Happy Holidays

Operation No Mas Culo Rojo

My G.I. Joe SATCOM rang in the late hour of 10 p.m. from the corner of my bedroom. The G.I. Joe SATCOM was in the corner because the wire wasn't long enough to stretch to my bed. I had to make due with what resources I was given.

Either way, the message was clear: Operation No Mas Culo Rojo was a go.

It was going to be a simple Reconnaissance/Body Snatch mission conducted by two operatives. I was going to lead the two-man team with my teammate Picosa.

I checked the black, non-reflective James Bond special operative watch that I saved 10 Proof of Services from Captain Crunch Peanut Butter cereal for on my left wrist. There were two minutes before I was to meet Picosa in the hallway. I slipped my Lone Ranger black mask over my eyes and I waited in silence listening for anything that would compromise the mission. I held my own breath and opened my mouth slightly to help amplify the sounds in my ears. I could only hear the Bud Light commercials booming from the television and the party animal, Spuds Mackenzie.

The body form of Picosa came into view. Picosa was wearing her infamous white ski mask that she drew spider webs on to simulate spider man. We made silent hand signals to each other that I would take point and she would watch our 6. I began to slowly crawl forward - the ground was soft, it was a nice padded carpet that was recently vacuumed. Picosa and I maintained silence discipline as we slowly inched our way down the long hallway in the darkness.

Picosa and I made it to the end of the hallway. We had to make sure that the Tangos watching T.V. were not going to be heading down the hallway to use the toilet and/or head towards the kitchen which was were our targeted victim was currently residing according to recent intelligence.

Picosa and I split into two one man teams. Picosa was to set up an observation post at the end of the hallway and monitor the tangos watching T.V. and signal me if we had to abort the mission. Sneak & Peak was my speciality so I was the one that was going to go in and conduct the actual body snatch. Using yarn, we were going to keep a snug tension between us, if one of us pulled on the yarn, it was a signal that mission failure was eminent and to abort. If one of us was captured, we were going to use a cap from a juice bottle that would create a "clicking" sound that we would repeatedly click to notify the other.

Our cover story was simple - we were thirsty and we were simply getting a drink of water.

I slowly moved out into the open as crossing from the hallway into the entrance and through the dining room were my body was most exposed was going to be the most difficult part of the mission. I moved very cautiously, and very deliberately. I moved in a circular motion from one point to the next to give myself an ever-expanding field off vision towards the tangos watching T.V.

My progress was counted in inches not feet, and I was glad as my night vision got stronger by the second. I could now easily make out the silhouettes of the tangos on the couch. One of the tangos moved and looked over towards me. Picosa gave me a slight tug on the yarn. I was motionless, my breathing was shallow. I could hear my own heartbeat and wondered if Picosa could hear it too. I was looking down as to not make eye contact with the tango as I knew that even in pitch black, you can always make out eye to eye contact. Finally the tango figured all was okay and was back to watching T.V. With sweat beads forming on my forehead I continued on with the mission.

I finally made it into the kitchen without further problems.

I identified my target for the body snatch. The target's name - The Lady.

The Lady was an evil person in Picosa's mind, and in mine - she was satan. She had to be taken out for protection in the future. There she was, in all of her evilness, I snuck up behind her and without a sound from her, she was taken. The young boy with the black Lone Ranger mask would be feared among the natives of other kitchen utensils. I secured The Lady safely to my Batman belt that I still use from an old halloween costume.

Using all senses to full potential and using all of your hair on your body as a antenna is extremely draining on one's body. I was exhausted, but continued to complete the mission at all costs. Picosa and I slithered our tired bodies back down the hallway.

It was a smooth mission with a clean body snatch - that my gentle readers, is what Special Operations is all about - when the enemy never knew you were even there.

We decided to keep The Lady hostage in my room, and I figured the safest place was next to my Victoria Secrete Lingerie Magazines. Victoria Secrete Lingerie Magazines were about as raunchy as a 9 year old-home-schooled-bible-thumpin-Christian-raised-with-a-strict-Mexican-father can get. They were good times though....good times.

There were weeks of freedom as Picosa, A.K.A., my sister, and I celebrated for weeks without The Lady present. Tango #1, A.K.A., my mom, made a new Lady to help keep Picosa and I in line.

Little did I know that almost 20 years later I would find myself forming an alliance with The Lady to assist me in raising Curly Top.

Here's a 30 second clip of an interrogation conducted on Curly Top to gather information about The Lady.





I really have become Darth Vadar and turned to the dark side by joining forces with The Lady.

God save my soul.

Short Videos of Curly Top

I raised a total of $209.35 for Mad Maxine...well short of my $1,000 goal; however, I've decided that I won't be reaching my goal and I need to move on with my life lol - I've added an extra $50.65 to bring the total to $260. Thank you again to everyone, EVERYONE who donated. I really, really - appreciate it. While I'm sure that some guy down the road who wanted a gum-job won't be as pleased, I'm sure Mad Maxine will be very happy.

=============================

I was planning on writing a funny article around father's day - Curly Top and I pray everynight and I was going to incorporate a video of her praying before bedtime and was going to be making faces without her knowing....

First half of the prayer is for her immediate family and then some other family members of her choice and then we pray for all the soldiers and two in specific. Even though the two specific soldiers she prays for have returned home safely she still insists on praying for them - the second half of the prayer we pray about being grateful for things.

My master plan was going well up until Curly Top realizes that I'm recording her - how she busted me is pretty funny. So here is this clip and I cut the video off after the soldiers because the whole prayer now is screwed up because she realizes she is on camera - Daddy's little actress. Click the picture for the video:







Another Video of Curly Top:





This was on 4th of July and Curly Top's first baseball game - I love baseball and I love our minor league team here in San Jose because you are so close to the action and it is pure baseball. Watch Curly Top and some of her reactions to the fireworks at the end of the game:

Sean Penn Is My Hero

"Whatever I can do to help." Where the words spoken by the amazing and heroic Sean Penn. I want to grow up to be just like Sean Penn - playing mentally retarded characters being manipulated by everyone around him to taking a boat with a hole in the bottom as I try and save people. Of course, I would not be saving people without my personal photographer to make sure I get the recognition that I deserve.

