The Squirrelly Feng Shui Office War

 

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We are in the middle of summer, the birds are chirping, the sun is out, women are wearing little clothing and showing a lot of skin....times are good my gentle readers.

My firm has this little pond behind our building that the hotel across the way maintains. It is actually very nice. Very soothing, very Feng Shui-ish. However, with a pond, comes ducks, and with ducks comes assholes who feel that they have an obligation to crunch up pretzels and various other crackers and leave them all over the ground right next to the staircase that I walk up to get to my office. It creates a very bad Feng Shui feeling....crackers all over the ground mixed with duck poop.

These same assholes have also adopted a little squirrel like it was a starving child from Africa. There would be food in Africa if Sally Struthers had not eatin all the wheat that the continent has received as international aid.

So now every time I try to go up the staircase to my office, I have to watch out for duck shit, and run from the courageous little squirrel who has no fear of running over to you and stand up on its hind legs to beg for food.

Why does the squirrel have no fear?

Because the crazy animal lover fanatics that work in my firm have apparently made it a personal goal to get the squirrel to eat out of their hands. Success was achieved a few weeks ago and now the squirrel has no problem running up to you and expecting the same treatment from everyone - a free handout.

When I walk to my car the squirrel will run between my legs thus causing me to trip over myself so I don't accidentally step on his fluffy little tail. Not only do I have to look out for duck shit but I have to look out for Rocky the Squirrel. I want to pick this sweet, delicate, fluffy innocent squirrel up and drop kick the little fucker across the pond so he doesn't bother me anymore.

I've declared war on these animal lovers that apparently do not have enough work since they are outside feeding the squirrel instead of working. They are outside taking breaks more often than the firm's chain smokers.

I've been thinking about getting a stuffed squirrel and tying a rope around its neck and hang him from a tree holding a sign, "This is what happens when you feed me"

Or maybe I'll put a hood over the stuffed squirrel, take a picture and email the assholes feeding the animals with the picture and tell them if their actions do not stop immediately and withdraw all food products from the ground, the squirrel will be decapitated.


Feng Shui Office Experiment

One day I decided that I need a new feeling. What can I do? I have a window in my office and there is plenty of light coming through my window so.... I wanted to give my office a new feeling so I got all feng shui and turned off my light.

So far the experiment has been a success....I have learned the following things with my light being turned off:

Positives

I don't feel like I'm at work

No one knows when I actually come to work

It's like I'm on vacation tricking my mind

Easy to fall asleep as I don't have a light blaring off of my desk

It gives me a very cool feng shui relaxation feeling

No one knows when I actually leave for the day

Negatives

Every fucking day someone comments about my light not being turned on

I guess that is the only negative.

At first it was funny, I'd make a comment like, "It's like I'm on vacation - I'm tricking my mind of not really being in the office" they'd laugh and move along. After about 5 weeks of not turning my light on, people are still asking if I'm a vampire, if my light is broken, commenting on how dark my office is, letting me know how surprised they were to see me because they thought I wasn't in since my light was off.

If I give in to the weak who some would refer to as my co-workers, I'll lose out on my feng shui office.

I WILL NOT CONFORM TO YOUR NAZI OFFICE TACTICS ASSHOLE - My light will stay off....I will not give in.

I will prevail...I shall begin to refer to my office as the underground....a place of meeting for the underground movement in the Feng Shui Office War.

I'll begin stockpiling rubberbands to make sling shots. I'll use my plastic butter knife to sharpen paperclips for my sling shots. I'll create a booby trap over my door using scotch tape and my scissors. I'll open my stapler up, and shoot staples at those that oppose me. During lunch hour, I will put on Rosita's janitor outfit and body snatch an unsuspecting secretary. I'll torture her with binder clips and draw "Lights Out" on her forehead with my pink highlighter.

As long as the sun rises, I will never turn my light on, and I shall be victorious in The Squirrelly Feng Shui Office War