Monday, June 28, 2004

Weekend Of Fun

 


Thanks for all those that commented on my last post and/or sent in an email.

To answer pretty much the same question from everyone...I don't really care whether they use Mexican, Beaner, Spick in titles of movies. I just thought I would write about it and tick some people off while making fun at a bunch of races all at the same time. Aaaaah, good times, good times.

This is an equal opportunity of getting made fun of blog, so get use to it. If I haven't made fun of your race, religion, the way you talk, a physical handicap and/or special group, keep reading my blog as I will eventually get around to you. If you are feeling left out, just know that you most likely aren't important enough in this world for me to sit here and make fun of you so deal with it. I'm sure this isn't the only disappointment you have found in your pathetic life.

Next on my to do list is Halle Berry....oops, heh, I mean...the next thing on my to talk about list is to refer to a review I received way back in April...how I missed it I have no idea, but I did, so here is the full review from her blog.

my life is better than yours - Oh Tim, Tim, Timmy...Christ how do I describe Timmy? Ummm... He's a freakin trip! I'm always way proud if I haven't pee'd myself by the end of a post!! True I had to beg for a flippin blogroll...but all is forgiven and I love him again-yes, even though in said reciprocation he called me a closet pervert...who told on me?!
~ Kimberlee

I don't remember about the begging part she refers to, but I do remember she was on her knees. If you want to read other reviews of this totally kick ass because Nobody Rocks Like Me blog, from other bloggers and some like professionals who reviewed it, then click here.




When Grooms Plan the Wedding

I had another wedding to attend on Saturday. My very old friend Terry got married on Saturday, my friend of over 20+ years. I wasn't in the wedding thank God as he had his brother as his best man and his "future" brother-in-law in the wedding party.

I went to the Catholic church, they had a nice wedding, I went to the back of the church for the reception, they had a power point presentation of various pictures of the bride & groom growing up titled, "The Bonding Of Two Lives". They cut the cake, I had some carrots and cantaloupe and a sandwich because that is what they were serving.

That was it. I gave my congratulations, and I was gone.

End of story...nothing exciting...the only news on this wedding was how simple it was, but if you knew Terry, you would understand. I went home and collapsed at home and slept the rest of the night.




A Bug's Life

The Players:
  • Me: The Tall Mexican In Flip-Flops
  • Curly Top: The quarter beaner that likes to urinate in her daddy's hands
  • C.C.: Curly Top's Coca Cola Grandma because her kitchen is '50's style coca cola...Curly Top calls her "CC"
  • Desi Arnaz: The Spider

    The Background
    All of us are in the kitchen and I caught a spider in Curly Top's bug container from the dollar store. Curly loves...LOVES bugs so I catch stuff for her all the time. I caught the spider and we named him, Desi Arnaz.

    The Story

    - CC was at sink
    - Curly Top was sitting down
    - I was holding the bug container
    - Curly Top was watching Desi Arnaz
    - CC was washing dishes
    - Curly Top says, "Curly hold it"
    - I say, "No daddy holds it"
    - Culy Top repeats, "Curly hold it"
    - I say, "Excuse me, Daddy says, no"
    - Curly Top says, "aaaaahright."
    - I set bug container down on counter
    - CC is still washing dishes
    - Curly Top is watching Desi Arnaz
    - I start drinking my orange juice
    - Curly Top says, "Ewwwww"
    - I was not looking
    - CC was not looking
    - Curly Top says, "Bye Bye"
    - I look at Desi Arnaz
    - Desi Arnaz is not there
    - Desi Arnaz has escaped
    - Curly Top says, "Lookie CC"
    - I frantically look for Desi
    - Curly Top repeats, "Lookie CC"
    - I ask Curly where did the spider go
    - Curly Top shouts, "There he is!"
    - I look
    - Desi is trying to attack and kill CC
    - CC turns around
    - CC screams
    - Desi's huge fangs drip with saliva
    - I say, "wait I'll catch him again"
    - CC panics
    - I yell, "Noooooooo"
    - Curly starts laughing, "hahahaha"
    - CC's foot comes up and smashes Desi
    - Desi Arnaz found God
    - Curly Top doesn't care about Desi
    - I cry at Desi's lifeless body
    - Curly runs off and plays with her soccer ball
    - CC cleans up Desi's guts from floor
    - I cover hole in bug container from dollar store with scotch tape

    And that was my weekend.

  • Thursday, June 24, 2004

    Wal-Wars of Mart



    Summer officially began this week.

    The night had a crisp fresh scent to it as pink lighting from the sun reflects off of the pollution as the the longest day of the year draws to an end.

    I needed to get some miscellaneous items for myself. It was getting late even though the sun was just setting, so I decided to go to Wal-Mart to pick up what I needed, some minor personal effects, nothing big.

    I hope in my car and head off to Wal-Mart, I get to the parking lot only to discover that there isn't a parking place to be found.