Yes my gentle readers, Sean Penn is my hero.

New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin said the death toll could reach up to ten thousand caused by the horrific hurricane Katrina. The death toll could have been even higher if it wasn't for the almost heroic Sean Penn.

The political activist/movie actor took a boat to New Orleans to help those that he could - sadly, his boat began to leak because he forgot to plug a hole in the bottom. He just wasn't thinking - his mind was pre-occupied with making sure his personal photographer he brought with him to take pictures of him saving people was safe; because, that film was his link to show how much of a wonderful caring human being he truly is.

Thank God for the bravery of personal photographers to go to horrible places to prove to the general public that the people they are filming are angelically amazing humanitarians.

Some day I hope to be rich and famous so I too may be able to hire a personal photographer to film my great and un-selfish deeds to share to the world so I can be nominated for awards that I would deserve. Yes, someday I want to shove my personal beliefs and opinions down people's throats and have my personal photographer taking pictures of me pretending to be heroic because I have to continually prove that I do care about people instead of just doing it without wanting recognition.

That is what I am shooting for...maybe if I shoot for the moon I'll land on a star and be able to get publicity for being a moron by not plugging a hole in my boat while real people are dying...I can dream can't I?

I'm going to sleep well tonight knowing that Sean Penn and his personal photographer are out doing whatever he can do to help because Sean Penn is my hero.

RTS War on Terror Chat Room

If the war on terror was fought online in RTS (real time strategy) this is what the chat room would be like:



