potty for M&Ms and I said, "You're right, you get M&Ms!"

I get her dressed and she pulls the arm down of the M&M man and off to watch Mary Poppins she goes munching on her hard earned M&Ms.


Now it is clean up time.

I pull the little plate out from underneath and look at the hamster poop she took. I tilt it over into the toilet but it doesn't come out. I softly tap the back of it and still nothing happens. I didn't want to fling it out because what if I missed the toilet and the little turd flew across the room and hit the wall and then I wouldn't be able to find it because it was so tiny. I thought about using some toilet paper to clean it out but I didn't want it to smear all over in the inside and have the toilet paper tear getting the poop underneath my fingersnails. I didn't want this to turn into a big ordeal of cleaning up.

This little turd was becoming a problem.

As I hear Mary Poppins singing Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious in the background, I devise a plan to get rid of this thing once and for all.

I turn the hot water on.

I don't know why but I find my self being a genius of coming up with the idea of melting this little turd into liquid and then flushing it down the toilet.

After getting the water as hot as it could get,, I stick the little pan under the steaming water and to my delight it worked. It didn't melt it like I envisioned it would but nonetheless it worked.

I am happy to announce that she hasn't gone poop in her pants for the past couple of weeks.

And yes, I take full credit.

You Asked For It

 
I hate not having a car. I am a busy body and I am trapped on other people's schedules until I get things squared away with my car. I've been catching a ride with a co-worker who drops her 3 children off in the morning to 3 different schools.

1 - "She's poking me."
2 - "He started it."
1 - "Don't poke me with a pen!"
2 - "It's not a pen pumpkin head, it's a highlighter."

3 - "Mom, can I stay late tonight at daycare so I can play with my barbies?"
Mom - "No, we need to get home tonight"
3 - "MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMOM, puuuuuuuuuuuuuleasssssssssssse"
Mom - "I said no."
3 - "I never get anything I ever want."

And it only gets worse kid.

I get home so early now I don't know what to do with myself. If I had a decent computer at home, I would be posting like every 5 minutes.

Anyways, lets get these damn questions over with so I can get back to bringing you kick ass nobody rocks like me entertainment. I didn't get that many questions so I picked questions that I believe people would most want to hear.

How old is Curly nowadays?
Raineydays

She is 2 1/2 years old and her birthday is in July. She is a complete social butterfly and loves Lady Bugs. Her first word was "tickle". She is doing very well with her potty training and if I had her more than 50% of the time, she would have been potty trained long time ago. My next post will be about her potty training with pictures.

Now that you have acheived the creation of the perfect human child, are you now terrified by potentially impregnating a woman with imperfect hellbeasts who might compete with Curly for food and resources...?
Pisser

I am very content with having only one child, but when I do get married again it will be something my future wife and I will discuss and decide on together whether to have more children or not. Curly is very sturdy and can handle herself. I have already witnessed her banging her drum stick off of Omey's head who is 1 year older than her. I'll also be teaching her how to hit someone properly so she can even kick a boy's ass. Then I plan to act innocent when the beat up kid's parents comes to talk to me. So no, I do not worry whether or not she will have any problems fighting for food & resources if I do have more children or I get hitched to a chick who has ugly children.

Do you still have hope that one day your life will be exactly what you want it to be?
Peeved Michelle

My life will never be exactly how I want it to be because what I want in my head is different than how things really work in reality. Situations and every day life is always changing, so what I want is constantly changing. There are basic principles of life that I want that can't be purchased, and I believe I will have those someday.

Have you ever used a tomato as a sex toy?
Mark

This is by far the most asked question of me so here is the deal on it. I always like to try and better myself, so I'm always buying things to educate myself. On this particular issue, I purchased a video from Dr. Natasha Terry who is a Certified Clinical Sexologist with a background in Psychology and Sexology. She has her doctorate in Human Sexuality at the Institute for Advanced Human Sexuality. Her videos are designed to teach men and women how to communicate sexually and teaching various techniques. The videos are a great source of information but you need practice just as with everything, and you need a willing partner to explore with - however, the ultimate pleasure and satisfaction is when two people cater to both emotional & physical aspects. Anyways, I purchased a video years ago titled, "From The Other Side Of The Bed" It was a combo set that showed different techniques you could do for him and her.

One of the techniques for him was using a tomato. You hallow out the inside of it...you can put it in the microwave for like 20 seconds and the woman can use the tomato like a hand job while also using her mouth. The "Tomato Technique" can still be found on Dr. Natasha's site. Have I ever personally done it? No - Once I get comfortable I get crazy in bed, but I've never done that. I've used it to write about as a joke because it is funny but I've never actually done it.

Here is Dr. Natasha Terry's website if you want to surf on it or sign up to order videos. There are graphic pictures right on the front of the website so it isn't safe for work viewing. Love Teacher.com.

Are you as funny in person ?
Brenda

If you know the Greek temperaments, I am a Phlegmatic/Sanguine. I am a natural introvert, so until I become familiar with my surroundings, I am very quiet. I watch how other people interact with each other and I make a lot of character judgements by what I observe and hear. I also try and figure out what can and can't be said with a particular individual. Once I do become familiar, I talk and joke a lot just as I do on my blog except for the rudeness and vulgarity. So if you find me funny on my blog, you would find me funny in person once I get comfortable.