    Yeah, apparently I'm like the only minority that doesn't do all their shopping including groceries at Wal-Mart. I have to park near the Taco Bell across the street where there are white people who are happy about buying some real authentic Mexican food here in America. I wanted to tell them that if they want to pay me 79 cents I'd be more than happy to take a dump in a tortilla, wrap it up so they could get their burrito with for even a more authentic feeling.

    Anyways, as I'm walking over to Wal-Mart I grab a cart. To my dismay one of the front wheels on my shopping cart sticks and makes this weird screeching nose about every 10 steps or so. The only other free shopping cart I see is in the far off distance so I said screw it, I'll just deal with this one.

    I make my way to the front of Wal-Mart and I walk up to the automatic opening doors only to get a whiff of an unusual smell. It sorta reminded me of when you go to an apartment complex and the weird people across the way always cook these god-awful meals that smells of greasy Mexicans mixed with spicery Asians, a dash of Pepper, and a pinch of Salt. Pepper is Black people for you idiots out there....and Salt obviously are the White people, there is just a pinch of Salt because the majority of the white people were making a run for the boarder over at Taco Bell. The rest of the salt were the white trash trailer chicks with daisy dukes cutoffs at Wal-Mart that were so crack whorishly skinny it looks like just one leg was protruding from their waist.

    As I walk into the mammoth- they- have- everything -in -one -place -so -all -minorities -shop -there - store, there was a greeter standing there.

    Only she didn't greet me.

    I think the 93 year old blue Wal-Mart apron wearing white lady had croaked because she didn't even move as I passed by her.


    My squeaking shopping cart leads me to the little girls clothing section when all of a sudden I turn into a chick that's shopping for her girlfriends first baby shower:

    "Oh My God, this is so cute," I say as I hold up a pair of capri pants.

    Running across the aisle I pick up a long pink silk nightgown.

    "I have to buy this for Curly," I say as I cover my mouth and giggle.

    I accidentally ran over the foot of a 6 year old Asian girl to get the last Dora the Explorer t-shirt to go with the new capri pants. The little girl starts crying and I pretend like I didn't see her and say, "Oh I didn't see you there." The mom comes over and starts chirping like a bird in her native tongue and then proceeds to flick the girl in the nose. This prompted the little girl to stop crying while it prompted me to want to start laughing....it took every ounce of strength in me to hold it in and turn away. I start fake coughing to help suppress the laughing. Then I felt bad since I was the one that caused the little Asian girl to get flicked in the nose in the first place.

    But then I got over it.

    With my shopping cart full of new clothes for Curly Top I head over to the electronic section to shop around. I pick up a Celia Cruz, Queen of Salsa, CD titled "Edición limitada" ..... Limited Edition.

    I'm walking down the aisle when all of a sudden I see something in the kids section. I get closer because I can't believe my eyes. I look again and mouth silently, "Mother Fucker."

    It's a Scooby-Doo cartoon titled, Monster of Mexico.....why does this piss me off? Hello!!! Look at these 3 titles right here:

    Monster of Mexico.
    Scooby-Doo and the goofy retarded gang head south of the border to solve the mysterious appearance of the Chupacabra - Mexico's very own Big Foot!


    Out in theatres right now is a movie titled, A Day Without A Mexican.
    One morning California wakes up to find that one 1/3 of its population has disappeared. The realization that what has disappeared is the very thing that keeps the "California Dream" running - cooks, gardeners, nannies, construction workers, and farmers. That's right...no more Mexicans.


    Not to long ago you may remember a movie titled, The Mexican.
    A white man tries to transport an ancient gun called The Mexican, believed to carry a curse, (see the underlying message here?) while his white girlfriend pressures him to give up his criminal ways.

    Mexicans get shit on all the time. It all started when Mexico sold 50% of America for some guacamole and tortilla chips after the Mexican-American war...I know this because I studied the one paragraph in my US history book in High School on the subject. Since then, it has been all down hill.

    These movies just proves my point, there isn't another minority group that would have their nationality in a movie title.

    Think about it:

  • Monster of Iraq
    The Fab 5 from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy head East to solve the mysterious appearance of a dictator - Iraq's very own U.S. President.

  • An Asian Without A Car
    One morning California wakes up to find that 2 percent of its population has disappeared. The realization that what has disappeared is the very thing that makes them late every morning for work. That's right...no more Bad Drivers.

  • The Negro
    The story follows a young white man going through the hardships of asking his parents to pay for a Prestigious College intuition so he doesn't have to attend his hometown University.

    You will never see any movies like that ever come out of Hollywood.

    Never ever, like Michael Jackson's Never Never Ranch ever!

    I finally make my way to the cash register completely disgusted. I put all my items on the counter, mainly purchasing a ton of new clothes for Curly Top. I get my check book out and yes Houston, I signed my check with a can of spray paint.

    I walk pass the greeter that is still in the same exact position as when I first arrived still not moving and no signs of breathing. As with every other customer of Wal-Mart, I walk out of the store with no smile and unhappy like I just stepped in shit. Damn society putting my fellow brothern Latinos down.

