Can TIMMY Come Out To Play?

 

---

Where has the time gone?

My last post was 3 days ago...I try to post on Friday's since I don't post on the weekends. I don't post on the weekends cause I have a life, which is why my life is better than yours. I mean...come on, do you honestly expect me to have a kick ass life if I'm sitting at the computer all day typing to you?

I got things to see, people to do.

Chew can be jelloeoloussssss

Saturday rolled up on me like Christopher Reeves. I planned on going to the city with my lovely mother to catch a show. We decided to take BART...public transit in Northern California.

The train's third rail propulsion power is 1000-DC electricity. What does that mean? Basically it runs on about 110 9-Volt Batteries.

Thats my translation.

Anyways, we get the tickets and sit down and everything is moving along fabulously.

Train starts, and boom shacka lacka boom.....we are coming up on our first stop....the conductor of the train comes over the loud speaker

**kuishh**

"No arigidng, Buinion Fity....now arifdljge.....Buinion Fity..."

**kuishh**

What the fuck did he say?

I look on the map and low and behold, we are coming up on the Union City station.

He was saying it so fast that I couldn't understand him....the fact that he was slurring more than Kirk Douglas made it extremely difficult to understand him as well.

Great, now I'll have to pay attention the whole way just to make sure I get off at the right station in San Francisco.


**kuishh**

"No arigidng, lough Faylard....now arifdljge....lough Faylard..."

**kuishh**

A quick glimpse of the map showed what Stuttering Conductor was saying was that we were arriving at the South Hayward station.

Deep breath.

I take a survey of the train and you couldn't get more of a stereotypical group of people together.

An Asian couple...the guy was wearing a t-shirt, "I love The Golden State", holding a camera...the girl had her hair in pigtails wearing some kind of cat ear head thing.

A black guy with more bling bling in his 4 front teeth than some small country's have total.

A white guy who looked so uptight you couldn't get a greased beebee up his ass.

A Mexican with a white chick. The chick looked like she just performed a professional wrestling match with a vacuum as her multi colored throat had blotches of hickies everywhere. She was carrying two bags and another duffle bag over her shoulder. The guy looked pretty hefty but upon further examination, he was really as skinny as Ally McBeal but the 17 layers of clothing made him look like he worked out. He was carrying a piece of paper that most likely was the schedule of BART making his girlfriend carry everything. My new hero.

If I had a picture phone, I would have started taking pictures of these people because I thoroughly enjoyed watching them sitting there.


**kuishh**

"No arigigng, Faylard....now arifdljge....Faylard."

**kuishh**

Hayward Station.

A new white guy that looks like he lives in the mountains with a full disgusting beard gets on with his bike. His beard looks like it has more fungus than a 2 cent hooker, and he immediately begins staring at my mom.

I look over at my mom who has her eyes shut. I look back at Grizzly Adams and he's still staring. So I start staring at him....I give him the "stop staring at my mom look".....not the "stop staring at my girlfriend look" cause I don't want to give the wrong message.

Stop Staring at my mom look is =|

Stop Staring at my girlfriend look is =|

There's a big difference.

Grizzly Adams finally looks at me and after about 3 seconds of staring at each other Mr. Bling Bling Front Teeth gets up and blocks our view as he is getting ready to get off at the next stop.

**kuishh**

"No arigigng, Gay Stare...now arifdljge....Gay Stare."

**kuishh**

Bay Fair Station.


Mr. Bling Bling Front Teeth gets off. Grizzly Adams now has pulled out some type of paper that is rolled up.

The train starts again.

My mom opens her eyes and Grizzly Adams immediately begins talking to her about the rolled up picture to my mom.

He unrolls the picture and it is some art on it. He tells her that it is all spray painted and blah blah blah....my mom starts talking to him about the art.

Sheesh.

**kuishh**

"No arigigng, Fake Mute....now arifdljge....Fake Mute."

**kuishh**

Lake Merritt Station

Grizzly Adams rolls his modern art master piece back up and gets off. My mom tells him to enjoy the art and that it is very nice.

I look at my mom and say, "I can't take you anywhere."


Cran, Vodka & A Splash Of Urine


We finally get to San Francisco and got to enjoy all the weirdos walking up and down the streets of San Fran. The delightful stinch of urine on the sidewalk left a "Wow, I'm Glad I'm Not Homeless" flavor in my mouth.

Inside the theatre my mom decides to go to the apparently only restroom in the entire theatre and wait in line for about 20 minutes. While waiting I decide to buy a drink.

"Cran & Vodka please"

Barkeep whips it up and says, "8 dollars."

HOLY SHIT!

I look in my wallet and realize that I only have $7 dollars.

Shit.

I tell the barkeep to wait and I'll be right back.

I go and find my mom who is just about to go into the restroom.

"MOM!....hey MOM."

She finally looks.

At this point I realize that all the eyes of the women in line are on me. Now I'm feeling very awkward ...especially knowing what needed to come out of my mouth next.

I pause not wanting to ask my question.

I close my eyes and let it rip....

"Can I have some money?"

She hands me a $20 as I snatch it as fast as possible and saying thank you as I quickly walk off.

I pay for my drink and lean my back against the bar acting all James Bondish and stuff pretending like I didn't just ask my mom for money.

Later my mom told me that after I left she got questioned by the ladies....

"It never ends does it?"

"You mean I have nothing to look forward to?"

"Men never grow up do they?"


This is when my mom looked at me and said, "I can't take you anywhere."