Operation No Mas Culo Rojo
My G.I. Joe SATCOM rang in the late hour of 10 p.m. from the corner of my bedroom. The G.I. Joe SATCOM was in the corner because the wire wasn't long enough to stretch to my bed. I had to make due with what resources I was given.
Either way, the message was clear: Operation No Mas Culo Rojo was a go.
It was going to be a simple Reconnaissance/Body Snatch mission conducted by two operatives. I was going to lead the two-man team with my teammate Picosa.
I checked the black, non-reflective James Bond special operative watch that I saved 10 Proof of Services from Captain Crunch Peanut Butter cereal for on my left wrist. There were two
minutes before I was to meet Picosa in the hallway. I slipped my Lone Ranger black mask over my eyes and I waited in silence listening for anything that would compromise the mission. I held my own breath and opened my mouth slightly to help amplify the sounds in my ears. I could only hear the Bud Light commercials booming from the television and the party animal, Spuds Mackenzie. The body form of Picosa came into view. Picosa was wearing her infamous white ski mask that she drew spider webs on to simulate spider man. We made silent hand signals to each other that I would take point and she would watch our 6. I began to slowly crawl forward - the ground was soft, it was a nice padded carpet that was recently vacuumed. Picosa and I maintained silence discipline as we slowly inched our way down the long hallway in the darkness.
Picosa and I made it to the end of the hallway. We had to make sure that the Tangos watching T.V. were not going to be heading down the hallway to use the toilet and/or head towards the kitchen which was were our targeted victim was currently residing according to recent intelligence.
Picosa and I split into two one man teams. Picosa was to set up an observation post at the end of the hallway and monitor the tangos watching T.V. and signal me if we had to abort the mission. Sneak & Peak was my speciality so I was the one that was going to go in and conduct the actual body snatch. Using yarn, we were going to keep a snug tension between us, if one of us pulled on the yarn, it was a signal that mission failure was eminent and to abort. If one of us was captured, we were going to use a cap from a juice bottle that would create a "clicking" sound that we would repeatedly click to notify the other.
Our cover story was simple - we were thirsty and we were simply getting a drink of water.
I slowly moved out into the open as crossing from the hallway into the entrance and through the dining room were my body was most exposed was going to be the most difficult part of the mission. I moved very cautiously, and very deliberately. I moved in a circular motion from one point to the next to give myself an ever-expanding field off vision towards the tangos watching T.V.
My progress was counted in inches not feet, and I was glad as my night vision got stronger by the second. I could now easily make out the silhouettes of the tangos on the couch. One of the tangos moved and looked over towards me. Picosa gave me a slight tug on the yarn. I was motionless, my breathing was shallow. I could hear my own heartbeat and wondered if Picosa could hear it too. I was looking down as to not make eye contact with the tango as I knew that even in pitch black, you can always make out eye to eye contact. Finally the tango figured all was okay and was back to watching T.V. With sweat beads forming on my forehead I continued on with the mission.
I finally made it into the kitchen without further problems.
I identified my target for the body snatch. The target's name - The Lady.
The Lady was an evil person in Picosa's mind, and in mine - she was satan. She had to be taken out for protection in the future. There she was, in all of her evilness, I snuck up behind
her and without a sound from her, she was taken. The young boy with the black Lone Ranger mask would be feared among the natives of other kitchen utensils. I secured The Lady safely to my Batman belt that I still use from an old halloween costume.Using all senses to full potential and using all of your hair on your body as a antenna is extremely draining on one's body. I was exhausted, but continued to complete the mission at all costs. Picosa and I slithered our tired bodies back down the hallway.
It was a smooth mission with a clean body snatch - that my gentle readers, is what Special Operations is all about - when the enemy never knew you were even there.
We decided to keep The Lady hostage in my room, and I figured the safest place was next to my Victoria Secrete Lingerie Magazines. Victoria Secrete Lingerie Magazines were about as raunchy as a 9 year old-home-schooled-bible-thumpin-Christian-raised-with-a-strict-Mexican-father can get. They were good times though....good times.
There were weeks of freedom as Picosa, A.K.A., my sister, and I celebrated for weeks without The Lady present. Tango #1, A.K.A., my mom, made a new Lady to help keep Picosa and I in line.
Little did I know that almost 20 years later I would find myself forming an alliance with The Lady to assist me in raising Curly Top.
Here's a 30 second clip of an interrogation conducted on Curly Top to gather information about The Lady.
I really have become Darth Vadar and turned to the dark side by joining forces with The Lady.
God save my soul.
