Juan Travolta Is A Metrosexual

 

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This Morning

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz puuuuhhhhhh

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz puuuuuhhhhhh


Watching I keep waiting
Still anticipating love
Never hesitating
To become the fated ones
Turning and returning


ZZZZzzzz......Ahahhhh.....

"Dammit!"

*Snooze*

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz puuuuhhhhhh

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz puuuuuhhhhhh

Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes

ZZZZzzzz......"what the???"

*Covering head with pillow*


And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever

"ALREADY???......dammit"

*Volume Up*


Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
'Cause I'd miss you baby
And I don't want to miss a thing

"HORSE SHIT! SNOOOOOOZE DAMMIT!"

*SNOOZE - snooze - snooze*

"Arrrrrg"

*Tossing & Turning in bed like a Rhino on a low carb diet*

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz puuuuhhhhhh

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz puuuuuhhhhhh


Now the days have grown to years of feelin' all alone
And she can't help but wonder what she's doing wrong
'cause lately she'd try anything to turn his head

"Hey I know this song....."

I immediately start singing along with the song while I'm in bed....


Buy me a rose, call me from work
Open a door for me, what would it hurt
Show me you love me by the look in your eyes
These are the little things I need the most in my life

I'm off key like Vanilla Ice but I'm blurting out the lyrics like I'm a super star diva while tears are forming in my eyes.

I sit up in bed and keep singing....

So I bought you a rose, on the way home from work
To open the door to a heart that I hurt
And I hope that you notice this look in my eyes
'cause I'm gonna make things right

For the rest of your life...

Wiping the tears from my eyes I turn off my clock radio and silently tell myself, "Oh My God. I really am a Metrosexual. I really need to change the station on my alarm clock back....this is getting pathetic."

I drag myself out of bed and stumble down the hallway with my eyes half shut bumping into walls finding my way to the bathroom.

I look at myself in the mirror, splash myself with water and rub my shaving cream over my face. I quickly shave and I believe I shaved off part of my sideburn making my two sideburns uneven....oh well. This has been a horrible week...I kept saying I could survive, but in reality, I didn't survive...I failed this week, I broke down this week. I mean, I'm living, but I didn't survive.

I turn on the shower and with my eyes shut I slowly climb in.

The hot water bounces off my cold tired body and I let out a moan like a middle aged man looking at a naked picture of Jessica Simpson.

I stand in the shower letting the hot water relax my muscles...my morning boner slowly starts dropping to the shower floor as I slowly close my eyes. Warmth leaves my body and I get a quick shiver. I look down and I realized I was peeing.

I was peeing in the shower.

Typically I would be upset, but not this morning, this morning the hot water took away all feelings but happiness and relaxation. I didn't care that I'm going to have to clean & scrub the shower down now....nothing matters, I don't even care that everyone says I'm a Metrosexual, in fact, this morning I embrace it.

Life is good again my gentle readers....life is good.



Two Weeks Earlier


I'm wearing a black button down shirt and a pair of khaki pants with my flip-flops. I strut into Tres Gringos at happy hour like I own the place and find my friends. I meet some new people and quickly order a cran vodka for 2 dollars.

2 Dollars? I order two cran vodkas.

So we're sitting there tipping some drinks back when during the conversation someone brings up that I can dance. Black Magnum from the Law Firm Clique (happy now Peeved Michelle?) starts calling me, Juan Travolta.

Juan Travolta.

Everyone starts laughing....I start laughing too 'cause hell, that was funny.

So one of the new guys I met, Ron, is talking to one of his female friends and they start talking about getting a pedicure. Ron then turns to me and says, "Hey, you know how when you get a pedicure and...." the next few words out of his mouth sounded like this, "....blah, blah, Boobies, blah, blah, Violence, blah, blah, Boobies, blah blah."

So the entire question from my point of view went something like this: "Hey, you know how when you get a pedicure and blah, blah, Boobies, blah, blah, Violence, blah, blah, Boobies, blah blah."