    I walk the 1/2 mile with my squeaky cart back to my car fighting my natural Mexican urges to steal hubcaps along the way thus completing the longest day of the year.
  • Tuesday, June 22, 2004

    Good Times....Good Times

     


    Thank you to all those that sent in their concerns wandering where the hell I was, and worried that either Fievel kidnapped me or that I got arrested from not paying the full amount on my speeding ticket. Those that didn't care to ask for my whereabouts, I hope you get gonorrhea from a monkey and die a horrible painful death in a public bathroom.

    Last week I was extremely busy with work. I was trying to get things all take care of so I could take Friday off. I figured I would be able to get a post out to let everyone know where I was going, but alas, I just ran out of time.

    An old high school buddy was getting married in Mendocino County, Northern California.



    The drive was to take 4 hours from where I live and the wedding was early on Saturday. I decided to hitch a ride with a bunch of friends that were going up on Friday to make my life easier. Which by the way, was not an easy choice as it was, I was supposed to go up to the City (San Francisco) with a bunch of hot chicks and party it up, true some of them were married but just being in the crowd with hot chicks is a plus, but I was giving all that up to go to this wedding...if they don't die old together, they'll be murdered young by yours truly.

    Early Friday morning I arrive at the meeting place and see some old friends that I haven't seen in awhile....

    there was "Baldy", tall white guy with a shaved head and a closely trimmed beard. In high-school, Baldy was about 5'8 and 100 ibs...now he's about 6'2 200 ibs.

    Also there was "Tiny"....I don't know what his nationality is...I guess it doesn't really matter anyways since if you were in a crowd trying to spot him you'd look right over him from the fact that he's so short.

    The Groom was to do all the driving, the happy little jerk was all giddy...and of course, there was me....the Tall Mexican in Flip-Flops.

    Together the four us piled into a car and off we went for a 4 hour car drive.

    Road Trip

    In the car we all told great stories of growing up together....and it would always end with a, "Good Times, Good Times" .... no matter how bad the story actually was. We ate a quick breakfast about 10:30 a.m. and unbeknownst to us, it was to be our last meal of the day until about 9 p.m.

    We arrived to Mendocino County without a problem. Laughing and being silly, silly like little high school boys.

    It was Good Times...Good Times.

    We got to our hotel at the Beachcomber and we were all to stay in the same hotel room. All four of us with two queen size beds. It was a road trip and Groom paid for the room with his "wedding reserves" so none of us wanted to spend any extra cash for our own room. We settled in and got ready for the dress rehearsal and for the rehearsal dinner. I wasn't in the wedding, but since I was there, I was allowed to mooch off of the night and get a free dinner.

    Yay For Me.

    First up on the fun night agenda was the dress rehearsal. Two of the bride maids had not arrived in town yet so the Pastor's wife and myself got to stand in. Maid of Honor walks down and next in line was myself.....I walk down looking majestically beautiful. I'm standing in line beaming with a smile as the other bride maids walk the aisle.

    Then it starts....

    "My, you look beautiful in your dress." I look down at myself and I'm wearing flip-flops, a pair of nice dockers, and a button up silk shirt. I give her a fake smile and give my appreciation for her comment.

    "Always a braids maid never a bride huh?" I force out a fake laugh this time and say, "You so know me."

    This is beginning to get really irritating and yet, the fun jabs of comments continue.

    "I love your bouquet"

    "So when are you getting married to Mr. Right?"

    "You wear that dress really well, you look fabulous!"

    Hahahahahahaha....it was so much fun, I was so enjoying myself and all the fun caddy talk by the ladies.

    At this point I wanted to walk up to the Bride and punch her in the fucking neck. Even though she wasn't the one making the comments, I felt like she was responsible since it is her wedding and her bride maids.

    The agonizing rehearsal finally ended with me on the arm of Baldy walking me out.

    Now we got to go mingle at the, "The Family Meet & Greet".

    Oh Joy.

    Once I got there - were chips & salsa and some triscuits. Aaaah, I was starving, and dinner reservations were not for another 2 hours. I grabbed a bottle of Vodka and poured it in a glass....since there wasn't any Cranberry or another kind of juice, I mixed it with a Sprite.

    Good Times, Good Times.

    Making small talk with family members wasn't my ideal situation on this Friday night in a beach town, but it was something I was going to have to accept for my free meal.

    The chips, salsa & triscuits got old within the first 45 minutes. I was starving....literally, I could feel my body getting weaker by the minute and there was absolutely nothing I could do.

    Nothing....

    I'm hanging out with Baldy & Tiny and we were all trying to fill up on liquor since none of us had eatin since 10:30 a.m. that morning as the chips & triscuits just wasn't doing it for us. 20 minutes before our reservations at 7 p.m. a call came out that there was a shuttle ready to pick up a group and take us down to the Brewery Restaurant. Baldy, Tiny & myself make eye contact and we decide to catch the shuttle and get the hell out of there and maybe get some real appetizers at the restaurant.

    We pile in and leave the Groom behind to mingle with family and off we go to the Brewery. When we arrive we found out that the Brewery doesn't have any hard alcohol and that we are to pay for our own drinks. Tiny & Baldy order one of the Brewery's beers and I order a coke, I'm not a beer drinker even if they do brew their own beer. We get shown to were the party was to be held and we were told that there are appetizers in the back.

