Weapons of Masturbation

 

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Get your name spelled out here.



masturbation -

n.
Excitation of one's own or another's genital organs, usually to orgasm, by manual contact or means other than sexual intercourse.



One of my reviewers from the Weblog Review, Odaat said, and I quote "I was left wanting more... the blog became superficial after a while and I ended up bored...... More substance and less swagger." So being one to always want to improve myself I thought that I would talk about some personal issues and get down and dirty with some personal substance.

A personal substance, a substance of life, a substance of lubrication.

If you've been a regular reader of mine, you'd know that I've often talked about tomatoes in a sexual manner. How does one use a tomato for sexual gratification?

Gather around the fireplace my gentle readers as I explain.

Take a tomato, cut a hole through the middle and pop it in the microwave for like 20 seconds, and wiola! You can have a fruity good time.

Now ladies (and/or men), this isn't just for a man to do by himself, oh no....you can surprise your man with a little kinkiness as you give him a tomato job. Be creative, use your mouth, your hand, and of course, your tomato.

Ladies, don't feel left out because BadMammaJamma suggested to me that a woman could use a zucchini. Oh the possibilities you could come up with using a zucchini.

If you want a toy with less fruit and more power, you can always visit the wonderful site of Fucking Machines.com.

There you'll find a Drilldo, or maybe you'd be more interested in a Goat Milker.

The ideas and toys are endless. BadMammaJamma wants to see a Blender-Anal-Invader when I was discussing this subject with her. That sounds like it would hurt, but hey, whatever gets your kitty high is fine with me.

Actually that sounds like a bar in San Francisco, "Blender-Anal-Invader".

"Hey Lawrence, want to go to the Blender-Anal-Invader with me?"

Hmmmm.....maybe not.


The Substance Within Me

So the other night, Ms. Universe is on TV. I didn't get a chance to watch the whole thing, but I luckily for me, I came in just in time for the beginning of the bathing suite show. God must have felt bad for me after ignoring my prayers during the B.O. Mambo.

Ms. Australia won. Very attractive lady. Speaking of good looking Australian women, go check out one of my favorite Bloggers at Teejmahal - Red Wine & Vitriol. I got my very slick menu layout from her.

So Ms. Australia won, which I have no problem whith her winning as she is fine as hell, but I thought Ms. Paraguay was absolutely beautiful. All the women were very attractive, but as I'm watching the show laughing as they try to answer questions while smiling and sounding like a complete dolt, I find myself nit-picking these attractive women.

For instance, Ms. Costa Rica has one of the biggest mouths I've ever seen, Steven Tyler would be jealous her mouth is so big. I'm making sly comments on how this one's chest is to big for her body, this one's chest is to small for her body, her hair doesn't have enough bounce and crap like that.

All of a sudden I've turned into Straight Guy With A Gay Eye. I mean really, I normally wouldn't care about shit like that, but I'm sitting there critiquing these beautiful women on minor details.

I'm also irritated that Ms. Mexico isn't in the top 10....not that I thought she should win, or was the most attractive, I just wanted to see Mexico up there with Ms. USA.

So even with the minor non-perfection looks of these women, except Ms. Paraguay that I was so quick to point out, I took the images of Ms. Paraguay, Ms. Australia, and Ms. USA and off to the bathroom I went with some lubrication to have a 4some with 3 beautiful women.

After awhile of huffin and a puffin, my substance shot out like a midget in a cannon.

So in honor of Odaat wanting more substance in my blog, there it was....all over the bathroom walls like blood at an OJ murder scene.