**osama_hasbeen_laid has joined the game**
**ahmed_shah_mass00d[NA] has joined the game**
**ge8rge_W_b00sh has joined the game**
osama_hasbeen_laid: wuz up fools
**donnie_luvs_rum has joined the game**
**mullah_000mar has joined the game**
**coolin_power has joined the game**
ge8rge_W_b00sh: hello
donnie_luvs_rum: y0
**jacques_chiropractor26 has joined the game**
mullah_00mar: hey
ahmed_shah_mass00d[NA]: wut r we playin 2day
**tony_da_tig8r[UK] has joined the game**
osama_hasbeen_laid: wut cuntry is NA?
**vlad_puddin has joined the game**
ahmed_shah_mass00d[NA]: wut r u talkin about?
osama_hasbeen_laid: the tag on ur nic dumbass
**gerhard_xxxx has joined the game**
mullah_00mar: lol
tony_da_tig8r[UK]: ello
ahmed_shah_mass00d[NA]: ohhhhhhhhhh ....aint a cuntry it s my clan stands 4 northern alliance
osama_hasbeen_laid: dats gay dood
ge8rge_W_b00sh: Hi coolin_power, I have not seen you in awhile, it's good to see you again my friend.
coolin_power: yo
mullah_00mar: northern alliance is a stoopid clan name dude, u should go with somthin cool like [AQ] al qaeda
**jose_josb_josc_josd[ES] has joined the game**
jose_josb_josc_josd[ES]: holla
coolin_power: al reminds me of my uncle and qaueda sounds like something he shit out lol
donnie_luvs_rum: lmfao
ge8rge_W_b00sh: That was funny - lol
mullah_00mar: fuk all of u ..ur going to pay for that fukkers
coolin_power: whatever fag
ahmed_shah_mass00d[NA]: 4 realz guys wut r we playin?
osama_hasbeen_laid: mullah watch this
*ahmed_shah_mass00d[NA] has left the game**
osama_hasbeen_laid: lol fukin n00b
mullah_00mar: lol u rock...dood come hang out with me
osama_hasbeen_laid: k
jacques_chiropractor26: tuff luck on the world cup loss 2 brazil gerhard
tony_da_tig8r[UK]: tough luck? they got ther arses handed 2 'em mate
gerhard_xxxx: least we weren't eliminated in the 1st round like france lmao
vlad_puddin: lol
coolin_power: WTF???
donnie_luvs_rum: HOLY SHEET!!!!!!
ge8rge_W_b00sh: Oh my God
osama_hasbeen_laid: ROTFL
coolin_power: dats bullsh1t
mullah_00mar: niceeeeeeee - take that beeeyiotches
tony_da_tig8r[UK]: not cool mate
vlad_puddin: d00d that was so wrong
coolin_power: fuk u mutha fukkers
jose_josb_josc_josd[ES]: eeeejole not nice amigos
jacques_chiropractor26: what a dick
tony_da_tig8r[UK]: spotted dick?
coolin_power: fag
gerhard_xxxx: lol
ge8rge_W_b00sh: There will be retribution to be paid osama_hasbeen_laid
donnie_luvs_rum: we'll see whos the biotch - beeeeeeyaotch
ge8rge_W_b00sh: mullah_00mar, please tell us where osama_hasbeen_laid is on the map
mullah_00mar: fuk u america sux
coolin_power: u little faggots we r going to kick ur bitch asses
**tommy_da_frank has joined the game**
mullah_00mar: fuk off
donnie_luvs_rum: wuts up tommy we need u to go kick some turbin ass
osama_hasbeen_laid: we aint skeeeeerd fags
gerhard_xxxx: lol @ turbin ass
ge8rge_W_b00sh: Tell us on the map where osama_hasbeen_laid is.
tony_da_tig8r[UK]: i'll help
coolin_power: kewl
mullah_00mar: dont even try 2 come near m
.
.
.
**mullah_00mar has left the game**
osama_hasbeen_laid: wtf?
tommy_da_frank: muahahahahahahahahahaha losers
jacques_chiropractor26: how did u do that so fast?
coolin_power: its called, not being a pussy u french fag
tony_da_tig8r[UK]: lol ^5
gerhard_xxxx: fockin cheats!!!!
vlad_puddin: ya fukin hackers
ge8rge_W_b00sh: What is ^5 tony_da_tig8r[UK]?
tony_da_tig8r[UK]: ^5 = high five
vlad_puddin: AMERICA HACKS
coolin_power: stoopid brit
donnie_luvs_rum: vlads just jealous causee he cant score on a fat chick on prom nite
coolin_power: lmao
**saDDam_n_GomoRRah has joined the game**
**meday_uday has joined the game**
jacques_chiropractor26: doods -- dont play, america is hacking
**qu-say_i-say_we-all-say has joined the game**
coolin_power: fuk u
saDDam_n_GomoRRah: sweet i got bombs already
donnie_luvs_rum: how the fuk did u get bombs?
**agent_chemical_ali has joined the game**
jose_josb_josc_josd[ES]: i like tacos
tony_da_tig8r[UK]: AFK -- tea time
ge8rge_W_b00sh: saDDam_n_GomoRRah, please explain what type of bombs you have.
qu-say_i-say_we-all-say: bombs? shyt, i want 2 to join ur army
coolin_power: u better tell us saddam or else
meday_uday: i want 2 join army too
saDDam_n_GomoRRah: or what? i'll bitch slap u like the ho u r
**hans_bliXXX has joined the game**
hans_bliXXX: I'm Hans Blix
coolin_power: lol u mean hans bitch
donnie_luvs_rum: lmao
ge8rge_W_b00sh: Or Hans Solo, I love that movie.
saDDam_n_GomoRRah: okay u can join my army as long as u call me daddy
vlad_puddin: fukkin hackers
**tony_da_tig8r[UK] is now idle**
hans_bliXXX: I'm Hans Blix
jacques_chiropractor26: blix use some turns up n check out saddam for us
gerhard_xxxx: thats good idea
vlad_puddin: gerhard, why do u have 4xs on ur nic?
coolin_power: probably the number of jews he killed
gerhard_xxxx: fuk off
donnie_luvs_rum: dood that was wrong but funny lol
hans_bliXXX: I'm Hans Blix
ge8rge_W_b00sh: This is taking to long
jacques_chiropractor26: give it some time fag
saDDam_n_GomoRRah: i jjust want 2 rank...no fighting
gerhard_xxxx: what about osama?
ge8rge_W_b00sh: Who?
coolin_power: hes dead
vlad_puddin: then why is he still logged into the game?
donnie_luvs_rum: a glitch
jacques_chiropractor26: sounds like more hacking 2 me
vlad_puddin: AMERICA HACKS
jose_josb_josc_josd[ES]: i like burritos
tony_da_tig8r[UK]: I'm back whqts going on?
ge8rge_W_b00sh: Welcome back.
coolin_power: wb
donnie_luvs_rum: wb
tony_da_tig8r[UK]: thx guys
coolin_power: i just sent everyone an email showing the bombs of saddam
jacques_chiropractor26: u guys get osama email?
donnie_luvs_rum: what email
gerhard_xxxx: yeah i got it sade hes still going 2 kick US arse
coolin_power: then were the fook is he?
vlad_puddin: coolin_power that email is bullshyt .....that doesnt prove shyt
coolin_power: yes it does
jacques_chiropractor26: dood that email was a bunch of nonsense
ge8rge_W_b00sh: tommy_da_frank, get a soldier and attack saDDam_n_GomoRRah.
tommy_da_frank: let me call my gf 2 help
jacques_chiropractor26: stop cheating
coolin_power: we can call 4 more help fag
vlad_puddin: AMERICA HACKS
hans_bliXXX: I'm Hans Blix
donnie_luvs_rum: hans bitch u havnt helped at all
hans_bliXXX: I'm Hans Blix
coolin_power: dood cut the shyt
jacques_chiropractor26: we should list1n 2 him
gerhard_xxxx: i agree
coolin_power: u would u fukin nazi
gerhard_xxxx: fuk u
hans_bliXXX: I'm Hans Blix
**hans_bliXXX has left the game**
**jezzica_lynch69 has joined the game**
tommy_da_frank: hey cutie, i need u 2 go with me 2 remove some turbins lol
gerhard_xxxx: u guys r lame
**gerhard_xxxx has left he game**
vlad_puddin: AMERICA HACKS
vlad_puddin: AMERICA HACKS
vlad_puddin: AMERICA HACKS
**vlad_puddin has left the game**
donnie_luvs_rum: loooosars
**agent_chemical_ali has left the game**
saDDam_n_GomoRRah: jacques dood stop the american attack... i thought we had an agreement
jacques_chiropractor26: shutup dood
ge8rge_W_b00sh: What do you mean agreement?
tony_da_tig8r[UK]: thats what team talk is 4 n00bs
jacques_chiropractor26: this game sux arse
**jacques_chiropractor26 has left the game**
jezzica_lynch69: i cant move my mouse
meday_uday: bwwwhahahahaha
qu-say_i-say_we-all-say: lol we rock
tommy_da_frank: hang in there babe
jose_josb_josc_josd[ES]: i like enchiladas
meday_uday: wtf i didnt click there!!!!
qu-say_i-say_we-all-say: FUK!!!!!!!!!
donnie_luvs_rum: rotfllolololol
coolin_power: OMG LMAO
tommy_da_frank: n00bs lol
meday_uday: all of u are fags
**meday_uday has left the game**
qu-say_i-say_we-all-say: i want a new team next tyme l8er
**qu-say_i-say_we-all-say has left the game**
tommy_da_frank: there u go babe
jezzica_lynch69: thx, i have to go to skool now bbl
**jezzica_lynch69 has left the game**
saDDam_n_GomoRRah: wtf my teammates are n00bs
ge8rge_W_b00sh: Mission Accomplished
coolin_power: wtf b00sh? we havent won yet
donnie_luvs_rum: his lips are just burning from the crack pipe
tommy_da_frank: lol
jose_josb_josc_josd[ES]: I like tortillas
saDDam_n_GomoRRah: ne1 want 2 play commando generals with me?
tommy_da_frank: okay i'm out
**tommy has left the game**
coolin_power: i'v ruled this game 4 years in a row, i'm done playing
coolin_power: l8er fools
**coolin_power has left the game**
saDDam_n_GomoRRah: come on lets play generals
**jose_josb_josc_josd[ES] has left the game**
saDDam_n_GomoRRah: i hate u fags
**saDDam_n_GomoRRah has left the game**
ge8rge_W_b00sh: Why haven't we won the game yet?
donnie_luvs_rum: it still shows osama_hasbeen_laid being logged in
ge8rge_W_b00sh: Who's osama_hasbeen_laid?
donnie_luvs_rum: fuker is probably hiding off the map
ge8rge_W_b00sh: We can't win if we don't kill him.
donnie_luvs_rum: ah fuk it
**donnie_luvs_rum has left the game**
ge8rge_W_b00sh: osama_hasbeen_laid?
ge8rge_W_b00sh: I'll just tell my friends we won.
**ge8rge_W_b00sh has left the game**

