Feeding Wild Ducklings Will Get Them Killed

Spring is upon us my gentle readers and I'm not happy. The same babblin hippie fanatic animal loving freaks that fed the squirrels from their hand that I so happily wrote about last year are at it again. This time, they are taking extra time to crumple up goldfish and pretzels to feed the ducklings that hatched not to long ago.

These fucking ducklings are constantly hanging outside the office doors waiting for a free handout like the world owes them something. I had a pool growing up, and a male and a female duck decided to make the family pool their own sexual playground.

I was the oldest boy living in the house at the time, so I was the one who had to clean the pool on a regular basis - the cleanup consisted of anything from poop, to feathers, to various liquids that I'm sure were left in the pool after the male duck rode the female like a Harley Davidson Motorcycle.

As you can realize, I have a long history with ducks.

You feed the wild ducks, and they will come back - they will hang around and annoy you, they will do everything in their little duck life to ruin your life - they are evil. This my gentle readers, is due to the fact that assholes like my co-workers feed the fucking ducks.


I have taken the liberty to write out the top techniques in killing ducklings and I strongly suggest printing this out and posting it wherever you see ducklings.

The Kung Pao Ninja Stomp - This is a very simple but effective method. All you need to do is walk up to the ducklings and bring your foot up about 3 feet off the ground and forcefully, as in Kung Pao spicy forcefully, bring your foot down in a stomping motion. The secrete behind this manuever is to lock your ankle as you bring your foot down to give the duck an instant death all bad ass Ninja style.

Bricks & Sunken Treasure - For those of you who are not Ninja awesome enough to perform the Kung Pao Ninja Stomp, the Bricks & Sunken Treasure may be for you.

Needed: 1) Brick 2) Shoe string 3) duckling

Tie the duckling to the brick with the shoe string, make sure to tie a double knot as the ducklings are surprisingly strong for being so little. After you make sure that the duckling will not be able to squeeze out of the shoe string double knot, toss said duckling tied to the brick into the middle of the pond. Try skipping the brick off of the water, this will bring a sense of entertainment while doing your good deed. Three skips is my record.

The Shovel Thump - If you cannot master the Kung Pao Ninja Stomp, you may need to take extreme measures. A generic garden shovel will do the trick. You do not need a large shovel as I find that the the larger the head on the shovel, the harder it is to properly Thump the tiny ducklings. Use a downward motion Thumping the duckling on the head. If you cannot stomach the squirming that will happen after the duckling is thumped, either Thump him quickly again or use the point of the shovel.

The Insurgent Decapitation Special - an Al Qaeda classic but you will need to be quick on your feet. You will need to catch the duckling and take it hostage. I'm a dancer, so this feat is simple for me whereas someone like yourself might find it difficult. Nonetheless, here are the instructions on how to perform the Insurgent Decapitation Special. After catching the duckling, place a hood over it - take a pair of scissors and remove the ducklings head in a "cutting" motion. Make sure to recycle the hood to do your part in saving the environment.

The Goldfish Surprise - If you prefer a slow death method then this is the technique for you. Take the goldfish that they are use to eating, and wrap some chewed up gum around the goldfish. The duckling will eagerly eat up the goldfish thinking that they are getting another free hand out when in a few hours, SURPRISE the gum will explode in their stomachs thus terminating their young life.

The Duckling Salute - Whatever country you are in, your government will be proud to know that you are utilizing a duckling to salute to the love of your country. You will need an M80 that contains two grams of flash powder (illegal in the US) to perform your salute. Simply tie the firecracker to the duckling and watch the beautiful explosion of lights and feathers while you sing your country's national anthem.

The Killer Whale - also known as "Duckball". This is when you use a duckling as your own personal soccer ball. By painting black and white circles on the duckling it will make the duckling seem more realistic in regards to an actual soccer ball.

Again, I suggest posting these sure fire methods up on your work bulletin and/or in your home to ensure proper use when eliminating ducklings from the world.