WHEW!

Finally....now back to our regular broadcast nobody rocks like me program.

Job Six Two & Three

 
My Job Sucks
I've Had Six minus Two years of marriage getting shit on from my ex-wife
I've had Three Shitty Weeks In A Row and I don't see any light

First, I was freaking out in my own warped mind and now shit is hitting the fan on the outside.

During the past couple weeks, I have had the worst possible time. A few days after Christmas I look in the mirror and realize how much of a fucking asshole I really am. You might have known it but I just recently found it out and I felt like kicking an old Italian lady in the fucking crotch because of it.

Not Fun.

Then on News Years Eve I get drunk and pass out on the couch with no pillow and no blankets....WHY DIDN'T I GET A FUCKING BED? Or at least a damn blanket!!!??? ASSHOLES!!!

I was in the company of assholes....but I'm an asshole too apparently so I guess that is okay.

Assholes of a feather, fuck together, or something.

I did wake up with no hangover though because I fucking rock like that. How many of you can say you passed out on a couch with no blanket, no pillow and woke up feeling refreshed and began the morning with a Bloody Mary? Huh? Yeah...I'm practically perfect in every way like that...except the asshole part but that helps me write better and brings you here to read this shit so I guess in the end it works out.

Today I had an appointment with a trainer to get back in shape and put on muscle mass. And if you couldn't tell by this post, I have a lot of aggression to get out. My goal is to weigh 210 ibs with 6% body fat within 6 months, which is totally possible because I'm so awesome and have worked out hard in the past and know what I'm doing.

So as I was driving to work this morning, I looked down to fiddle with my radio and as I looked back up all I see is a sea of brake lights. I hit my brakes and the car in front of me starts turning sideways and I realize that the car in front of me was braking HARD and I was coming up FAST so I slammed on my brakes and slid into her.

BOOM!

My car folded and bent over like a cheap drunk skank on New Years from the impact. My hood in shambles, steam coming out of my car and there was a stench of radiation fluid in the air, my car was wrecked.

I get out of my car and my car looks like I just hit a semi-truck with radiation fluid already running down the highway with a cloud of smoke over my car. Considering how badly my car was damaged in the front, I'm lucky neither of my front airbags deployed because I've always wanted to hit the steering wheel with my face.

I look at the little Toyota Camry I hit and the bumper had some of my paint on it with a little dent.

What the fuck?

I'm happy to announce that everyone who witnessed the accident was on time to work today because not one single person stopped to ask if we were okay, or offer to stay as a witness when the police arrive. Those crazy overachievers.

Highway patrol got us off the freeway and onto a sidestreet. My car chugged along at 15 miles per hour, luckily I was able to drive it because within 5 minutes my car wouldn't even start. As the police were getting the statements from the other two vehicles involved, I was getting my shit out of the car so it could be towed. The tow tuck driver being a big white dumpy looking type of offspring from a brother & sister came up to me and asked, "So what happened? Did that Oriental cut you off? They give us lots of business, those Orientals."

Good to know that racism is still alive and kicking in the real world and not just on my blog. The tow truck driver then sped off with my car leaving me stranded there with a dumbfounded look like I just crossed the boarder and don't know where I'll be sleeping for the night.

The cop shined his badge as he walked up to me and asked for my statement by asking, "What happened?"

"The bitch braked on the highway."

After the cop was done getting my statement, he offered to give me a ride in the pig-mobile to work. I get out of the cop car with my bag and tell the cop thanks. As I walk in, I immediately started getting "moo'ed" at because I was rooting for the Oklahoma Sooners to win the college National Championship Football Game. I quickly reminded them that I won the Orange Bowel with the Sooners on my Playstation 2 so they could fuck off.

On my desk waiting for me, was my brand new Satellite Sirius Radio I purchased.

But now...

NOW I DON'T HAVE A FUCKING CAR TO PUT IT IN!!!!!!!!!

Talk about kicking a beaner while he's down.

There is only one person who can make things better and I wish she was here - she's tall, has green eyes, she's Tamale Lady Beautiful, and has a Ghetto Booty you want to slap all night. But she got attacked by a school of hammer head sharks and she's dead (bonus points if you know the quote of that movie) so I won't be seeing her for awhile.

Why the fuck has God decided to drop his pants and take a giant shit on me? I don't want this SHIT!!!!!

If you have bad news, now is the mother fucking perfect time to tell me. Don't wait because that will just piss me off even more. Tell me now and get it over with.

TIMMY!, I'm sorry, your psycho ex-wife has decided to throw your ass in jail for being a negligent father

TIMMY!, I'm dumping your ass

TIMMY!, you lost your ambulance license because of this accident

TIMMY!, You're Fired

TIMMY!, you don't rock

TIMMY!, your entire family has been murdered.....hmm, actually that would be good news.

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PIECCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCE OOOOOOOOF MMMMMMMMMMMMONKEY SHHHHHHHHHHHHHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is the first time I wish I was still married so I could go home and beat on something.