Benefit Show

If you are in the Bay Area, then you may want to attend a benefit show raising money to help the toothless wonder, Mad Maxine, the vicious Derby Girl who got her teeth knocked out.

It will be this Sunday, (July 24th) at the Golden Bull in Oakland.

Doors Open at 6:00, show will be at 7:00
$5 - $20 Sliding scale admission
@ The Golden Bull - 412 14th Street @ Broadway Downtown Oakland
HERE'S THE LINE-UP, IN ORDER OF APPEARANCE -

COMPTON SF
THE GOLDEN GODS
THE NIGHTCRAWLERS
And
THE CLIFTONS

Mad Maxine herself will be doing a raffle in-between The Nightcrawlers and The Cliftons performance.

From the mouth of Derby Girl herself, "I'VE GOT A BUNCH OF FUCKIN RAD SHIT TO RAFFLE OFF! I'M SUPER EXCITED!!! SO COME ON OUT AND HAVE A HELL OF A TIME!"

Click Here For the Official Flyer


I'm still a ways off from meeting my goal in helping her; so, I am offering up my email server to you. You can purchase a lifetime email at fountain of pee which would include:

YourName@fountainofpee.com
2 GB of Storage
Virus Protection.
Spam Protection
No Advertising on outgoing email
You can also use your favorite email program (such as Outlook® or Eudora®) to access your mail.


All you need is a Yahoo! ID and donate $20 to the Mad Maxine Fund. Use paypal, and make sure to leave in the comment section what name you want for your email. Those of you who donated over $5 will receive a discount (email me for further info).

Whenever someone asks me what my email is and I give the email of fountain of pee, it always brings a few laughs, or I get a really weird puzzled look.

How To Make A Sandwich Like A Man

I'm sick and tired of people making pussy sandwiches.....errr, wait, pussy sandwiches? That actually sounds enticing ..... hmmmm, let me think about that for a moment....












Pussy Sandwiches....good times, good times


I'm sick and tired of people making pansy sandwiches. I want meat, cheese and chips. That's it!

I DON'T FUCKING NEED ALL THAT GREEN HEALTHY BULLSHIT

And we definitely don't want to have tomatoes on our sandwiches as we have learned in the past that tomatoes are for the bedroom, not for sandwiches.

I'm going to show you how to make a sandwich like a man.

A Manwich.

Women, take notes as you will need these sure fire tips on making a proper sandwich like a man. Make him a sandwich he'd be proud of by keeping that smile on his face even when you're not on your knees.

What you need:

Meat - what every true man (hunter) needs. You need meat, lots of it and with a variety of it.

Cheese - You'd have a pussy sandwich if............................good times, good times. You'd have a pansy sandwich if you didn't have a lot of and a variety of cheese.

Chips - Every perfect sandwich needs chips on the sandwich - this is common knowledge and if you didn't know this, your retarded. If you didn't get the joke in that last sentence, you really are retarded.

Mustard - MUSTARD, none of the pussy whipped Dijon Mustard or other crap that is watered down, you need mustard - good hard clean original yellow mutha-fuckin mustard.

Mayonnaise - Just a little bit, unless you are trying to keep your mullet properly greased.

Tabasco - We are making a sandwich like a man and you need Tabasco or something hotter if available like "Dave's Insanity Sauce" on your sandwich. If you don't put Tabasco on your sandwich, you might as well cut a whole in your jeans around your ass and stop wearing underwear. Eat pussy, don't be a pussy - put Tabasco on your sandwich.

Wheat Bread - Wheat reminds me of my brown skin.

If you don't have these ingredients, then you will need to find a deli where you can make your own sandwich. Luckily for me, there is a place right across the street from where I work that allows you to make your own sandwiches. Perfect - it is at this location that I will be giving instructions on how to make a sandwich like a man.



Deli's are usually broken down very conviently for those of you who are just learning how to make a sandwich like man. As you can see, all the ingredients you need to make your perfect sandwich are located in one section - while all the crap ass healthy bullshit is in another section.




First, slap on the mustard and then a little bit of mayonnaise. A little bit of Tabasco gets put on, not a lot as you don't want to make your Mexican-Skin-Lookin Wheat Bread Soggy.




Then start piling on various types of meat, not just all one kind of course, but mix it up. And keep putting Tabasco sauce on between the different layers of meat. On the other slice of bread, we start layering our various cheeses. Our goal at this point is to get the sandwich to weigh anywhere between 1 to 1 1/2 pounds. Anything over 1 1/2 pounds would just be ridiculous. Mix & match your cheeses & your meats (with splashes of Tabasco sauce) until you have reached your goal.




Weigh it to make sure it falls into the proper man guidelines.




We can't have a sandwich made for a man without a beer. I go to my desk and open my drawer up to find my nice little stash of liquor, beer is on top and the hard stuff is underneath.




