Updates With Dear TIMMY!

 

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On my last post, I used the term "hero" very loosely. I just want to take a second and recognize the true heroes. The ones that protect & serve on domestic land as well as those that protect & serve on foreign land.

I also wanted to quickly point out a good friend of mine who joined the military right out of high school. He served and completed his 4 years in the U.S. Army and was back at home going to college. Months after Operation Iraqi Freedom was under way, a lot of the men and women were not allowed to rotate home because of the short circulation of military personnel. My friend put his college studies on hold and re-enlisted to join Operation Iraqi Freedom. His hopes were to take the place of someone with a family so they would be able to rotate home. That to me, is a heroic act.

I wear a flag pin with a yellow ribbon behind it everyday to support the troops overseas. I don't know why I didn't do it before, but I'm adding a yellow ribbon to my website as well.

Even though I used the term "hero" loosely, I have a ton of respect for the true heroes.

"We sleep safely in our beds because rough men stand ready in the night to visit violence upon those who would do us harm."
~ George Orwell

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Next thing I need to do, is send you to this post from the Rad Female TJ. The post is about the Olympics and it gets my vote for post of the year.

I'm going to our LA office next week on Thursday. Flying back on Friday. I contacted Bad Mamma Jamma but was informed that the Santa Monica area, which is where I'll be staying for the night, is sorta far from her. I'm assuming Pisser is in the same boat, but if there is anyone else in the LA area free on Thursday night that is close, let me know. I've been trying to track down a Latin Club to check out, but not really having much luck especially for a Thursday night. As long as I'm not The Grody Guy I'll be good to go.

More than anything though, I'm hoping that my boss doesn't eat a watermelon the night before and drink a pot of coffee the morning of so he doesn't fill a gallon full of piss like he did the last time I flew with him.

Old people are funny.

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It is well documented my displeasure of shopping at Wal-Mart. Yet, I find myself constantly returning to Wal-Mart like a priest at a playground.

I'm drawn to it by some outside force. Like God intended Wal-Mart to be some sort of sanctuary for me.

It's because Wal-Mart is a super store made for minorities and white trash.

Wal-Mart is like Welfare...the rich don't have it but the rest love it.

I HAVE A DREAM! - and that dream is to walk into a store where they sell food, clothes and electronics in one place and all are welcome except the rich honky fuckers.

The other day was a grand opening in San Jose for a new Wal-Mart.

There is only one official way to properly introduce the best Super Minority Store in the Universe for a Grand Opening.

And San Jose did it right by hiring a Mariachi Band!

¡Bienvenido a Wal-Mart! El hogar de la minoría y basura blanca.


I'm so going to have my wedding at Wal-Mart, and if you make less than 7K a year, are on welfare, have dark skin, yellow skin, brown skin, or any sort of skin other than snow white unless you live in a trailer and walk around barefoot, you are invited to my Wal-Mart wedding.

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Update Regarding the Law Firm Clique

Fashion Sunshine has left the firm.

She put in her resignation, and like any other good minority, she only gave a one week notice.

However, without her now, our Law Firm Clique is no longer.

WAY TO GO ON BREAKING UP THE CLIQUE YOKO ONO!!!!!!


Chad The Token White Guy hasn't been around much either. He's been busy line dancing and burning crosses or whatever white people do.

So basically with Yoko Ono leaving the firm, and Chad The Token White Guy busy....that just leaves three of us from the original Law Firm Clique....

TIMMY! - I still Rock.

Black Magnum - I'm trying to get her to start writing a blog about the adventures of dating a guy who can only wear Magnum Condoms.

Julie McCoy - I'm trying to get him a girlfriend.

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{Q}


Dear TIMMY!,

I recently came upon your website and I enjoy your stories, I find them entertaining and funny. I have a dilemma that I wanted to write you about, I know you are a dancer and I wanted your input on something. I'm a dancer as well and have been taking lessons for a year and a half. I really like my teacher's instruction, however, I find myself attracted to him and I think he is attracted to me as well. I'm not sure what to do because I do not want to ruin the good rapport we have now, but i really would like to date him. Should I say anything or just silently long for him?

Signed,
Veronica


[ Whether you're searching for Mr. Toilet Seat Down or Ms. Swallow, or if you just need sound advice, relationship and general bullshit expert Timmy is here. ]


{A}


Dear Still-Living-In-1951-Because-You-Won't-Ask-A-Guy-Out,

If he is attracted to you, then he probably hasn't asked you out because of one of the following reasons:

He is gay

He is currently seeing someone

It is against Company Policy to date students


If he is gay - you're screwed and you might as well just silently long for him. How will you know if he is gay? Well, he can dance, but you believe he is attracted to you so it is a 50/50 chance he is gay. The only true way to find out is to go up to him and offer him a Mac n Cheese dinner with a blow job. If he accepts, he is straight, if he turns it down he is gay as no straight man will turn down a Mac n Cheese dinner with a blow job.

He is currently seeing someone - You can confirm this information by asking the other dance instructors. If this is true, then there is only one option for you...you need to sabotage the relationship. This can easily be done by leaving lipstick on his lapel without him knowing so when he sees the other person, they will immediately question the lipstick. He won't have an answer for it and they will start arguing. They will ultimately break up giving you a free run at his emotional vulnerability being on the rebound.

It is against Company Policy to date students - this is a tough one and will take extra work on your part. You can either see him in secret which will take a lot of work; or, you can take the easier option which is the one I always take and is the advice I'm giving you.

Get him fired.

This can easily be done by transposing his head onto a pornographic photograph utilizing handcuffs, whips and goats. Then placing the photograph into the owner/manager's office without anyone seeing you.

After he is fired, you can contact him and let him know that you are on his side and you don't believe the photographs. Happy that you are on his side, you won't be able to keep him off of you. You'll be doing the horizontal hokie pokie non-stop like Paris Hilton.

If there anything I have learned in my short but kick ass nobody rocks like me life, its that you should never sit still and let life pass you by.

A life lived in fear is a life half lived.

~ TIMMY!