I stared at him while he spoke day dreaming of marrying Pisser just so I can see Cranky and in his Groundhog suit doing an African Love Dance with his electric toothbrush.

"What? No...I have no idea what you're talking about. I've never had a pedicure."

Ron's eyes grew to the size of silver dollars and in a shocking voice replies, "What?!?!?! You've never had a pedicure? You seem like the Metrosexual type."

I was ready to chicken scratch his eyes out with my non-pedicured toes like a flailing Himalayan Yak.

I need to make a masculine strong response to protect my manhood. A response that all feminist would hate me for.

I stand up and make a bold manly statement, "Just because I look like I belong in a boy band doesn't mean I'm Metrosexual girlfriend."

At this point Fashion Sunshine from the Law Firm Clique pipes in. "T, being called Metrosexual should be taken as a compliment, you can dance, you dress nice and you smell nice, you care about how you look."

"Honestly, I don't care what I look like, I grab a pair of pants and a shirt and put a pair of flip flops on, I don't even care if my sideburns are even."


One Week Later

ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz puuuuhhhhhh

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz puuuuuhhhhhh




Hey, girl, stop what you're doin'!
Hey, girl, you'll drive me to ruin.
I don't know what it is that I like about you, but I like it a lot.
Won't let me hold you, Let me feel your lovin' charms

"Aaaggggg, dammit!"

*Snooze*


ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz puuuuhhhhhh

ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz puuuuuhhhhhh

So never judge a book by it's cover
Or who you're going to love by your lover
Love put me wise to her love in disguise
She had the body of a venus
Lord imagine my surprise

I slowly turn over in bed still irked about being called Metrosexual. I start talking to myself, "Okay, there is no way I'm Metrosexual"

Questions:

How can I be Metrosexual when I don't shave every day?

How can I be Metrosexual if I wear flip-flops every day?

How can I be Metrosexual if I read war books non-stop?

How can I be Metrosexual if I love sports?

How can I be Metrosexual if I lead a dickhead life?

How can I be Metrosexual if my clock radio station is on a rock station?

Answer to all questions:

I'm not Metrosexual.

I get out of bed listening to my Rock radio station


Dude look like a lady
Dude look like a lady
Dude look like a lady
Dude look like a lady

What a funky lady
She like it like it like it like that
He was a lady


What the???

DAMMIT!

Its a sign, I need to change the radio station...I'm changing the radio station right now.

I find an easy rock station knowing that I can listen to the station for years and never recognize a song.

This I'm Sure Of.

Besides, I'll never have to hear Dude Looks Like A Lady on an easy rock station.

I make my way down the hallway to the bathroom stumbling and bumping into walls. I look in the mirror and think about shaving but decide against it wanting to prove my point even more that I am not Metrosexual.

I turn the water in the shower on and with my eyes half shut I slowly climb in.

The ice cold water stings my warm body as I let out a shriek like a 12 year old school-girl looking at a naked picture of Nick Lachey.

I start freaking out in the shower as I try to maneuver away from the freezing cold water hitting my body.

As I try to move the shower head and the icy water away from me, my morning boner quickly shrivels up and retracts into my body leaving two tiny raisins as the only visible part of my once magnificent morning boner.

The damn water heater broke, there is no hot water.

DAMMIT!!!!

As my teeth start chattering, I take the fastest shower I have ever taken in my entire life.

I towel down before hypothermia sets in and I finish getting ready for my day.

I schedule an appointment to replace the hot water heater, only it won't be replaced for an entire week.... A WHOLE DAMN WEEK!!!!

Mobilization of Operation F.P.T. is a Go

Face
Pits
Testicles

I'll take a cold shower every other day and on the off days, I will perform washing of Operation F.P.T.

This is going to be a long week.

Good thing I concluded I wasn't Metrosexual; otherwise, I wouldn't be able to survive this coming week....being the tough masculine man that I am, this week will be a snap.