1001 Reasons Why I Won't Date You
I won't date you if...
1) If you are a child molester
2) If you are a psycho stalker
3) if your toes are hanging over open toe shoes
4) Funk ass smells
a - B.O. whether it is a medical condition or if you are just Middle Easterner, sorry - won't date you
b - Funk ass smells - bad sweat smell or just a weird natural smell
5) Weird looking feet and/or toes
6) Weird looking hands and/or fingers
7) If you have fucked up teeth
8) If you have a birthmark that resembles the state of Florida
9) If you are a Floridian
10) Bad table manners
a - how you hold your silverware
b - how you chew your food
c - how you use your napkin
d - If your elbows are on the table
e - If you talk with your mouth full
11) If you are a material girl in a material world
12) If you are to young
13) You say anything if I dress like a homeless person
14) you say anything if I wear a Hawaiian shirt with flip-flips in the middle of winter
15) You say anything if I don't shave for 3 days straight
16) You say anything period
17) If you dance like a stripper but you are dancing off beat
18) Deception - you believe there is a difference between a white lie and a big lie
19) You ask me a question and you already know the answer you want to hear (93% of all woman can't pass this)
20) You make things more complicated than they need to be (the other 7% of woman can't pass this one)
21) Your vagina looks like a grilled cheese sandwich
22) Your nipples are pointy enough to cut glass
23) Your nipples are flat enough to look like a silver dollar
24) You have, or ever had a crush on Tom Cruise
25) You have man hands
26) You like to wear 3 sizes smaller than what you should be wearing
27) You ever do or attempt to throw anything away of mine that is, including but not limited to, disintegrating shoes, shirts, pants, or hats.
28) You keep repeating the word "whatever"
29) You think prequels are wonderful
30) You are against blow jobs
31) You are a fan of condoms
32) You have a problem with pre-mature ejaculation
33) If you get upset if I try and fix your problem
34) You will have sex with someone on the first date (exception being me)
35) You make me late on more than 3 occasions
36) You have a problem with me banging on your boobies like Cuban Congas
37) You have a problem with me saying boobies
38) You are to stupid to sit down on the toilet without checking to see if the seat is up or down first
39) You can't sit more than 7 minutes without opening your mouth
40) You annoy me
41) You feed wild ducks
42) You don't like black balls (Pearl Tea)
43) You knock on the door while I'm taking a dump
44) You report me to the authorities for kicking your cat and/or small dog
45) You get upset with the word cunt in any context but can look the other way of all the other women derogatory words
46) You are a guy
47) You giggle like an annoying 13 year old girl
48) You are selfish and try to rationalize your selfishness like a moron
49) You have one eyebrow
50 - 1001) If you are a typical woman
1) If you are a child molester
2) If you are a psycho stalker
3) if your toes are hanging over open toe shoes
4) Funk ass smells
a - B.O. whether it is a medical condition or if you are just Middle Easterner, sorry - won't date you
b - Funk ass smells - bad sweat smell or just a weird natural smell
5) Weird looking feet and/or toes
6) Weird looking hands and/or fingers
7) If you have fucked up teeth
8) If you have a birthmark that resembles the state of Florida
9) If you are a Floridian
10) Bad table manners
a - how you hold your silverware
b - how you chew your food
c - how you use your napkin
d - If your elbows are on the table
e - If you talk with your mouth full
11) If you are a material girl in a material world
12) If you are to young
13) You say anything if I dress like a homeless person
14) you say anything if I wear a Hawaiian shirt with flip-flips in the middle of winter
15) You say anything if I don't shave for 3 days straight
16) You say anything period
17) If you dance like a stripper but you are dancing off beat
18) Deception - you believe there is a difference between a white lie and a big lie
19) You ask me a question and you already know the answer you want to hear (93% of all woman can't pass this)
20) You make things more complicated than they need to be (the other 7% of woman can't pass this one)
21) Your vagina looks like a grilled cheese sandwich
22) Your nipples are pointy enough to cut glass
23) Your nipples are flat enough to look like a silver dollar
24) You have, or ever had a crush on Tom Cruise
25) You have man hands
26) You like to wear 3 sizes smaller than what you should be wearing
27) You ever do or attempt to throw anything away of mine that is, including but not limited to, disintegrating shoes, shirts, pants, or hats.
28) You keep repeating the word "whatever"
29) You think prequels are wonderful
30) You are against blow jobs
31) You are a fan of condoms
32) You have a problem with pre-mature ejaculation
33) If you get upset if I try and fix your problem
34) You will have sex with someone on the first date (exception being me)
35) You make me late on more than 3 occasions
36) You have a problem with me banging on your boobies like Cuban Congas
37) You have a problem with me saying boobies
38) You are to stupid to sit down on the toilet without checking to see if the seat is up or down first
39) You can't sit more than 7 minutes without opening your mouth
40) You annoy me
41) You feed wild ducks
42) You don't like black balls (Pearl Tea)
43) You knock on the door while I'm taking a dump
44) You report me to the authorities for kicking your cat and/or small dog
45) You get upset with the word cunt in any context but can look the other way of all the other women derogatory words
46) You are a guy
47) You giggle like an annoying 13 year old girl
48) You are selfish and try to rationalize your selfishness like a moron
49) You have one eyebrow
50 - 1001) If you are a typical woman
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