The Cha Cha Penguin
I hope everyone had a faboo weekend.
I hope you had a kick ass-oh-my-god-I-won-the-lottery-type of weekend.
I know it is a Monday and what not, and typically I'm in a piss ass horrible mood, but today I received a check for $1,000. Granted, the check is already spent on bills, like, I need to deposit the check today because I mailed my bills out on Friday. Why did I mail my bills out before depositing my check? To make sure I don't spend the $1,000 on things like, tomatoes, lube, foil and other products I could use in sexual self gratification. Or I might have just ended up purchasing a thousand tamales or purchased an expensive call girl, which if I did buy a call girl I would break the world record in spending $1,000 in less than 34 seconds.
I am Mr. Quickie.
So I mailed my bills out on Friday and luckily for me, my check arrived today...either way though, its nice to open a letter and see a $1,000 check staring at you in the face on a Monday morning.
I think I'm going to make a copy of the check and mail it to myself every Friday so I can be surprised every Monday morning by opening a letter with a $1,000 check staring at me.
If you are my mother, please read the following disclaimer with the understanding that I love you. If you are not my mother, you may skip the disclaimer and join in the laughing at my mother's expense.
A Son's Disclaimer:
I hope you will never, as in never-ever-ever- find my blog as I don't want you grabbing me by my ear while I scream out, "Ouch mom, stop-it, ouch, don't please don't, I'm sorry, ouch...NO MOM! OUCH" and pulling me inside the women's bathroom to spank me for being a "Repressed Greaseball" who makes fun of everyone and then washing my mouth out with soap for using words that would make a sailor blush with shame. If by chance you do find and read my blog, know that it is my online journal and you are not allowed to read it. IT'S PRIVATE.
In regards to this particular story,
P.S.
I love you.
Man it's a hot one
Like seven inches from the midday sun
"Yeah...." I say as I turn up the stereo.
My mom comes around the corner and says, "What would you dance to this song?"
"Cha Cha" I replied dancing in place feeling the rhythm.
"I like this song, would you mind teaching me?"
"Of course," I said and then start counting so she can feel the rhythm.
"1, 2, 3, 4 and 1, 2, 3, 4 and 1...."
My mu equita my spanish harlem mona lisa
Your my reason for reason
The step in my groove
"1, 2, 3, 4 and 1, 2, 3, 4 and 1...."
So I start showing her the basic steps....forward basic, "1, 2, 3, 4 and 1..." then I show her the side basic, "1, 2, 3, 4 and 1..."
We keep practicing the basics until she feels comfortable doing it. Then I told her now we need to get on beat with the music.
And if you say this life ain’t good enough
"1, 2, 3, 4 and ok, here, we, go and 1, 2, 3, 4 and 1..."
I would give my world to lift you up
I could change my life to better suit your mood
Cause you’re so smooth
"Wait, wait...you're off beat. Your forgetting you need to 'rock step' which is throwing you off....the 2 and 3 counts are your rock step. Again."
And just like the ocean under the moon
"1, 2, 3, 4 and ok, here, we go and 1, 2, 3, 4 and 1..."
Well that’s the same emotion that I get from you
You got the kind of lovin that can be so smooth
" 1, 2, 3, 4 and 1, 2..... wait, wait..... OUCH!!!! ....stop!!!!
My mom is laughing at this point while she blurts out, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"
Now my mom has the giggles and starts laughing at everything.
She steps on my feet..."hahahahaha"
I grab her hands to dance..."hahahahaha"
When she watches my cuban motion..."hahahahaha"
When we make eye contact..."hahahahaha"
"Okay here we go mom...."
Gimme your heart make it real
Or else forget about it
"1, 2, 3, 4 and ok, here, we go and 1, 2, 3, 4 and 1..."
I’ll tell you one thing
If you would leave it would be a crying shame
" 1, 2, 3, 4 and 1, 2..... stop!!!!......mom, you aren't OUCH...stop!!! I said stop!"
"Hahahahahahahaha"
"Mom, you aren't doing the rock step. I think Gloria Estefan's should have said, 'The Rhythm is Going to Get Everyone But You'"
At this point my mom starts laughing so uncontrollably that she no longer has any control of her gluteus maximus as it becomes an ass trumpet shooting out air between laughs. As she starts farting she starts laughing even harder, which in turn was making her fart on a continuous non stop basis going something like this:
"Ha Ha" phbert "Ha Ha" phbert phbert "Ha Ha" phbert "Ha Ha Ha" phbert phbert "Ha Ha" phbert
The repetitive farts were like short burst of semi-automatic fire and if you took
the laughing away it sounded like a dying penguin struggling for survival in Antarctica.
Thinking that all of this is really funny and realizing my mom has no control over her ass trumpet I try to make her laugh even more...."Good God mom you sound like a penguin doing the cha cha."
"Ha Ha" phbert phbert {DEEP BREATH} "Ha Ha Ha" phbert phbert "Ha Ha" phbert
After about two minutes of blowing ass trumpet she started slowing down so we tried to cha cha again only this time I changed the count to "1, 2, cha, cha cha, 1, 2, cha, cha cha...." and all of a sudden she got it and was on beat.
In every breath and every word I hear your name calling me out
Out from the barrio you hear my rhythm from your radio
"1, 2, cha, cha cha, and, here we go, 1, 2, cha, cha cha...."
You feel the turning of the world so soft and slow
Turning you round and round
We were dancing on beat and after her giggles were out of her and all the air in her, everything became easier.
To make my mom proud of me, let me close with a prayer:
Dear Lord,
Please help me to never fart while I'm dancing with a hot chick.
In the name of the Rumba, the Mambo, and the Cha Cha Cha
Amen
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