    Drooling like mentally retarded kids at Disney Land, we quickly rush to the back of the room only to find in our disappointment chips & salsa and fucking triscuits.

    What the fuck?

    How is it possible that they would have the exact same food appetizers at the Family Meet & Greet? Not only that, we have to pay for our drinks now. We were actually better off at the Family Meet & Greet.

    Dammit!

    I was there with Baldy & Tiny though so it was Good Times, Good Times.

    Our 7 p.m. dinner reservations flew by like Mario Andretti....we still hadn't ordered by 8 p.m. By 9 p.m. we finally got our food. We were drooling at our food like lesbians on Ladies Night at a night club....the best food ever...I don't remember what we had because it wasn't on our plates long enough to figure out what we were eating.

    We all piled up in a car and we head back to the hotel with full stomachs. Baldy, Tiny & the Groom break out cigars and lite them up out on the balcony over looking the ocean. I've never smoked anything in my life and I sure as shit wasn't going to start that night, so I elected to pass.

    After about another hour we decide to retire for the night. I was to share a bed with Baldy while the Groom and Tiny were to share a bed.

    About 4 a.m. I was awoken by a horrific sound. A sound that was in rhythm with the waves crashing outside, only this sound was horrific. I open my eyes and as my brain focused on the sound, I realized it was my sleeping partner, Baldy. All 6'2 of him snoring like a dying rhino being repeatedly stabbed by a dull kitchen knife. I sit up and stare at the big honky fucker. My eyes focus in on his nostrils as they flare up each time as the horrible sound escapes his nostrils. I have this urge to ram my finger up his nose and into his brain killing him so I can sleep. I look over at the Groom sleeping like a baby, and realize that killing his stand in best man might not be the best thing to do. He was a stand in because his real best man, his brother, is serving his Country over in Iraq.

    What to do...what to do...

    I start flip flopping in bed like I have mad cow disease, tossing and turning until finally the snoring stops....

    Good Times...Good Times

    Wedding Day

    The wedding was absolutely beautiful with a costal front view and amazing flowers surrounding the happy couple. I could not find any bad signs that his marriage would end horrible, unless you count that vulture flying over head as they were saying their vows....That couldn't mean anything...I mean really, I see vultures flying over coastal weddings all the time.

    On a quick side note, let me tell all you future brides & grooms out there who plan on having a wedding....make sure there are enough single people to go around. It got so bad at one point I thought about trying to convince the pastor's wife to cheat on her husband with me. You never know, it could happen!

    Good Times....Good Times

    The Groom was off for his wedding night, Tiny was staying in town for an extra night, so Baldy and myself decide to take off. Baldy had to work the next day and it was Father's day for me and I had to get back to Curly Top, so we high tailed it out of Mendocino County.

    We drove the Groom's car back for him....which he so kindly left us with no gas.

    We stopped for gas at a local gas station and they had a full service no extra charge help. Sheesh...where the fuck were we?

    Baldy, being the talkative type, starts talking to the locals that were hanging outside the gas station. Damn small talk, I hate small talk with strangers. You're never going to see them again so whats the point?

    We finally hope back in the car and I tell Baldy to cut the shit with the Locals and lets get home. He tells me its good to be nice...and I'm like, for what reason asshole?

    He turns the car on, but it doesn't turn over....the battery is fucking dead. The local towns people come running up and tells us they have jumper cables and not to worry.

    Baldy looks over at me and says, "Damn Mexicans, you're lucky I'm here making nice with the locals."

    We both laugh.

    We get the car jumped, and continue our 4 hour car ride back home without further incident.

    Good Times...Good Times.


    Here's the happy married couple living it up right now in Hawaii



    Sunday, June 20, 2004

    10 Things I've Learned From Being A Daddy

     


    Curly Top!

    10. People call you daddy or papi when you are not in a horizontal position

    9. The weight on the diaper package is not how much urine the diaper can hold

    8. Chubby babies are better because when you drop them they'll bounce back up

    7. Sticking your finger in your teething child's mouth is not the brightest idea if you don't like pain

    6. You lose all of your friends who don't have kids

    5. It is not a wise choice to cup your child's urine in your hands

    4. Moaning during sex no longer exist as to not wake the napping baby

    3. Kids are stupid, you can trick them into doing your chores

    2. A Quickie now means changing a diaper before the baby craps on the changing table

    1. No matter how fast they grow up, no one else can give butterfly kisses like daddy

    Happy Father's Day

    Friday, June 11, 2004

    Run from the mouse...RUN!!!

     


    I have an old friend I call Roach, I call him Roach because he was a little hyper Mexican that jumped around like a cockroach, he's calmed down considerably since he's gotten older. We've been friends since high school and he was here in California for two weeks before heading back to Texas where he lives now. We've been running together in the mornings but last night he was having a little get together with some friends before he headed back to Texas with his family.

