The Quickie Metrosexual's Obsessions
Emails I've received in the month of August:
Don't be upset about the errors of judging in the Men All Around Gymnastics that gave Paul Hamm the Gold. Everyone makes mistakes, they did they're best and that is all you can ask.
Signed,
FBI Intelligence Analyzers for WMDs
Mary Kay Letourneau did nothing wrong with the 6th Grader whom she mothered two of his children. She finally gets out of jail and can begin living her life with him. Age is just a number when love is involved.
Signed,
Father Pring of the 3rd district Catholic Church in Northern California
I'm absolutely appalled at the steroid scandals in the Olympics this year. Drug abusers should be shipped off to leopard island.
Signed,
Robert Downey Jr.
So what if Senator John Kerry was never in Cambodia and has exaggerated his war experience. It's not like he lopped anyone's head off.
Signed,
Scott Peterson
With all the attention and success that Michael Phelps has gotten in the Olympics, he better watch out for 19 year old room service waitresses that like to give blow jobs.
Signed,
Kobe Bryant
I was asked by Michelle of Region Broad, what my deal is with my obsession with herpes.
It made me think about a lot of things that have gone wrong in my life including
other obsessions besides herpes that I have. After sitting on the toilet for like 47 minutes, I have come up with a short obsession list that I would like to bring out in the open and "vent" if you will. So, here is my short list of obsessions:
Boobies - Cause they're boobs thats why.
Herpes - The viral disease that causes small blisterlike sores on the skin or mucous membranes. Mucous membranes sounds like a dirty hooker without any teeth that loves to give gum jobs. Herpes...the word rolls off my tongue like an old fashion name. "Hey Herpe, how's the wife and kids?" It also sorta sounds like a fashion statement, "Wow TIMMY! you are looking very Herpe."
Am I obsessed with this word? Or this incurable venereal disease?
No, I am not obsessed with this disease, I embrace it like a priest embraces an alter boy. The television is littered with numerous ads for medication that helps the treatment of herpes. I can't help but notice how wonderfully happy people are who are living the life they want as they have this disease. Watching these television ads makes me want to have numerous sex partners and never use a condom in hopes of getting herpes so I may be able to Live The Life I Want and be happy like the people on the television commercials.
I'm not proud, but I have secretly fantasized about going to a Herpes Medical Clinic and using the toothbrushes of the patients there in hopes of becoming as happy as I know they must be for having this disease. I've always wanted to take a once-a-day pill to help suppress genital herpes outbreaks. While taking these once-a-day pills, it would be a good way to drink my daily intake of water as well.
I want to be happy like the herpe people. If you have herpes, please send me your toothbrushes and used toilet paper.
Someday, I will be proud to announce to you that I have become a herpe. Happiness will no longer be able to escape my grasps.
Christopher Reeves Metaphors - I'm glued to Christopher Reeves Metaphors like Christopher Reeves himself is glued to his chair on wheels. I can't tell you why whenever I'm trying to explain something I use Christopher Reeves Metaphors to give you a visual. Maybe its because I was dropped on my head as an infant and I am completely demented for making fun of men on wheels.
How can you make fun of the poor man as he is a quadriplegic caused by a horrible horse jumping accident TIMMY!?
How?
How can you sit there and make fun of him like some kind of clown on wheels tour? Because its funny, so be like Christopher Reeves and just roll with it.
Taco Bell - The McDonald's for the Mexican fast food joint. You can't really call it food though as it looks like someone's intestines were grinded up and dumped in a tortilla. I can't help it though, I love Taco Bell, and yes, I have been known to spend about $10+ dollars on myself at Taco Bell. My favorite is the spicy or green sauce bean burritos. Yes, they look like the chef had a bad case of diarrhea in a tortilla with a squirt of alien blood on it but I love them like Christopher Reeves loves WD-40.
For $7 dollars of Taco Bell food, you can feed an entire starving village in Africa. This is where the World Leaders needs to realize the potential in Taco Bell. The world needs to come together and help feed every person in the world. We'll start with Africa, we need to start dropping, burritos, tacos, quesadillas, nachos, and a diet coke (because we don't want fat Africans, we just want tummy
filled Africans) all over Africa. This my gentle readers, will eliminate hunger on the continent of Africa once and for all.
The plumbing in Africa would be ruined caused by the ill effects from the burritos; people may die from dehydration from all the diarrhea Taco Bell would cause; however, no one would starve to death again.
Tomatoes - The fruit of a South American Plant. Oh yes, the infamous tomato. Once one learns of the vast usage of this fruit and the various positions you can find yourself in with this fruit, you'll obsess about them as much as I have.
I believe they should start selling tomatoes in whore houses and strip joints. It would definitely help save on various other lubrications and it would also help the whore houses & strip joints to make some extra money.
My ideas may be crazy, but I know that every time....as in, every single time you go to a grocery store and see tomatoes, you will think of me and say to yourself, "Thank you, TIMMY!, thank you for showing me the way of the tomato." That or you'll say, "I can never eat a tomato again you sick bastard."
Either way, you'll be thinking of me and knowing that is what helps me sleep at night.
Flip-Flops - I am the first Mexican to wear flip-flops on a daily basis that has never spent a day in prison. The Mexican Prisoners who wear shower flip-flops that get shanked for stealing a cigarette don't count. I am also the first Mexican that actually goes into the sun for enjoyment instead of for picking strawberries. Of course, I have been known to pick tomatoes for personal gratification, but never a strawberry and never in work boots, always in Flip-Flops.
Tamales - I guess my obsession really comes from one thing and one thing only. The Tamale Lady herself. My Angel....my Tamale Lady. Without her I wouldn't have such an obsession with these masa dough filled with meat wonder food of heaven. I wonder if The Tamale Lady makes Tomato Filled Tamales? Ohhh lala!!!! Oh the possibilities!!!
I can already see myself blogging about how I got fired for being caught hanging upside down naked in my office using a Tomato Tamale on myself.
Midgets - There is nothing more enjoyable in this world than watching a midget doing an Irish River Dance on your table wearing nothing but a sombrero. I love those goofy bastards as much as I would love a Tomato Tamale, and that my gentle readers, is a lot.
B.O (Body Odor) - If you want to make me puke in my own mouth, give me a hug with B.O. and I'll regurgitate some tamales....or just dance with me in a sleeveless shirt with B.O. getting the fuchi sweat on me. I hate B.O. more than Christopher
Reeves hates stairs. I would much rather sit in a room with a decomposing maggot infested body than having to deal with someone with B.O. The dead person can't help that they stink and are decomposing....but the person with B.O. can do something about it. It's as simple as taking a shower and/or bath and using this little invention called deodorant.
B.O. is a living growing, hideous creature that will latch onto anyone and anything that it comes in contact with and the smell does not go away. It will feed off of the innocent and if you hug someone with B.O., the smell transfers over to you and thus the evil B.O. curse will spread like herpes at a midget whore house utilizing tomatoes.
Catching Urine in Hands - Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat imagining Curly Top as a 60 foot giant taking a big long piss on me. If you are ever in a situation where a person or a child decides to take a piss on your carpet, think of me and cup your hands underneath to catch it.
You'll thank me.
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