The last piece of the perfect sandwich before we chow down - is to place your chips on the sandwich. Placing chips on the sandwich comes last as to keep your chips fresh and crunchy.




With our beer, we have now just completed making the perfect sandwich. A perfect sandwich made by a man, for a man.





This my gentle readers, is how it is done. To see the various layers, here is a picture of the half way mark through the sandwich:




When you are completely finished eating the perfect sandwich made for a man:




and if you look like this:




Then you have properly made a sandwich like a man

Happy Birthday My Little Curly Top

1001 Reasons Why I Won't Date You

I won't date you if...

1) If you are a child molester
2) If you are a psycho stalker
3) if your toes are hanging over open toe shoes
4) Funk ass smells
a - B.O. whether it is a medical condition or if you are just Middle Easterner, sorry - won't date you
b - Funk ass smells - bad sweat smell or just a weird natural smell

5) Weird looking feet and/or toes
6) Weird looking hands and/or fingers
7) If you have fucked up teeth
8) If you have a birthmark that resembles the state of Florida
9) If you are a Floridian
10) Bad table manners
a - how you hold your silverware
b - how you chew your food
c - how you use your napkin
d - If your elbows are on the table
e - If you talk with your mouth full

11) If you are a material girl in a material world
12) If you are to young
13) You say anything if I dress like a homeless person
14) you say anything if I wear a Hawaiian shirt with flip-flips in the middle of winter
15) You say anything if I don't shave for 3 days straight
16) You say anything period
17) If you dance like a stripper but you are dancing off beat
18) Deception - you believe there is a difference between a white lie and a big lie
19) You ask me a question and you already know the answer you want to hear (93% of all woman can't pass this)
20) You make things more complicated than they need to be (the other 7% of woman can't pass this one)
21) Your vagina looks like a grilled cheese sandwich
22) Your nipples are pointy enough to cut glass
23) Your nipples are flat enough to look like a silver dollar
24) You have, or ever had a crush on Tom Cruise
25) You have man hands
26) You like to wear 3 sizes smaller than what you should be wearing
27) You ever do or attempt to throw anything away of mine that is, including but not limited to, disintegrating shoes, shirts, pants, or hats.
28) You keep repeating the word "whatever"
29) You think prequels are wonderful
30) You are against blow jobs
31) You are a fan of condoms
32) You have a problem with pre-mature ejaculation
33) If you get upset if I try and fix your problem
34) You will have sex with someone on the first date (exception being me)
35) You make me late on more than 3 occasions
36) You have a problem with me banging on your boobies like Cuban Congas
37) You have a problem with me saying boobies
38) You are to stupid to sit down on the toilet without checking to see if the seat is up or down first
39) You can't sit more than 7 minutes without opening your mouth
40) You annoy me
41) You feed wild ducks
42) You don't like black balls (Pearl Tea)
43) You knock on the door while I'm taking a dump
44) You report me to the authorities for kicking your cat and/or small dog
45) You get upset with the word cunt in any context but can look the other way of all the other women derogatory words
46) You are a guy
47) You giggle like an annoying 13 year old girl
48) You are selfish and try to rationalize your selfishness like a moron
49) You have one eyebrow
50 - 1001) If you are a typical woman

Floridians Have Dicks For Brains - Lets Nuke 'Em

Florida is an embarrassment to the United States of America - I love my country and I won't be happy until we as a Nation only have 49 states.
 
It is only fitting that they have dicks for brains as the state sticks out like a cock.




 
My plan is simple, I title it - Fuck 'em, Lets Nuke ‘Em - End of story. No more will I have to sit through the agonizing torture of all the stupid fucking idiots that live in that state by watching them in the news.
 
At what point did we as the most powerful nation in the world decide to put all the morons with dicks for brains into one state and allow them to elect a twat for Governor? We don't need Florida, what do they supply our nation besides bizarre new stories? Orange Juice? Illegal Cubans? Nothing except the state provides us with people with dicks for brains.
 
Gather around my gentle readers and allow me to break down why the state is filled with fucking idiots.
 
Age.
 
Plain and simple.
 
Please refer to my graph below:




As you can see from my kick ass graph, the majority of the populace in Florida falls into age groups of either 18-23 or 57-107.  It is a well-known fact that those two age groups are morons and have dicks for brains.
 
Everyone that is not an illegal, between the ages of 18-23 and 57-107 leave the state now, as we will be blowing the shit out of your state. Seriously, all 6 of you need to leave the state immediately.
 
Lets just recap on four issues over the past five years of how Florida has been shoved down our throats and why it is imperative that the sooner that Florida is eliminated the sooner the U.S. can increase its national I.Q. average.
 
Elian Gonzalez
Five years ago today (June 28): Seven months after he was cast adrift in the Florida Straits, Elian Gonzalez was returned to his native Cuba.  Blah Blah Blah, I’m glad we sent the little fucker back - he needs to learn that he is Latin and needs to cross the boarder with style.
 
2000 Elections Debacle
"I'm confused, I meant to vote for Gore." *wwaaaaaa * Boo fucking hoo.  How do you fuckers manage to breath?
 
Terri Shavio – LET HER REST IN PEACE ASSHOLES!!!
 
Shark Attacks
A 14 year old was killed by a shark. Two days later a 16 year old was out fishing and lost his leg when a shark decided to have Floridian Leg dinner.  Here’s a tip – STAY OUT OF THE FUCKING WATER WHILE THERE ARE SHARKS IN THE AREA YOU FUCKING TWATS!

IDIOTS!!! 

ARRRHHHGGGGGHEKJEAHSFKAF KASLDJHFK LASJFKJCWHAERSF IUUCHWEANOSIRDDHQWEUIAOHSDFJKNC

This is why Floridians need to be nuked, the sooner the better.  While we are on the subject of blowing up stupid idiotic twats, lets send Tom "I'm a Giddy-Couch-Jumping-Dick-For-Brain-Twat" Cruise over to Florida before the big 4th of July celebration with a nuke. Saw the moron on Jay Leno last night, is his nose getting bigger? I swear to God it was never that crooked when he was sliding across the room in a dress shirt and his tighty whities wearing sunglasses. Those were good times right there - good times indeed, but now I have to sit through his stupid bullshit theories of scientology and not giving kids any kind of medication. Cruise can say that because he can't have kids - he doesn't realize that those little fuckers need medication.