    I walk up to the door and knock happily and the door swings open and there is Roach. "Hey T! Come on in!" I walk in and my jaw immediately hits the floor as standing in front of me was Fievel. I have successfully avoided Fievel for the past 7 years since I've been out of high school. I called her Fievel because she looks like the mouse, Fievel Mousekewits, from the movie The American Tail.

    I have avoided her all these years because frankly, I don't like her. She had a huge crush on me in high school and would rub up against me in swim class while we swam. She violated me during those swim classes, and I never appreciated it. She had the same exact zit on her chin for all four years of high school. I never understood why...maybe it was because she appeared to never take a shower....I think she was getting her hair nice and greasy so she could wring it out for oil to keep her car running.

    All these years that I have successfully avoided her and there she stood....that zit on her chin has now moved to her forehead and she still looks like Fievel. Here I thought people looked older after 7 years of high school...more mature looking, but no....not Fievel....she still looks the same except the zit has moved.

    After all night trying to hide my cell phone so I wouldn't have to give up my number, or give her my favorite Chinese Restaurant number pretending it was mine, everyone said their goodbyes to Roach and off we went. I lived down the street from him so I walked. Now I wish I had driven so I could speed off and loose Fievel so she wouldn't be able to trap me and ask for my contact info.

    I started walking quickly as I heard her truck start up. I start going faster and faster until I'm actually running in my flip-flops down the street so she can't pull up beside me and start talking to me. Now I'm in a full fledge sprint to keep away from her and as her headlights turn onto the street I'm running on, I make a quick cut to my right and cut into an old little church that has been closed for years now. I hide in the bushes as she slowly drives by.

    I stare at the ground so we don't make eye contact. I was completely hidden, but I know that if our eyes met she would see me there in the dark hiding from her Fievel like face.

    She drove off never seeing me and this is something I'm not to proud of. I mean, she is a person...she has feelings behind that zit. I almost felt as low as when I wanted a Minivan for like 4 seconds before slapping myself, but wanting a Minivan even for 4 seconds is way worst than avoiding a human being.

    I mean really...a Minivan?



    Love Her Like A Tomato


    I'm in cyber love with Pisser. She smells like shit, she chases her felines to chop off and save dingleberries, and she likes to fist her meerkat on a regular basis. She can't talk enough about her fine ass and she loves a great gas station sandwich.

    Even Hitler would love this Jew.

    She amazes me...she has worked at more jobs than Robert Downey Jr. has been sent to rehab. Wish I could do that, wish I could be so talented to work multiple jobs instead of having my skills limited to a desk at my current job....cause I hate my job. Except a short stint at a bank, I've only worked for Law Firms. I hate working with attorneys....I've been lucky though as the ones that I have worked for have actually been great bosses and not your stereotypical, arrogant, I want to stab you in the face with a dull pencil for butt fucking me financially without the Goddamn courtesy to use any lube, attorney type.

    Every year I get a high school intern working for me. I'm always hoping to get a Pisser Jr. so maybe I'll come across their blog about their internship working for my firm talking about their totally cool & rad boss. That never happens though.

    I felt my age yesterday....I had to show my intern what a typewriter is. I had to show her how to use a typewriter. I had to tell her that there is no delete key or backspace key, but rather a "correction" key. I had to show her how the tiny green writing under each letter is a code that can be used when simultaneously pushed with the "code" key on the typewriter.

    When I asked her if she knew who Scott Baio was....she replied with a simple, "No".

    **weeps silently to himself**




    To Pay, Or Not To Pay...?

    This may be my last post people.

    You might never hear from me again.

    I know, I know - difficult to swallow...grab a tissue for your tears as I explain why. Awhile ago, like 3 months ago, I wrote about a ticket I received from a cop...not just an ordinary cop, a highway patrol. They don't take shit from no one. Not even a cop's son who has a Clark Gable smile.

    I was going 10 mph over the speed limit on the freeway. Yes, I was going approximately 75 mph. Well, my ticket came due on May 24 for $123....now I forgot I had this ticket and what do you do when you don't remember you have a bill?

    That's right....You don't pay it.

    Well, May 24 came and went like one of Charlie Sheen's hookers and I didn't pay my ticket. So on Wednesday I get a new notice that I now owe $403.

    HOLY MOTHER OF MOLESTED PRIESTHOOD BOYS!

    Fuck that shit...a $300 delinquent fee?????? What the fuck! Well I don't want to pay that...so I rummage through my recycle bin and low and behold I find my originally ticket for $123.

    I grin devilishly as I write a check out for $123, make it out to "Clerk of the Superior Court" and pop it in the mail. Muahahahahaha

    We'll see what happens.

    Most likely I'll be eating dinner one night when all of a sudden a small plastic explosive will launch my front door back by 10 feet which then will be proceed with a swat team of 6. A two man team will come swooping down from a helicopter flying over head and bust through my window.

    I'm Mexican so they'll probably just shoot me on the spot, cause they know us Mexicans can run like a midget banshee. I mean seriously, how do you think so many of us little fuckers got across the boarder anyways? That and we can fit like 37 people into a hood of a 1978 Volkswagen bug. They have classes on how to contort your body to use minimal space in a tiny space while breathing through a straw in Mexico. I saw it on National Geographics. I was so proud to be Mexican after seeing that.

