Guest Post by Black Magnum

 

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A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A PIMP

The Scene: Camping, July 3, 2004, 1:04 PM

BLACK MAGNUM (answering blocked call): talk to me

FLASH GORDON: what's up nigga!

BLACK MAGNUM (surprised to hear from Flash & not feeling like such a PIMP): uh...hi

FLASH GORDON: oh, you forgot me already?

BLACK MAGNUM (would never forget Flash, best lay so far): oh, how's it going, haven't talked to you in a hot minute!

FLASH GORDON: i'm moving in.

BLACK MAGNUM (thinking will have first felony if Flash moves in): what?

FLASH GORDON: (thinking i'm better looking than that cat Tyrone): tell Tyrone you can't fuck with him anymore, if you don't tell him i will.

BLACK MAGNUM (at this point scarred, thinking of calling 911): huh?

FLASH GORDON: you heard me nigga! i miss you and i want to get back with you. i just shot my album cover and will start touring soon.

BLACK MAGNUM (yeah he'll be fucking every bitch in every city): what does that have to do with me?

FLASH GORDON: nigga! i'm gonna blow up soon.

BLACK MAGNUM (fantasizing bout cadillac on 20s and diamond earrings): what does that have to do with me? i loved you when you were broke.

FLASH GORDON (fantasizing bout cadillac on 20s and video hos): nigga! you know i want to have kids with you, the white house, the picket fence all that shit!

BLACK MAGNUM (on way to casino): i'm camping right now, i'm not getting great reception.

FLASH GORDON: nigga! i can hear you fine. stop playing. i miss you and i want to get back with you. i want to work on our relationship. i don't want to have kids right now, but we can start on it next year.

BLACK MAGNUM (Flashback to being prejudiced at the KKK 4th of july party for being half breed, kids will be 1/4 indian, 1/4 mexy & 1/2 black): what the hell, you can't just pop back into my life. (MAGNUM will now throw in analogy to make Flash laugh) we are at different levels, i'm kobe bryant and you were trying to bench me. nigga i was the supa star trying to get signed with you- you let me pass by and signed up Chris Mullen.

FLASH GORDON: whatever nigga, i'm coming over next week to pick up a key.

BLACK MAGNUM (wondering if i can get out of lease and move): you can't just walk back in my life. i'm already seeing somebody.

FLASH GORDON: if you want to ruin your life and have kids with somebody else, then ruin your life!

BLACK MAGNUM (wondering if life will be ruined if have kids with Flash): my life will be ruined if i have kids with you!

FLASH GORDON: whatever nigga, call me when you get back.

BLACK MAGNUM: ok-wait by the phone.

The Scene: Still Camping, July 3, 2004, 45 minutes later

BLACK MAGNUM (answering blocked call at casino): hello?

FLASH GORDON: are you done playing? where are you?

BLACK MAGNUM: i told you i was camping

FLASH GORDON: what's all that noise in the background?

BLACK MAGNUM: i'm at the casinos

FLASH GORDON: yeah nigga camping-i bet you're picking up all the brothas

BLACK MAGNUM: whatever-what do you want?

FLASH GORDON: you know we belong together. i miss you baby.

BLACK MAGNUM (starting to get weak in knees, feeling like superman with kryptonite): i can't talk right now. will call you when i get back.

FLASH GORDON: i love you nigga!




Disclaimer
The names have been changed to protect the guilty and prevent the authorities from finding the whereabouts of the above mentioned characters.