When will celebrities learn to curve their yammering skull heads? Here's an idea - all you celebrities out there, why don't you set a good example for the future generations by having eating disorders and getting divorced and married over and over again? Leave the medical & political fields to people who pretend to work for the people but really just support a fake democracy. Okay, yeah? Thanks.

A little fact that isn't really talked about was how Adolf Hitler's parents conceived him after a night of drinking, smoking out and partying at Spring Break in Florida. If we had nuked Florida 117 years ago, WWII and the Holocaust would never have taken place.

If you left Fountain of Pee to google  Adolf Hitler was conceived in Florida, then you most likely are a Floridian and just proved that yes indeed, we need to blow you dumb-dicks out of the water.

King Dick and the 'C' Word

Cunt. The word in itself is degrading, offensive, vulgar - so ruthless in its tone that a woman will slap the corn right out of your shit if you call her a cunt.

With women being so intuitive of everything including what a man is thinking (trust me - this is a fact that all women believe even if they deny it), before the word even leaves his mouth the woman is raising her hand to back hand the fuck out of him. And as he says, "cun..." her hand is in motion. Immediately, and I mean IMMEDIATLEY, as he says the second half of the word, ...."t" he has been smacked up along side of the head with his eyeballs rattling around inside his cocoanut.





Sticks and stones may break my bones...but the word cunt will make me want to spend the rest of my life in prison for stabbing you in the ear.

Why? Why is that word so evil?

There is no word for men to call that has the same results. Why? Because men won't stand for it - we realize that they are just words. Women on the other hand take offense. God forbid *deep breath* they take it personally. This is why women have a glass ceiling. Women allow themselves to be oppressed. Men are at the top of the food chain.....not "man"....MEN are at the top of the food chain for this very reason. Where are the women? Where they should be cooking the men's steaks.

I can picture it now - it was at the Men's World On Keeping Women Where They Belong - The Kitchen, or simply, MWOKWWTB-TK. It was the annual MWOKWWTB-TK meeting. Men from all over the world attended.

The year was 1987, and the Leader of the MWOKWWTB-TK took to the podium, his name was Richard, he was affectionately called, King Dick.

"ORDER!!! ORDER!!!!! Settle down men, we have business to conduct!" King Dick shouted out to his faithful followers on keeping women oppressed.

"Men, I am sad to report that all these crazy rappers out there have completely desynthetized all the women around the world and we can no longer call them bitches and hoes when we're pissed off at them. It no longer has any affect on them. I know...I know - when you're pissed off at your woman you want to be as offensive and mean as you possibly can to keep the foot on their neck, but these damn rappers use the derogatory names so much that women have accepted the name calling. So we need a new offensive word to keep women oppressed - the floor is now open to suggestions."

Being a short Asian man, Huang stood up on his chair and shouted, "How about we call them, 'reptile'? Sorta rike 'bitch' only reptile."

King Dick rubbed his beard while he thought and said, "Reptiles huh? Can you spell that and use it in a sentence to see how it flows?"

Huang took a moment and then shouted, "Reptile, R-E-P-T-I-L-E-, reptile. What do you mean, my steak not ready, you - REPTILE!"

King Dick shook his head and said, "No, my little-Asian-who-can't-drive-and-owns-all-the-homes-in-my-neighborhood friend. The word isn't offensive enough and it doesn't flow off my tongue like it should."

King Dick spotted someone in the back. "You there....the tall Mexican wearing the goofy Hawaiian shirt, do you have anything to add?"

The Tall Mexican wearing the goofy Hawaiian shirt stood up and shouted, "How about Twat?"

"Twat? Hmmmm...." King Dick responded, "Can you spell it and use it in a sentence so we all can get a feel for it?"

"Twat, T-W-A-T, twat. What do you mean, my steak isn't ready you TWAT!"

Laughing King Dick said, "No, my big-illegal-who-steals-resources-from-the-land-and-then-complains-about-not-having-any-medical and/or driving-license-Mexican friend. That word makes me laugh. The word is to comical, we want to oppress the women folk not make them laugh, but I like where you're going with the genitalia concept."

After thinking for a moment King Dick said, "What about cunt?"

All the men in the crowd erupted




"ORDER! ORDER!!!" King Dick shouted. "We need to spell it out and use it in a sentence just like they do on the National Spelling Bee Contests to know for sure. So here we go....Cunt, C-U-N-T, cunt. What do you mean, my steak isn't ready you, YOU CUNT!"

*APPLAUSE*

Someone shouted in the crowd, "Way to go Dick!"

King Dick was laughing like the devil, "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA - I can just imagine it now. 'You slept with my best friend you fucking cunt!' IT'S PERFECT!!!!"

Everyone in attendence was cheering, clapping and whistleing.

King Dick was so proud of himself he raised his hands and shouted to the crowd, "Yes! That's it - that is the word we shall use from this day forward oppressing women and keeping them emotionally insecure since they take everything so personally. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I AM KING DICK!"


That is exactly how I figure that the word "cunt" became so hated among women. It is how it had to happen as there is no other explanation.

Hopefully cunt will never be used in mainstream media because there are already to many derogatory options to call a woman that is acceptable in society.

Prequels Are Genius Arts Of Creativity

Over the weekend I saw Batman Begins.  It's all about how Batman.....here's the shocker....Begins.   Yes, I know I was completely surprised watching the movie as you just were reading that last sentence.  All this time I've seen Batman on the TV series, and the other Batmans, I would have never have guessed he was a Ninja in the group called, League of Shadows.  If I had only been smarter, I might have figured it out with all the "POW"s and "BANG"s that the TV Show had that Bruce Wayne was really a super power ninja.  I guess I'm not smart enough to figure that out sorta like not being smart enough to figure out that Terri Schiavo was brain damaged before the autopsy report came out proving she was, but apparently I'm not.
 