    Anyways...if my posting stops mysteriously, I'm either dead or making license plates while butt bumping Big Bubba.

    Wednesday, June 09, 2004

    That is....This!

     


    I took yesterday off and spent the day with Curly Top. A nice and relaxing day!

    We had our breakfast and after awhile of playing in her Princess Castle Curly asks, "upcorn daddy?"

    "You want some popcorn?"

    "Aaaaahright."

    Being that she ate a great breakfast and that I love popcorn too, I go into the kitchen and pull out the popcorn maker. I pour some popcorn oil in the pan, then some popcorn in and.....

    **POP**

    **POP**

    **POP POP POP**

    **POP POP POP**

    Then it starts going off like a machine gun and Curly starts chanting, "upcorn! upcorn! upcorn!" while she dances around in a circle.

    I tell Curly to go sit down and she runs into the family room and climbs up onto the couch waiting patiently for me.

    I get her a little dixie cup and fill it up with popcorn and hand it off to Curly while she says, "Thank you daddy."

    I ask her if she wants to watch a movie and she quickly replied, "Easy goin?"

    I stare at her trying not to have my frustration explode and yell, "Why the fuck do you want to watch that shit over and over and over all the time????"

    But I didn't.

    I just smiled at her trying not to lose my control as 1073 times you've seen Follow That Bird from Sesame Street, it starts to get a little old. I don't want to watch, Finding Nemo or Shrek or Monsters Inc. or anything else that I've seen over 43 times.

    Maybe a Shirley Temple movie, she loves Shirley Temple; however, I'm not in the mood to watch Shirley either...I would really like to watch one of my war movies, maybe Saving Private Ryan in honor of the 60th anniversary of D-Day. It would be a good history lesson and she'll be the only kid in pre-school who will know what FUBAR means.

    FUBAR = Fucked Up Beyond All Repair

    "Daddy? Easy goin? okay?"

    Easy Going is one of the songs in the movie sung by Big Bird (Carroll Spinney) and a little girl who probably ended up posing for Playboy. Either way though, they sing the song in a nice harmony and Curly loves this song so the movie is called by the name of the song and not the name of the movie, "Easy Going".

    Here's the chorus:

    Easy goin’
    We’ll laugh our cares away
    On this easy goin’
    Easy goin’ day

    I can sing this song backwards if you wanted me too. Anyways, I don't want to watch this movie in hopes of not breaking the all time record. I remember we haven't seen The Wizard Of Oz in a long time! Whew...I can enjoy that. If you don't remember this movie, Uncle Bob's son Andrew gave a nice review of the movie.


    Curly Top and myself are sitting together eating popcorn when the Munchkins start singing "Follow The Yellow Brick Road". Curly Top gets her Cuban motion going shaking her hips and sets her dixie cup down and gets off the couch. She then proceeds to start following an imaginary yellow brick road around the couch and promptly gets me to join, "Come on daddy....daddy? come on."

    I get up and together we start marching around the couch while Dorothy skips down the yellow brick road with the little midgets....errr, Munchkins sing.

    Follow the yellow brick road.
    Follow the yellow brick road
    Follow. Follow. Follow. Follow the yellow brick
    Folllllow Follllllow Follow the yellow brick

    Lalalalalalalalalalala

    Time for nap time.

    Zits R Us

    I put Curly down and make my way to the computer. I caught up on a ton of blogs that I haven't been able to get to in awhile, I had to visit a lot of blogs and do a ton of reading so I might not have left a comment for everyone, but I certainly tried heh

    After that I go into the bathroom to take a shower. I have all this free time since Curly is down sleeping and I'm not going to work so I start staring at my face. I smile big, and realize that since I've been outside my tan makes my teeth look whiter. Cool....The darker I look the whiter my teeth look.

    Now I know what to do during the winter, I'll just bleach my teeth and I'll look like I have a tan. Damn I'm good.

    Nobody Rocks Like Me.

    I start picking at my face and after awhile of that I jump in the shower and scrub up and get out. I towel off and while I was brushing my teeth I realize that I have a huge bruise on my nose now from picking at it.

    Dammit.

    Not like I have a perfect complexion but I sure as shit don't want a big 'ol bruise at the end of my nose that looks like a zit.

    Maybe I can give Rudolph a day off this year.




    After Curly Top gets up she wants to do flash cards. She loves flash cards.

    I flash a turtle...."What is this?"

    Curly - "That is tootle."

    Me - "Yes!!!!....what is this?" as I flash a dog

    Curly - "Doggy!"

    Me - "Yes! What does a dog do?"

    Curly - "Ruff Ruff!"

    Me - "Yes! Is this an apple?" as I flash a card of a hat.

    Curly - "Nooooooooooooo daddy, that is hat!"

    Me - "Yes! what do you do with a hat?"

    Curly - "Oh head" she says as she points to her head.

    Me - "What is this?" as I flash a picture of the planet earth.

