Mechanical Valtrex
**rooooowoooooo**
**rooooowoooooo**
**click**
**roowoo**
**click**
**click**
**click**
"DAMMIT!!!!" I yell as I hit the steering wheel of my mom's car.
"What the hell did she do to her car?" I think to myself.
It must be the battery.
Not like I would really know. I know nothing about cars. It comes from my Mexican Danny DeVito father who one time, actually put soap into a '57 Chevy. The car ended up bubbling over and he was never allowed to touch another car even though he thought he was putting in water.
Whats that old saying? You thought you farted but you actually pooped. Or something like that. Maybe that's not an old saying at all and that is something I was just brought up on believing it to be a foundational principle of life.
So being that I was brought up with super Nascar knowledge from my dad I pop the hood and get out of the car. I prop the hood open with the little thingy and stare at the wires, metals, springs and fans in what the majority of people refer to as an engine.
I'm standing there staring at the hunk of metal when I start thinking how cool it was that Pisser was having lewd thoughts of me naked while eating nachos in the bathtub. I chuckle to myself. She probably wasn't really eating nachos in the tub. I mean who does that? Eating Nachos in a tub....then I start thinking about the people that would really do that and Pisser would be someone who would do that. Yeah, Pisser would do that and you know that Scott Baio sulks in a tub eating nachos thinking about whether or not he should take the job offer in a Valtrex commercial. Sad to say that it would actually help his career.
I spend the next 4 minutes while I'm staring at the thing-a-ma-jig under the hood wondering if the Valtrex actors/actresses have groupies. I mean really, they're on TV doing a commercial for medicine that treats genital herpes. You have a good looking chick doing something totally kick ass and independent like rock climbing, makes you feel like you're living through a civil rights movement again when all of a sudden the music comes on....
"LIVVVVVVVVIN THE LIFE YOU WAAAANT."
Then a really deep voice comes through over the music. "Are you embarrassed of having contracting a venereal disease by sleeping with the biggest scumbag piece of shit and thus yourself becoming the biggest skank in your neighborhood? Then you may need Valtrex."
Then the camera cuts away from the chick climbing the mountain to the bottle while the guy describes what it does.
"Valtrex is the only once-a-day antiviral product, which has proven effective in suppressing future genital herpes outbreaks in adults with normal immune systems. You now can continue to be skank slut."
Then the camera cuts back to the hot chick who is just getting to the top of the mountain with the sun setting in the background. She looks at the camera like she is talking to you directly, "Valtrex has been wonderful, when I have an outbreak it only last two days now. I use to be afraid to do things, but now I'm living the life I want."
Then she turns to stare at the sunset like she's accomplished something in life by contracting a disease that there is no cure for. The music comes back on strong....
"LIVVVVVVVVIN THE LIFE YOU WAAAANT."
The the professional fast talker comes on....
NotSuitableForAllAdults.SideEffectsMayIncludeDeath.ForMoreInformationContactYourDoctor.
Oh yeah...I so want to see Scott Baio in a commercial like that. That would be so rad.
Back to the heap of pieces and parts people call an engine. I try to jump the damn car and nothing happened....
I then decide to hook up a battery charger to get it going. Oh yeah, I so got this under control. I hook up positive first, then negative. 3 hours later this puppy will start right up and I'll look like a macho guy that knows everything about cars.
I go inside to grab a coke...err, a beer since now I'm a macho guy and wait out the 3 hours.
3 Hours Later
I release the negative first, then the positive. Oh yeah. Easy stuff.
Nobody Rocks Like Me.
I hope in the car and
**rooooowoooooo**
**click**
**rooooowoooooo**
**click**
**rooooowoooooo**
**click**
HORSE SHIT!!!!!
So now I got to get on the phone with this mutual friend who races dirt bikes and on the side, has a mobile unit and does repairs. So I get on the horn with him and he starts asking me all this technical stuff. I mean, crap like
Then I'm like....whoa buddy, I ain't no mechanic. I don't know what you're talking about. The guy takes a deep breath and starts talking to me slower, like using the same fucking words only saying them slower is going to help me understand what the fuck an emissions size grid lock is. Or whatever.
I pop the hood and then he asks which way the engine is facing.
"The engine is facing the hood...." What a dipshit.
"No, if you're in front of the grill, is the engine facing your groin or to the wheels."
"Do you know what Valtrex is?"
"What?"
"You know, I don't know which way the engine is facing. The specs on the girder is facing the spark plugs in a 45 degree angle....I'm retarded. I don't know."
"Okay, it helps if I know, but not necessary."
"Okay good, cause I don't know."
I give him all the information he needs and from what I told him, he believes it has something to do electrical. And then starts saying words that I have know idea what they mean. Mechanical macho beer drinking lingo.
Again, I don't know. I just give the "I DO" answers I learned so masterfully when I was married, "Oh okay....Oh I see what you're saying......I agree."
I hate mechanics, I hate cars. I don't know...okay, I DON'T KNOW!!!!!!
Leaking Tea Bags
After reading Never Threaten To Eat Your Co-Workers by Uncle Bob, where he talked about this Slush Powder that caused all kinds of havoc in his office, I had to buy some. Which by the way, that Uncle Bob post is really funny. Go read if you haven't already.
So I've had this Slush Powder in my desk for awhile when yesterday I decide to take a walk through my office and use my Slush Powder. If you sprinkle some of this stuff in a liquid it automatically turns the water into like this jelly instantly. It's awesome!!! If you like pranks, you got to get some of this stuff.
So the same secretary that wanted my Nagel piece of shit art was out to grab a lunch along with the secretary that sits next to her.
I couldn't have set the stage up more perfectly as both secretaries had tea bags in their water. The tea was waiting patiently for them to return or waiting for a Tall Mexican in Flip-Flops to leave a little something something in it.
I sprinkle the magic powder, that looks like anthrax into the cups. I hide the evidence and then walk over to Chad the Token White Guy from the Law Firm Click (I'll explain later). I was like, "Dude, watch the fireworks when the girls get back. I left a present for them in their tea."
Just then the girls get back as they were just picking up lunch and returning to work through lunch...those silly overachievers.
I quickly change the subject with Chad the Token White Guy to baseball when we hear...
"Oh My God! What the hell happened to my tea?" Sucker #1 said.
She walks over to show the other secretary (Sucker #2) who has yet to notice her tea and was like, "That is so disgusting!"
Sucker #1 then comes over to myself and Chad the Token White Guy and shows us.
I was like, "Ewwwwww...what did you do???"
Sucker #1 said that she left and came back and it was like this!
Chad the Token White Guy took a glance and said that is so disgusting! He then proceeds to help the situation by saying that he saw on "Dateline" the other night that these teabags were leaking and causing all kinds of weird reactions to the water.
Sucker #2 pipes in at this time and was like, "My tea did it too!!!!, and I drank 1/2 of it before we left."
Chad the Token White Guy said, "Just think thats in your stomach right now."
Sucker #1 now is really freaking out.
The two suckers take their cups to show management. I was like, this is so awesome.
Now I'm sitting at my desk when the two suckers come back with two managers. I hear them talking and they are totally confused and mystified. They're not sure if it was the hot water or the tea bags, so they decide to make a science project out of the whole ordeal and make Testers.
They pour 1 cup full of hot water. 1 cup full of regular water. 1 cup full of hot water with a tea bag. And they place signs all over the machine and next to the "Tester" cups.
DO NOT REMOVE - TESTING
For the rest of the day, every time I pass the Tester cups I laughed.
It was great...
Now if I can only see Scott Baio in a Valtrex commercial I can die a fulfilled man.
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