Why Co-Workers Plot To Kill You

 

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I hate working.

I don't want to work.

I stop working.

I've been having a "comment" conversation with Pisser, one of the best bloggers around. After the conversation ended with me saying, "I'm your daddy" I decide to go surfing the internet to make sure that all the funny and fantastic webpages are still operating at a superior level.

Where would the internet be without me?

After dressing Jesus up in a Giant Easter Egg & Space Helmet I decided to check out how my Pimps are doing over at Pimpkane. I make a few Wheel Bys since I don't have any lowriders and kill Pimp Silk's thugs off. Ha...

Its about 12:30 p.m. so I get up and decide to walk the halls aimlessly looking to trap unsuspecting secretaries into deep thought provoking small talk about myself.

The 3rd cubicle I come to the secretary is there typing vigorously as she transcribes a tape. I stand there for awhile staring at her with a smirk until my 6'3 shadow from the office lights begin to wear on her eyes as she stares at the computer. She makes eye contact with me and stops typing. I talk about Curly Top and her latest and greatest exploits but all the secretary wants to talk about is The Fountain Of Pee. I sent an email out to my Co-Workers with the Fountain of Pee story so now that is the topic of discussion whenever one of my Co-Workes sees me. Right before the story shifted to the secretary's life and her kids, I chimed in that I better get back to work.

Seven cubicles later and not a single additional secretary to be found, I begin heading back to my office.. Hmmpf.... They must all be at lunch taking a break from all the hard work that they actually do in a day. Well, thats okay....I'll take my 2 hour lunch in about an hour. I'll have time to eat on my 2 hour lunch break if I spend the rest of the hour before my break looking up websites and reading blogs.

I get back to my desk and launch my Internet browser and point it to my blog. I think about changing the title of my blog from "My Life Is Better Than Yours" to something totally kick ass like {insert something totally kick ass here}.

I get on Trillian and try to start some cyber sex with an unknowing grandmother of 8. Apparently she didn't know that Tomatoes and Foil can be used as sex toys until I came along. After being the only one talking for 4 minutes straight (and 4 minutes in a cyber situation is a very long time) I realized that I must have been put on ignore.

Said cyber fun with grandma of 8 got me thinking whether or not I could get a venereal disease from a tomato. So I hippity hoppity over to WebMd.com and type in tomato into my search.

The only thing close to what I was looking for was that Tomato extract can lower Prostate Cancer risk. Hmmm......so now I type in "Venereal Disease from Tomatoes " to get more exact on my search.

Your search on "venereal disease from tomatoes" returned 0 results.

Cool, I guess I don't need to use a condom while using a tomato in my sexual adventures whether by myself or with a partner.

Vital information for my gentle readers is once again found by yours truly.

"You Have Reached The End Of The Internet, Please Reboot"

Dammit.

None of my Co-Workers are here....the last time I was one of the few people left in the office I got involved with the "Infamous Diaper Scandal". I don't seem to fair much better though when the office is full of people as I have crashed our network in the past. Yeah, thats right, I didn't realize I had such super hero powers but apparently I do as I shut down the network that included 8 offices Nation wide and about 100 attorneys. How does it happen that I'm still working here you ask?

Simple.

I'm me.

I'm an overachieving ridiculously good looking worker.

Did I get in trouble for crashing our network?

No.

Was I spoken to about it?

No.

I can't help it that my Co-Workers hate me and are extremely jealous of me.

If you're thinking that it takes a lot of hard work and dedication to become an overachieving ridiculously good looking worker where Co-Workers are overly jealous of you like myself. Well. Then you're wrong. I don't do anything to be superior over my supposedly equal Co-Workers.

I just am.

Sometimes it is difficult dealing with the fact that I have a superior intellect that my Co-Workers can only dream of acquiring.

It's difficult, but I manage.

Some of my Co-Workers read my blog so this will just add another notch in the cubicle desk of reasons why they hate me.

If my posting on my blog mysteriously stops all of a sudden, please call the police and notify them that my body is probably hidden under a desk being used as a foot rest for ergonomical purposes.