    Curly - "That is....this!" as she points to the flash card.

    Me {chuckling} - "It's earth."

    Curly - "Oh earrrrrth." she says like she knew all the time.

    Me - "How about this?" as a flash a golden zipper

    Curly - "That is....this!" as she points to the flash card.


    So that is how my day went....nice and relaxing and I had a great time with my little Curly Top.

    So today, if anyone asks what the hell is on my nose, I'll just say...

    That is....This!

    Friday, June 04, 2004

    Weapons of Masturbation

     




    Get your name spelled out here.



    masturbation -

    n.
    Excitation of one's own or another's genital organs, usually to orgasm, by manual contact or means other than sexual intercourse.



    One of my reviewers from the Weblog Review, Odaat said, and I quote "I was left wanting more... the blog became superficial after a while and I ended up bored...... More substance and less swagger." So being one to always want to improve myself I thought that I would talk about some personal issues and get down and dirty with some personal substance.

    A personal substance, a substance of life, a substance of lubrication.

    If you've been a regular reader of mine, you'd know that I've often talked about tomatoes in a sexual manner. How does one use a tomato for sexual gratification?

    Gather around the fireplace my gentle readers as I explain.

    Take a tomato, cut a hole through the middle and pop it in the microwave for like 20 seconds, and wiola! You can have a fruity good time.

    Now ladies (and/or men), this isn't just for a man to do by himself, oh no....you can surprise your man with a little kinkiness as you give him a tomato job. Be creative, use your mouth, your hand, and of course, your tomato.

    Ladies, don't feel left out because BadMammaJamma suggested to me that a woman could use a zucchini. Oh the possibilities you could come up with using a zucchini.

    If you want a toy with less fruit and more power, you can always visit the wonderful site of Fucking Machines.com.

    There you'll find a Drilldo, or maybe you'd be more interested in a Goat Milker.

    The ideas and toys are endless. BadMammaJamma wants to see a Blender-Anal-Invader when I was discussing this subject with her. That sounds like it would hurt, but hey, whatever gets your kitty high is fine with me.

    Actually that sounds like a bar in San Francisco, "Blender-Anal-Invader".

    "Hey Lawrence, want to go to the Blender-Anal-Invader with me?"

    Hmmmm.....maybe not.


    The Substance Within Me

    So the other night, Ms. Universe is on TV. I didn't get a chance to watch the whole thing, but I luckily for me, I came in just in time for the beginning of the bathing suite show. God must have felt bad for me after ignoring my prayers during the B.O. Mambo.

    Ms. Australia won. Very attractive lady. Speaking of good looking Australian women, go check out one of my favorite Bloggers at Teejmahal - Red Wine & Vitriol. I got my very slick menu layout from her.

    So Ms. Australia won, which I have no problem whith her winning as she is fine as hell, but I thought Ms. Paraguay was absolutely beautiful. All the women were very attractive, but as I'm watching the show laughing as they try to answer questions while smiling and sounding like a complete dolt, I find myself nit-picking these attractive women.

    For instance, Ms. Costa Rica has one of the biggest mouths I've ever seen, Steven Tyler would be jealous her mouth is so big. I'm making sly comments on how this one's chest is to big for her body, this one's chest is to small for her body, her hair doesn't have enough bounce and crap like that.

    All of a sudden I've turned into Straight Guy With A Gay Eye. I mean really, I normally wouldn't care about shit like that, but I'm sitting there critiquing these beautiful women on minor details.

    I'm also irritated that Ms. Mexico isn't in the top 10....not that I thought she should win, or was the most attractive, I just wanted to see Mexico up there with Ms. USA.

    So even with the minor non-perfection looks of these women, except Ms. Paraguay that I was so quick to point out, I took the images of Ms. Paraguay, Ms. Australia, and Ms. USA and off to the bathroom I went with some lubrication to have a 4some with 3 beautiful women.

    After awhile of huffin and a puffin, my substance shot out like a midget in a cannon.

    So in honor of Odaat wanting more substance in my blog, there it was....all over the bathroom walls like blood at an OJ murder scene.

    Wednesday, June 02, 2004

    Ruffle My Hair & Spank My Pancakes

     


    **shoooosh**

    **tick dak**

    **shoooosh**

    PLAY

    Volume UP

    Rise & Shine, and give God the glory glory
    Rise & Shine, and give God the glory glory
    RISE & SHINE and {clap} give God the Glory Glory, Children, of the Lord

    "What the fuck is that bullshit?" I ask myself as I turn over in bed. The music seems to be getting louder as I try my hardest to ignore it and go back to my wet dream.

    Rise & Shine, and give God the glory glory
    Rise & Shine, and give God the glory glory
    RISE & SHINE and {clap} give God the Glory Glory, Children, of the Lord

    "Mother fucker," I whisper to myself as I start to get up. I can't have wet orgy dreams with that holy moly music blaring in the background. I sit up in bed wiping away the eye boogers feeling like I have a slight hangover. Hearing my mom belt out the lyrics of gospel music from the kitchen certainly wasn't helping my current situation of wanting to sleep more to continue my wet dream.