So as I mentioned, the story was all about the beginning of Batman.  The movie was okay - I'm not going to sit here and critique it. Cause honestly it isn't worth my time and it definitely wasn't worth the $10 I spent on it. Why? At the very end, Katie Holmes, who was playing Bruce Wayne's love interest in the movie, turned out to be a typical woman. She should be the symbol of why women shouldn't be allowed to vote. Batman saved her life 3 times through out the movie and when she finally finds out that Bruce Wayne is Batman, what does she do? You guessed it, being a woman she showed her appreciation by kicking him in the gut. And I quote, "The man I love didn't come back." HE SAVED YOUR LIFE 3 FUCKING TIMES .... what the fuck do you mean 'the man I loved never came back.' Typical - she deserves Tom Cruise the twat.

So obviously in the end she doesn't end up with Batman/Bruce Wayne, and if you haven't seen the movie yet and you read that last paragraph.....uhhh, ooops.
 
Anyways, back to The Prequel. 
 
Hollywood has run out of new and exciting ways to stereotype races by teaming two different races up as co-stars so they have turned to the almighty Prequel. 
 
Cali Hollywood - "Dave Chappelle went on a 'Spiritual retreat' in South Africa?  Those crazy negroes - he was supposed to co-star in a new Police Comedy with Nick Lachey.  God forbid if we have a book-smart-by-the-rules-black character and a street-smart-whatever-it-takes-white character - I can't have that - what are we going to do?" 
 
Cali Hollywood's Assistant - "How about a prequel?"
 
Cali Hollywood - "You mean, like a sequel that just explores the origins of previously established characters in a movie that was already released?"
 
Cali Hollywood's Assistant while snapping some bubble gum - "Yeah."
 
Cali Hollywood - "Jehovah Almighty!!!!  What a fantastic idea! WILL THE CREATIVITY EVER END IN HOLLYWOOD?!!!!!!????!!!!!!....MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!" 



 

 

And of course, the first ever Prequel Trilogy - Star Wars.

Why stop there? Lets continue the exciting prequel trend with more movies. I have taken the liberty to help Hollywood out and list some of the Prequels that I desperately want to see.  Please forward this to Cali Hollywood.  (Do not email me asking me who Cali Hollywood is – he/she is a fictional character I made up to represent the twats of Hollywood California - if you thought about emailing to ask me who Cali Hollywood is, please leave my website now and never come back).
 
Titanic (1997)
Titanic: The Beginning
Why was Jack playing cards in the beginning of the movie where he won a ticket on the Titanic that ultimately would cost him his life when the boat sank - did he have a gambling problem? Why and how did Jack become poor? How did Rose become so codependent on her mother that she feels that she has to marry a rich man? Where did all this take place??? These are the burning questions that I must know that only a prequel can answer.

Casablanca (1942)
Casablanca: The Beginning
How could you not have a prequel of Casablanca. "We'll always have Paris, here's looking at you kid." What happened in Paris? "As Time Goes By" is Rick & Lisa's song....how did that come to be? I WANT TO SEE HOW RICK AND LISA FELL IN LOVE IN PARIS. I want to hear Rick say, "Play it again Sam" for the first time. I need and must see. Everyone must know the story before the story. This one is a no brainer.

The Goonies (1985)
The Goonies: The Beginning
Everyone loves the Goonies, and who didn't want to be a Goonie growing up? Exactly, if you didn't want to be a Goonie you were a loser. But how did the Goonies form? What was the motive for the gang and how did the name "Goonie" come to be? Why do they have an Asian Token in the gang but not a Black Token? A prequel is definitely needed to explain these shortcomings in the original film and to further develop the characters.

Psycho (1960)
Psycho: The Beginning
I am absolutely shocked why this one hasn't made it into the prequel realms yet. We could always use another horror flick with a stupid white chick getting naked and lathering herself down in the shower with a psycho killer watching her. I would really like to know what type of relationship Norman Bates had with his mother before she actually died and he dug her body up and had a split personality. I think that would be fascinating to watch as a prequel.

Femme Fatale (2002)
Femme Fatale: The Beginning
Could care less about the story line but always could use another lesbian scene with Rebecca Romjin-Stamos (does she still hyphenate her name?) and we could do the lesbian scene with a prequel.



Pulp Fiction (1994)
Pulp Fiction: The Beginning
Why are two hit men, one being white, and the other being black such good friends? How did they meet? Did they go to Assassination College together? And what really happened to Vince while he was in France? I would love to see him in a French McDonald's trying to order a Quarter Pounder. I'd like a prequel and a Royale With Cheese Supersized please.

The Wizard of Oz (1939)
Why is Dorothy living with Auntie M? What happened to her parents and why is she so close to the ranch hands? Auntie M is a Christian Woman, and yet, when Toto is taken from Dorothy, Auntie M bites her tongue stating, "If I wasn't a Christian Woman...." I want to know why she would bite her tongue as every other Christian Woman I've known is more than willing to stab you in the back with their tongue. Again - a prequel is needed for these timeless unanswered questions.

Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace (1999)
How can you have a prequel to a prequel? Uhhh, Yeah Hi! How could you NOT? How did Count Dooku become the apprentice to Darth Sidious? Why did the once proud Jedi turn to the darkside? Why does one Sith Lord (Darth Maul) look like a devil type of creature while Darth Sidious (The Emperor) look like Dick Cheney? That question still baffles me because it was never answered. We need a prequel to the prequel to have these questions answered.
 
In about 3 years, I'll be posting a prequel to this post.

