The Art of Procrastination

 

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Some have it.

Some don't.

No one is born with it.

It's a crafted art that takes time to perfect.

It;s a flower that needs gardening.

A baby that needs to be fed.

An ass that needs to be wiped.

Yes, the ancient Art of Procrastination.


If you have newspapers dating to the last millennium, magazines from the Seventies stacked on your nightstand, and countless envelopes filled with family photos stuffed in a drawer, you may be carrying procrastination to an extreme.
--Marilyn Sokol, "Overcome procrastination - don't delay," The Record

The obvious danger is that in some situations [denial] can lead to procrastination in seeking help or to avoidance of action that might prevent harm.
--Shlomo Breznitz, "Hope and the Denial of Stress in the Nuclear Age," in The Medical Implications of Nuclear War

Procrastination is the thief of time.
--Edward Young, The Complaint: Night Thoughts


Procrastinators will rule the earth. We will take over the world and life will be good. Procrastinators are so efficient in their work that they don't need a full day of work that an overachieving work work work employee needs to accomplish the task.

Used to be, a worker had to work 12 hours a day. Then it was 8. Experts predict that soon, workers will only need to work 2 hours a day.

Why Timmy?

Because more and more people are getting better at the craft of procrastination. I am one of many procrastinators roaming the hell hallways of all that is evil that normal people call, "Work".

Work sucks. Yes, it is the Vampire that sucks the life, the enjoyment, the fulfilment one needs to be happy out of you.

Anyone who says differently is a either a liar, or they're.......Wait. No. They're just a liar. Plain and simple. Unless you are wealthy, you can't quit, you have to work.

According to statistics that I just made up for the purpose of proving my point on how much we hate working, 97% percent of the work force admit to calling in sick to work so they could have a day off, even when they are not in fact, sick.

Then there is your boss. The brainless twat who has the same level of intelligence you would expect from a small package of individually wrapped non-fat generic taco sauce. The dolt makes more money than you but doesn't know how to use the fucking fax machine properly.

You have the printer that.....now brace yourself .... that doesn't fucking print when you hit the print button. It gets jammed up more than a hooker with a wooden leg.

You can never find the stapler remover and thus, you need to pick at the stapler with your fingers eventually just ripping the papers off of the stapler tearing the papers all up.

You're the only one that realizes that the coffee from work tastes exactly like someone dropped trou and took a big steamy poop into the coffee pot.

You're co-workers are complete idiots always asking the same stupid questions. If your co-workers smoke, you get the pleasure of watching the emphysema pricks take an additional 5 hours worth of breaks during any given week.

Under these extremely & stressful circumstances, what can you do?

You carry files/papers while you aimlessly wonder around the office acting like you're headed somewhere. Sorta like Brittney Spears, it looks like she has a career and is going places, but she isn't going anywhere.

You sit at your computer and stare at the monitor.

You pick your finger nails with paperclips.

Surf the internet.

You blog.

You wait until the very last minute, you wait for 4:37 p.m. (or 16:37) on Friday to even look at what needs to be done. You cram a week's worth of work into 23 minutes because you are a procrastinator with superb talents. Yes, only a procrastinator can actually accomplish finishing the week's work in 23 minutes.

The Art of Procrastination is a delicate craft that takes time to nurture. You need to stroke it, take care of it be its lover.

Work hard and maybe, just maybe you too can have the luxury of waiting till tomorrow.


The Creed

I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.

If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.

I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.