    I throw some shorts on and a t-shirt and stumble out to the kitchen. "Why the fuck do you play that shit mom?" Is what I was thinking, but I said, "Good Morning Mother, glad to see you so happy in the morning singing wonderful praises to the Lord" instead.

    You see, I was spanked with regularity growing up. I know shocking, but I sassed my mom a lot, and thus, got spankings and/or timeouts. I quickly learned though, that provoking my little sister to do stupid things that got her in trouble was very amusing to myself. My mom then learned of what I was doing, and it took me awhile to realize that provoking my sister only got me into more trouble.

    I was deathly afraid of spankings, I would rather take a timeout than a spanking as I would be sent to my room and I could play with my transformers or micro-machine cars for hours on end forgetting I was even being punished. It was like paradise. My little sister couldn't bother me and life was good during those timeouts.

    That all changed when my brother, who is 10 years older than me, gave me the grand advice of telling me to take a spanking instead of a timeout cause it's over in seconds and thus I'd be able to go outside and play. Hmmm, intriguing concept.

    My dad was almost home and my mom was cooking in the kitchen.

    I poked my sister with my finger.

    She pinched me.

    I poked her again and quickly make my way to the kitchen and just like I planned, she followed me.

    She pinched me right in front of my mom as she cooked. I screamed and started rubbing my forearm where blood was starting to ooz out. My mom turns around and I promptly announce, "She Pinched Me!"

    My sister cuts in, "He was poking me!"

    My mom puts her hands on her hips in a June Cleaver from Leave It To Beaver type of way and tells my little sister to go sit in the living room corner for a time out.

    A little blood and I get the joy of watching my sister get punished. Muahahahaha

    Nobody Rocks Like Me.

    Then my mom turns to me and tells me to go stand in the corner. I started in, "Yeah but..."

    My mom cuts me off and says, "There are no 'yeahbuts' in this house."

    It was my 3rd strike of the day, and I was going to be in for a long timeout.

    Spankings are over in seconds, take the spanking, take the spanking I thought to myself, the words flowed out of my mouth as smooth as Johnny Depp putting down America in France, "Mom, I'll take a spanking instead."

    "Well, I'm cooking but your dad will be home any minute, go to our room and wait for him."

    OH SHIT!

    It fucking backfired. Now I'm scared as shit, for I have awoken a sleeping giant.

    "Yeah but..."

    "There are no 'yeahbuts' in this house. Now go to our room and prepare for your spanking."

    I hear my sister giggling in the corner. I can't believe this. I start repeating the phrase, "Over In Seconds....Over In Seconds...." as I walk to my parents room to wait for my father. My brother has to be right....he's 20, and he knows everything.

    He's my hero.

    I quickly sneak into my room and put on two extra pairs of underwear. My mom wanted me to prepare by going to her room, think about what I had done, and to think about not ever doing it again. Well shit, I live in the real world and I knew by tomorrow I'd be provoking my sister again, so I was preparing for today by putting on extra pairs of underwear.

    I go and sit in my parents room waiting for my dad repeating silently to myself, "Over in seconds....over in seconds....over in seconds."

    I hear the front door open.

    I hear my parents talking to each other but I can't make out what is being said.

    I quickly think about escaping through the french doors in my parents room and living in the back yard for the rest of my life. I could sneak into the house at night and eat. They would never know.

    The fantasy of escaping and Robin Crusoe it in my back yard without my parents knowing vanished as I heard the foot steps of my dad walking down the hallway.

    He's only 5'6 but he seemed like a giant to me at 10 years old and his foot steps were heavy.

    **Toosh**

    **Toosh**

    **Toosh**

    **Toosh**

    I see the door handle jiggling and the nob turning.

    **Click**

    **Eeeeeeewin**

    There he stood. All 5'6" of him. The Mexican Danny DeVito.

    "Hello son."

    Silently saying "over in seconds" immediately turned into a blubbering "I'm soooooo sorry dad, please don't spank me....oh please. I won't do it again."

    "This is going to hurt me more than it is going to hurt you."

    If that's the case, let me beat the shit out of you...I mean, I'm the one that is being punished.

    He tells me to turn around and put my hands on the bed. My eyes are so filled with tears that I can barely make out the bed to place my hands on it.

    Then I hear THE Sound.

    The God awful sound that every child knows.

    The sound of the belt being pulled out from the belt loops from the pants.

    **Whop**

    **Whop**

    **Whop**

    **Whop**

    **Whop**

    **SNAP!**

    I take one last look at the window through my tears to catch a glimpse of the world before I die.

    Over in seconds had turned into a night of misery. Spanked

    I learned valuable lessons on that memorable day.

    I learned that I need to put on more than two pair of extra underwear the next time I was to be spanked. I learned that I need to punch my sister and not poke her. Lessons that have forever been engraved into my conscious.

    Over in seconds he said...over in seconds. Well I stand before you today my gentle readers, to tell you that my 20 year old hero brother was a fucking liar. Over in seconds he said. The damn pain lasted all night. He's an asshole.