I've Never Seen So Much Money In My Spick Life Before

I made a total of $194.35. Why is that an odd number? Well, one person gave $3, I'm assuming that they gave up their lunch for the day to help someone else get some teeth which was nice of them. Another person gave $6.35 (three dollars and thirty-five cents in pocket change - jerk). But it was greatly appreciated.

I'm still sending out personal emails to everyone who used paypal. Those of you who have received my email - thank you again, those of you who have not received an email - thank you and you'll be receiving one shortly. Those of you who handed me money personally - thank you. Thank you to EVERYONE!!! I know I got some money out of pity, "Look at the poor tall Mexican staying up for 40 hours to try and get a derby girl some new teeth, poor beaner - I'll donate."

I know I have pissed off a number of guys that where hoping to get a blow job from Mad Maxine (derby girl name) so they could tell all their friends that they got a Gum Job from a Derby Girl, but alas, I have to do what is best for me - which is to look at pretty girls with teeth.

I was hoping to get at least $100 with the blogathon because honestly, I didn’t think anyone would donate. So I accomplished that goal. I ROCK! If everyone who reads my blog donated at least a buck I could have made my ultimate goal, but as it stands now - I have $805.65 to go. I already have a couple of ideas cooking, so hopefully they work and turn out a pretty penny like a toothless hooker.

I'm going to leave the donate button up to try and continue to raise money and I'll keep a weekly total or something so everyone can see how it is coming along, and hopefully if you haven't donated, I will have guilt you into giving something.

Donate Before God Punishes You

Taken from my "Everyone But Me Should Go To Hell" post in October of last year.

It's like Christopher Reeve - he's a fucking prick too. He opened up a paralysis foundation after he had his accident. What did he do for quadriplegics before that?

Exactly....he's a fucking prick.

He had a perfect opportunity too when he was exposed to quadriplegics when he did the film "Above Suspicion" in 1995. If you don't know the movie, here is the description:

When a dedicated and decorated cop (Christopher Reeve) falls prey to a drug dealer's bullet and is paralyzed for life, his brother (Joe Mantegna) and wife (Kim Cattrall) begin fooling around. A $1 million insurance policy further fuels Reeve's suspicions and rage, which ultimately explode in a vengeful -- and mysterious -- crime where everyone is a suspect.

He was exposed to paralysis but still did nothing.

God knew this and told that horse to stop instead of jumping throwing Reeve over the horses' head snapping his neck. He was teaching that little prick a lesson.

I know without a shadow of a doubt that if Christopher Reeve had done something for quadriplegics he wouldn't be sounding like Darth Vadar right now with a one way ticket to hell.


A few days later Christopher Reeve died and went straight to hell. What can we take from this lesson?

DO SOMETHING WHEN GIVEN THE OPPORTUNITY to help someone so God won't fuck you in the ass!

Here's the info again to donate, and remember, if you don't donate, history tells us that God will give you the same fate. In other words, God will knock your teeth out.

Why You Should Help

Use Paypal or a Credit Card

Friday I will post the total amount of money that has been raised so far.

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In my last post, I was making fun of people who blog just to get comments - these people post then proceed leaving comments on other sites to get people to visit their site. Those of you who sent emails to me thinking I was talking about myself are obviously new readers as I would never talk about myself like that. I love myself to much.

You should know that I'm not asking you to agree with me on my blog, I'm telling you how it is and thats that. I'm correct and if you disagree, you're wrong.

When I blog about my life, know that My Life Is Better Than Yours because Nobody Rocks Like Me.

If you ever get confused which one is my blog, just remember that it's the one that says Bad Motherfucker. Don't believe me? Click my "Slow Children At Play" picture in the upper left hand corner.

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The chicken and the pig story. Well, let me explain my story quickly. The pigs were not the ones who made the ultimate sacrifice. How could they be fully committing themselves and taking the biggest risk when it was a last resort anyways? They waited until the very end - then, and only then when there was nothing left to lose did they decide to commit.

If you read the story, you'll notice that the farmer talked about losing "friends" in the past. Well, those "friends" were milking cows. They had previously fully committed themselves when they sent themselves to the slaughterhouse when they had the most to lose - they took the biggest risks. The reason why the farm has survived to the point that it has was because the cows were the ones that had already fully committed themselves.

Cows represent those that understand the secret to happiness which is to "Be Happy". They act, instead of react. They represent those that are willing to fully commit themselves when there is something of significant to lose. They commit themselves for unselfish reasons and do not expect recognition.

The chickens represent those that will go the extra mile but expect recognition. They find happiness in others approval which is why the chickens layed the eggs in clear sight and the leader stayed around waiting for the praises and the thank yous from the farmer.

The pigs represent those that are waiting for something better to happen - "when this happens I'll be happy" is there motto because they are unwilling to risk themselves when there is something to lose. They wait and wait until the very end until they realize that that there is nothing left to lose - then out of fear they go running to commit themselves worried that happiness has passed them by. By then however, it is to late. On their tombstone it will be engraved with, "Here Lies The Pig, Who Was Going To Be Happy Tomorrow."

I didn't mention "cows" in the original story because it was meant for you to think, as difficult as it is for some of you, it is a good thing.

Anyways - Be Happy - and let me ask again, are you a chicken? Or are you willing to fully commit?

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Autopsy on Terri Schiavo proves that she had severe brain damage. I can't even begin to tell you how happy I am that they did an autopsy to prove she had brain damage.

Because being professionally uneducated in how to recognize "brain damage" individuals, I would have never been able to even guess on whether she was actually brain damaged or not.

I was actually very confused and concerned when people said she was brain damaged. I immedialty asked, "how do you know? There has been no autopsy to prove it."

Have you ever taken the professional class of Recognizing Brain Damaged Individuals 101? What? No? Then who are you to say whether or not she was brain damaged? You don't know okay, you just don't know.

You can't just look at someone and think they are brain damaged, you need to have a professional autopsy by a license medical examiner to prove that someone is brain damaged. I think anyone who said she was brain damaged without the medical autopsy to prove it are the brain damaged ones.