No Asshole, I Won't Throw Them Away!
Since my birthday is coming up, I have been doing some thinking...always a dangerous weapon when it involves my brain. I started thinking about my birthday last year and the various gifts I received.
Last year for my birthday I was given a $100 certificate to buy some new clothes.
If you are wondering why, it's because I typically dress like crap. A typical outfit of mine consists of a Hawaiian shirt, a pair of jeans or dockers and a pair of flip flops.
So my friends decided to help me out and purchase some gift certificates in hopes that I may be able to be presentable enough to hang out with them.
I also received a $25 gift certificate to purchase a new pair of cleats. I still have the $25 gift certificate for a new pair cleats because I don't need a new pair of cleats, the pair I own are just fine. They have provided me with many spectacular athletic moments so why should I get rid of them?
Here's a bad polaroid picture of my cleats. The weird colorization around the cleats is duct tape to hold the cleat together since every piece of material on the cleat has basically deteriorated.
Recently I have been receiving threats to purchase a new pair of shoes and to throw away my current pair of shoes. The shoes I've owned since I was about 16 years old. If I'm not wearing flip-flops, I'm wearing these indoor soccer flats. Well, what use to be indoor soccer flats...they have turned into the most comfortable pair of Godsend slippers known to mankind.
I'm wearing these shoes today, so I took a polaroid picture of them as well for you. I will not apologize for the possible jealousy feelings that may arise from the viewing of my shoes that I have been perfecting for the past 10 years.
The final straw to people trying to dress me happened today. I was attending a baby shower for a co-worker of mine here in the office.
Let me be the first to point out that I hate baby showers.
They're a waste of time.
They make me want to puke.
They're stupid.
Office Baby Showers are exactly 7.3 times worse than a regular baby shower. The pukage factor for a Office Baby Shower increases by a total of 83%.
Please see the graph I drew below to prove my point:
So while I'm sitting there listening to the "ooooooh" ....."awwwwwww" ....."look how tiny" bullshit that one has to deal with while attending a baby shower, I also have to deal with the dumb office skanks that say:
"If you don't want to get pregnant, don't drink the water."
If you don't want to get pregnant, don't worry about not drinking the water, just keep looking like an un-kept fish smelling stupid tramp like you always do and you won't get pregnant. Or how about just keep opening your flea infested trap and spoutin stupid shit out like a moron.
"My Husband wants another one.....I'm like, 'why don't you give birth then.' hahahaha"
Shut the fuck up. Men need to go out drinking with their buddies while you stay at home with the kids cooking our steak to perfection. You're a woman, do your fucking job and stop complaining.
"They're cute now, but just wait, I remember when my child was like that but then...."
This isn't about you, stop trying to make everyone look at you and your unimportant stupid child raising stories. If anyone is going to get the attention, it should be me....so shut the hell up.
So while I'm sitting through this horrific experience of women gabble on and on and on about how cute and tiny the clothes are, I have my legs stretched out and someone mentions to me that I need a new pair of shoes.
Excuse me? First of all, why aren't you busy looking at the ugly cone headed infant while telling the parents their ugly kid is cute?
Don't tell me my shoes are ugly and should be thrown away, I've seen pictures of your kids and you don't throw them away do you? No, then leave me the fuck alone.
Yoko Ono, formerly Fashion Sunshine, tells me that she will take me shopping for a new pair of shoes.
What?
No....I don't go shopping, especially for something I don't need.
My shoes are just fine thank you very much.
Now get off my back assholes cause I'm not throwing them away!
Last year for my birthday I was given a $100 certificate to buy some new clothes.
If you are wondering why, it's because I typically dress like crap. A typical outfit of mine consists of a Hawaiian shirt, a pair of jeans or dockers and a pair of flip flops.
So my friends decided to help me out and purchase some gift certificates in hopes that I may be able to be presentable enough to hang out with them.
I also received a $25 gift certificate to purchase a new pair of cleats. I still have the $25 gift certificate for a new pair cleats because I don't need a new pair of cleats, the pair I own are just fine. They have provided me with many spectacular athletic moments so why should I get rid of them?
Here's a bad polaroid picture of my cleats. The weird colorization around the cleats is duct tape to hold the cleat together since every piece of material on the cleat has basically deteriorated.
Recently I have been receiving threats to purchase a new pair of shoes and to throw away my current pair of shoes. The shoes I've owned since I was about 16 years old. If I'm not wearing flip-flops, I'm wearing these indoor soccer flats. Well, what use to be indoor soccer flats...they have turned into the most comfortable pair of Godsend slippers known to mankind.
I'm wearing these shoes today, so I took a polaroid picture of them as well for you. I will not apologize for the possible jealousy feelings that may arise from the viewing of my shoes that I have been perfecting for the past 10 years.
The final straw to people trying to dress me happened today. I was attending a baby shower for a co-worker of mine here in the office.
Let me be the first to point out that I hate baby showers.
They're a waste of time.
They make me want to puke.
They're stupid.
Office Baby Showers are exactly 7.3 times worse than a regular baby shower. The pukage factor for a Office Baby Shower increases by a total of 83%.
Please see the graph I drew below to prove my point:
So while I'm sitting there listening to the "ooooooh" ....."awwwwwww" ....."look how tiny" bullshit that one has to deal with while attending a baby shower, I also have to deal with the dumb office skanks that say:
"If you don't want to get pregnant, don't drink the water."
If you don't want to get pregnant, don't worry about not drinking the water, just keep looking like an un-kept fish smelling stupid tramp like you always do and you won't get pregnant. Or how about just keep opening your flea infested trap and spoutin stupid shit out like a moron.
"My Husband wants another one.....I'm like, 'why don't you give birth then.' hahahaha"
Shut the fuck up. Men need to go out drinking with their buddies while you stay at home with the kids cooking our steak to perfection. You're a woman, do your fucking job and stop complaining.
"They're cute now, but just wait, I remember when my child was like that but then...."
This isn't about you, stop trying to make everyone look at you and your unimportant stupid child raising stories. If anyone is going to get the attention, it should be me....so shut the hell up.
So while I'm sitting through this horrific experience of women gabble on and on and on about how cute and tiny the clothes are, I have my legs stretched out and someone mentions to me that I need a new pair of shoes.
Excuse me? First of all, why aren't you busy looking at the ugly cone headed infant while telling the parents their ugly kid is cute?
Don't tell me my shoes are ugly and should be thrown away, I've seen pictures of your kids and you don't throw them away do you? No, then leave me the fuck alone.
Yoko Ono, formerly Fashion Sunshine, tells me that she will take me shopping for a new pair of shoes.
What?
No....I don't go shopping, especially for something I don't need.
My shoes are just fine thank you very much.
Now get off my back assholes cause I'm not throwing them away!
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